Barbara's Beautiful, Stupid Kidneys

When my baby was in the NICU, her attending neonatologist ordered a consultation with a pediatric nephrologist. This doctor, though my experience with him was limited, was by far one of my favorite people at the hospital with whom I interacted. First off, he was kind. He was also interested in my child and interested in getting to know her parents as much as he could. He had a good sense of humor and he treated my child like a normal human being- I can't tell you how much that meant to me and hod good that felt after watching the way almost everyone else treated her. He spoke to us like we were real people- he didn't talk down to us or dumb things down- he seemed to be experienced at feeling around in order to know who he was dealing with. He told me that Barbara's kidneys were "stupid". I had to laugh at this because it made sense. He wasn't insulting us or her; rather he had sense enough to know who we were and what he could and couldn't say. He brought some humor into a bad situation and I was as grateful for it then as I am now. I don't know why I thought of this today. The truth is that I have been hurting a lot lately and I don't know why. I seem to miss her more and more as the days go by when I thought I'd miss her less and less. I guess this is because I am doing research now on thyroid problems and her deplorable condition and birth and after is starting to make sense. People have accused me of killing my child and someone who is very close to me blamed my child's illness on my life style. In the NICU, there was a real "blame the mother" attitude which put me at odds with the doctors from the very beginning even though the NICU docs had to admit that it could not have been my fault. The more I learn, the more I know that I am not to blame- I did not kill my child and it has nothing to do with my life style. I was not negligent- I went to a doctor- someone I trusted- for help and he let me down. Even now, he refuses to admit he was wrong and also refuses to prevent the same thing from happening again. My mother tells me to sue him. What good would it do? It won't bring Barbara back and I don't think that he went out of his way to be negligent. The thing that bothers me about him now is that he refuses to listen and learn in order to prevent the same mistake from happening again. Imagine how it felt- knowing that people were thinking that I killed my child? Losing a child is the worst thing that could happen to a person but then to spread things and things... Getting back to the stupid kidneys... Her kidneys were not stupid; the people entrusted with her care were. My baby was beautiful and her organs were perfect- formed by God for some purpose although I still don't know what. Sometimes I don't think I can get through this even now because the pain is just too great. When I am alone, I cry. I feel just as bad as I did months ago. I miss her just as much and her absence is always felt. Sometimes I wonder how I can live anymore. How I can face tomorrow and the day after that, etc... People are very private about how they feel at times like this. Being private doesn't help anyone. It doesn't let other people know that are really OK for what they feel. Everyone thinks that I should just get over this but I will never get over it and if other people can't deal with this, it is not my problem. Mothers who supposedly don't love their kids anymore after they've reached adulthood and thus are on their own are bad parents, right... so why should I stop loving my child just because she is gone from this earthly life? I think I will ask to go to the cemetery today. I just need to be with her. My heart is breaking.

What a Mother in Mourning May Not Tell You

At the burial of my baby, I was calm and collected. Slow and steady tears streamed down my face but I was composed. I regret this. I thought "what would people say if I cried hysterically?" I wanted to be a big woman- a strong mother. I wanted to appear strong for my kids and I did not want to embarrass myself in front of my family. Inside, I was falling apart; I was feeling so many things that it was difficult to feel anything at all. Everyone was quiet and stoic- no one really cried hard. Since Barbara died, I have not reached out to anyone. I thought that they would be kind enough to reach out to me. My best friend is intelligent and selfless enough to know that I am like this and so she has always been there for me when no one else was. I never had to call her for help; she just assumed I needed it. I think this is because she lost a baby a few years ago and, I really think that unless someone has lost a baby, they have no idea what it feels like and how life is ever changed from that moment on. I am grateful for her. I am not sure if I have mentioned this before but only one person in my family has bothered to call since Barbara died and one person stopped by the day after she died. I have a huge family- and yet no one has bothered to call. Strangers have been kinder. My mother tells me that they didn't know what to say. My sister- with whom things are now patched- told me that she thought I would reach out to her if I needed her. Maybe this is what everyone thinks. Losing a child isn't like having a broken leg and needing help cooking, cleaning, etc. I would have an easier time asking for help for something like a broken leg... Losing a child flings someone into a sort of confusion, pain, anger and despair that is so private, personal and inexplicable. People can't expect someone in this situation to ask for help; it is just too much to ask. To expect someone to ask for help is to expect someone to be rational at a time when being rational is not possible. Someone who has lost a child is not rational; they are all heart. What a mother who has lost a baby may not tell you is how terrible she feels. This is because we are expected to get over it and take care of things. The thing is, only people who haven't lost babies expect this of us. Those who have lost babies know that you can never get over it. So, it is highly unlikely that a mom in mourning will tell you how horrific her life has become- how she can't sleep or eat and all she can do sometimes- even months later- is cry. If she doesn't tell you that it is this bad, don't think that it isn't. Expect that it is and go from there. A mom in mourning may not ask for help- either because she is too upset or embarrassed to do so. She may also not want to bother anyone with her problems. Please reach out to a mom who has lost a child- don't wait for her to reach out to you. Call her- tell her that you are there for her and that she can tell you anything and you won't judge. Offer to get her out of the house- maybe take her out for lunch or to get her hair done or for a walk in the park. Don't just assume that she doesn't need you if she doesn't ask for your help. Don't assume that things are fine if she doesn't say otherwise. As mothers, we must support each other. As Catholics, we are commanded by Our Lord Jesus Christ to love each other. This means that we should care for each other and offer help and support to each other. This isn't something to be luke- warm about; this is a commandment! Jesus tells us what we do to the lest of His brethren, we do to Him. If we love Him as we should, then we must love others and treat others as if they were Jesus. Of course, we are also commanded to treat others as we would like to be treated ourselves. Think about what you would want if your child died- how would you like others to treat you? I have been ill and so I did not go to church yesterday. I went to the cemetery, though. I found that I could not pray the rosary but instead just had to talk to God using my own words. I also have become disgusted with the church, lately. One thing that disgusts me is the lack of Catholic community. As a Catholic, I believe that I should have had a faith community on which I could rely but didn't. No one bothered to care and, in fact, some women were just nasty. This hurt. It is one thing that every- day people let you down but a Catholic should be able to expect more from fellow Catholics. Be there for your fellow Catholics! Get to at least recognize people within your parish so that, when something looks out of place, you will notice and can offer assistance. Don't just go to Mass one day a week and then go home and wash your hands of your faith until the next Sunday (or Saturday)- be a live part of the Body of Christ. Take an interest in everyone who attends the Mass of your choice- don't just stick with your own little clique- this is not what we are commanded to do! If you see a mom who was pregnant one day and not the next- with no baby in arms- go to her! Don't avoid her or expect that someone else will comfort her. Go to her! Even if you are busy with your own life- go to her! The time you spend with her will be nothing compared to the time you have to spend on other things throughout the rest your life and it is nothing compared to time spent in Eternity after death! You may not just provide comfort but also provide someone experiencing doubt a reason to believe! You will have affirmed that we- as Catholics- stick together and that it means something to be a Catholic with other Catholics. Think about it: if anyone- just one person- had shown me the least but of kindness in my parish I would not be disgusted with the Church like I am now.

Sick and Bad News

So, now I am sick with some cold/ cough thing. It is no fun! It has wiped me out... Just a few minutes ago, I realized that we hadn't been to the cemetery in two weeks and remembered that I had planned on going today. I haven't been to see Barbara in so long! My husband is gone, though, and our phone isn't working so I can't call him to come back so that we can leave. I am hoping to drop off the kids because it is tough to go there with them; I never cry in front of them and I just really need to cry! The past week or so has been very tough. I feel like a much colder, more bitter and more angry person. A friend of mine from my past has now reentered my life and, although I am pleased, I am reminded of how I used to be and what dreams I had for myself and goals I had for my life. My life has taken a much different path than I ever thought imaginable and I am not the same person I used to be. I miss that person- so full of life and hope and dreams- that person was going somewhere and was full of potential. That person had something to offer while the person I am now does not. I feel very cold and dead in many ways. It dawned on me yesterday that I hold everyone at a distance- especially my kids because I know what it feels like to lose one and I never want to feel that way again. I know that I could lose anyone- my husband, my kids- anyone- at any time. The fact that I may lose my oldest child in some way to a custody arrangement only makes things worse. I don't think that things will ever get any better because, for years, they have only gotten worse. I have also put distance between myself and God. I am angry with Him and I feel very betrayed by Him. I feel abandoned, forgotten, unloved and hated. A friend of mine told me not to let the evil one lead me down a bad path but I think that if God cared, He would throw me a bone like a good master does for his dog every once in while. He doesn't, though, and things just get worse. I feel as if He has already given up on me, anyhow, and if this is the case then I am doomed, anyway. He has taken an enormous amount from me and has not listened to my pleading or the pleading of the saints I have chosen to ask for help. He has taken so much and has nor helped me much along the way. I understand that we are not supposed to look for happiness in this life but only in the next but when I am just not sure if there even is a next life and being unhappy in the life I know exists is a terrible thing. After the dream I had about Barbara, I have felt very messed up inside. I am dealing with this and the prospect of losing my oldest to some sort of custody arrangement with her idiot father... In addition, I am dealing with the prospect of losing any children I might have had through infertility. I was lucky enough to get in with the OB last week and she is concerned about adhesions from the postpartum D&C- my worst fear but something I have been sure was an issue all along. She advised me to get an HSG next month. I am worried that things are bad and can't be fixed. This is just how life is so I am expecting it. How I'll deal with it is beyond me. How I have dealt with anything is beyond me- I just do. I just get by... I am very tired in a way that is totally separate from any physical feeling of tired. In German one can say "Ich bin fertig" or- literally translated- I am finished. The meaning goes beyond "finished", though... it is like "absolutely done"... "exhausted"... Well, Ich bin fertig. I wonder what purpose I still am here to serve.

Life goes on... and on

Now I am sick. I have been caring for sick children for the past few days and now I am sick myself! I think that, if I was not so upset, I might not have gotten so sick... The truth it that I have been very upset. We mothers mourn, don't we? Sometimes I think that it is all we can do. It is our lot in life. I have been trying to keep in contact with God and have been thinking a lot about a good many things. The last few days have been terrible; "bad days", I would call them. Last night I thought about the fact that my child died. It seems like it happened to another woman and another child; I felt so distanced and removed from it all. It still seems impossible, sometimes, that I had a child that died. So many people have babies and they don't die. It sometimes just seems impossible that it should have happened to me. Then I had a dream that I was holding her body- as I had after she died- and she was coming to life. When she was very sick and everyone said that there was no hope, I saw her- little by little- coming to life. It was like that. I was holding her. We were in a tomb like Jesus must have been. She was beautiful and plump- like she was in real life and her little face was so sweet. I could feel her in my arms- she was warm and soft and it felt so right and so good to hold her. She was coming to life. She was becoming animated. I woke from this dream feeling confused. I remembered how I held her after she was dead and didn't want to let her go. It was really the first time that I could hold her since she was born and she was dead. I remember thinking that it was all I had left with her. When it was time to hand her over to the undertaker I didn't want to; I wanted her back. I started to fall over from the pain I felt in handing her over. It was more painful than a thousand labors. I know he put her in a black bag and onto the back seat where she was alone. I hate living when I have to remember these things. I hate living when I have dreams that she is alive. It is a sin to hate life; to curse the gift that God gave me. But it seems like a curse in and of itself to be alive at times. I am not sure about God, anymore, though. I don't know what to think. So much- too much is going on. My baby died, I can't have another and now my daughter's biological father wants to take her away from me. Will I lose all my children? Will I lose everything I love? Will there be nothing more to hope for- to hang on to but these awful memories? I have been praying for months. God hasn't heard or doesn't care. If there is really a God, He must hate me. Or maybe He loves me so much to allow for this sort of suffering so that when I die I can get to Him quicker... We aren't promised earthly happiness but does this mean that we are meant to be miserable? There are plenty of people who aren't miserable on earth and some of them will probably end up in heaven. I am supposed to be His daughter and He is supposed to be my Father but it seems like He has forgotten me. Sometimes it seems like to is just too much to live with the memories I have. Sometimes it hurts to live with the blame and I can't stop blaming myself. I feel alone as a person and as a Catholic. Is this what Jesus meant for us? I feel forsaken like He did as He was dying on the cross. Will there be an end to my mourning? Will things ever get better? I miss my baby. I want to hold her so badly. I want to tell her how much I love her and how profoundly her existence and death has changed everything. I want to be her mother like I never could be. I want her back. See? This is the gift that keeps giving; it never goes away. It is always there. Today I am praying for those who feel abandoned. I hope that we all come to feel the warmth of God's love and a renewal of faith despite whatever crisis we are dealing with.

Second- Class Female

As you know, I didn't go to church yesterday. As you also may know, my infertility consultation was cancelled last Friday. I didn't go to Mass primarily because I was sick of seeing all the pregnant women and hearing them brag. I was sick of feeling like I was less of a Catholic because I can't get pregnant. I was also sick of some other things but that is for my other blog... As Catholics, we are expected to welcome children into the marriage relationship. Although the modern Church does acknowledge the need for natural family planning in circumstances of poverty or sincere inability to afford and/or care for children (which, in my opinion, is abused, misunderstood and misused), those who attend the TLM tend to adhere to the ways of the old Church and many people who attend the TLM have large families and are always pregnant. Because we attend the TLM and our beliefs are more in- line with the old way of doing things, I truly feel terrible that I, too, can't always be pregnant and that my family- compared to others who attend the TLM- is small. Even the modern church has very little to say about infertility. The CCC outlines what we can and can't do as far as fertility treatments and it is treated like a cross- just like every hardship within the Church. Priests, although kind and caring, have no clue what to say to a woman who is experiencing infertility. My pastor told me that I should be grateful for the children I have and this only caused me to feel frustration and anger; it didn't deal with the real issue and only made me feel worse. It feels like I am the only Catholic women who is experiencing infertility... It also seems like it is just something that isn't talked about much and so I feel like I can't talk about it. It is like a dirty secret which leads me to think that there is something wrong with me because I am infertile. Usually things are kept quiet because they are bad therefore it seems like infertility is bad. It isn't enough that there are so many pregnant women who attend the TLM and so many large families but there are also a few women who are downright nasty about things. This only adds insult to injury. I truly feel like a second- class female within the TLM community. This does not do me- or my relationship with God- any good. So, I called to make an appointment at the OB/GYN today and was told that I would have to wait a month and a half to see the doctor. While this is better than waiting three months, like I did for the last appointment, it still makes me feel angry. I know that if I was pregnant, they'd find time for me but since I can't get pregnant, my needs aren't as important. So, I am a second- class female within the medical community as well. It seems that I am just not as good as other women everywhere I go! The situation I am in speaks to a real lack of empathy and understanding on the part of the OB/GYN office. Do they know what it is like to feel like crap every month because I didn't get pregnant? Do they know what it is like those two weeks between ovulation and menstruation? The waiting? The charting every single day- the worrying. Then, to find out that it didn't "work" again and just want to die- to hide from the world in bed crying. Baffled- wondering "why?" and not being able top get an answer because you can't get a stupid appointment. Do they know what it is like to get your period and then get online to research all that could be wrong... to feel fear and frustration because all you can do is take stabs in the dark because you can't find any help? To feel broken, depressed, less of a woman... They obviously have no idea what it feels like to go through this and, if there was another OB/GYN in the area that dealt with infertility issues, I'd go there... It also makes me wonder whether or not the docs in this practice are able to view women as individuals or just nameless, faceless things from which babies are (or can't be) extracted. Are women just things to them- a means to an end- a way to make a living or are we real human beings with hopes, dreams and fears? Are we mere statistics and low, medium or high- risk births? Scared or unscarred (as of yet)? Oh, there are so many things wrong with the world! I feel like a second- class female no matter where I am. I would expect, however, to feel equal within my own faith community because, after all, we are all supposed to be equal in the eyes of the Lord. Not so, apparently, in the TLM community of my parish.

Abstained from Mass...

So, I didn't go to church yesterday. Saturday night, I was still unsure if we should go; I know that I always tend to feel terrible when we don't go and so I was fairly certain that we would end up going. It turned out, though, that the kids got sick with a terrible cold and we could not find a sitter; therefore we just couldn't go. Looking back, there were times when I wanted to go so badly that I'd tell my husband to stay in the car with the sick kids while I went to Mass... It is so funny how my feelings have changed. Some people may think that it is the evil one putting thoughts into my head that cause me to feel like not going to Mass... I sometimes think that, too. But now I am not so sure. I believe in evil, for sure. I have seen it, participated in it and watched in silence as others fell prey to it. Most of the time, I can recognize it but not always. The thing about evil is that it preys upon our need to feel good. People base a lot of their decisions on feelings...what "feels" good. I don't mean feeling in the physical sense- I don't mean self- gratification because this almost always leads us to do evil and thus almost always has evil roots. What I mean is the warm and fuzzy feeling people can get that seems to come from deep within the heart; the feeling like one is really getting in good with God... like one is "almost there". There is no way of knowing whether or not this feeling should be trusted until the fruits of it are apparent. Good trees bear good fruit... Also, what is most comforting and comfortable may not be the best things for us spiritually. Sometimes when we get too comfortable with something, we take it for granted and can't see the bigger picture. Sometimes we feel so comfortable that we fall into a routine and forget about why we are doing it all to begin with. The point should be- always- to glorify God. Sometimes a little discomfort is needed to jolt us back into reality so that we can remember this. One thing that I love about the TLM is that it is steeped in tradition and is a vital part of our heritage as Catholics. The TLM is reverent and respectful of the Eucharist and this is the whole point of the Mass. It is more than a social event, or a show during which we watch the priest do his thing... It is all about the true sacrifice of the Mass and the Eucharistic feast. It is all about the awe and wonder we should have when we think about God and approach His Real Presence at the Eucharistic table. I can't help but want to drop down in my knees and feel true awe and fear when I participate in the TLM. Genuflecting has become a compulsory honor when it used to feel so contrived. At the same time, though, I feel as if I have lost something because my focus has been on the Mass itself rather than on my relationship with Christ. I have become too comfortable and have not been really maintaining my relationship with God. Yesterday I felt closer to God than I have felt in a long time. Saturday night, I was angry with God. I kept asking "why?" I really felt like there was no point believing anymore. I am not saying that I am still not angry with God- I am. I am not saying that I fully understand Him now because I don't. I just feel a sense of calm and peace, now, when I think about God. I feel as though I have really been communicating with Him constantly by just saying (in my head) what I feel and think. Usually, after Mass, I feel like something is lacking- like there is something I wanted to find but didn't. I haven't found it yet but I have to say that I do feel better. On a superficial note, it probably helped not to have seen tall he pregnant women and hear some of them bragging after Mass... ! Also, because we didn't go to Cleveland, we didn't go to the cemetery. Usually, this makes me pretty upset! I don't know... As Catholics we are obligated to go to Mass and so I know that I have sinned in not going. It is probably an even bigger sin because I don't regret it and would do it again. I used to think that God gives us lots of crosses, some big and some small. I used to think that, if going to Mass made me miserable then it was just a cross to bear. Still, despite my infertility situation, I did not cry at all yesterday. I didn't feel at all like crap- which is how I tend to feel after Mass. So, now I have more questions... If St. Francis were alive, I'd love to speak with him...!

Questions

I don't know what God does and does not put into action. There is a lot to be said for free will and our ability to choose right from wrong and then suffer the consequences. Sometimes, when people are going through a rough time they will wonder what they have done to be punished by God. In some cases, it is obvious that there are consequences to our actions and that these consequences are just that rather than any sort of punishment. Sometimes we can even see a direct link between our actions (A) and the consequences (C) of our actions while sometimes we may have to search a bit harder to see how A brings forth C. For 10 months, now, I have been trying to figure our what I did to bring forth the death of my child. I have also been trying to figure out what I could have done differently in order to save her life. Then I see all the baby graves at the cemetery and I wonder what all these parents did wrong. Surely, they can't all have done something wrong and, even if they had, did their negative actions justify the punishment of losing a child? So, I begin to think that maybe it isn't about punishment. So why, then? Everyone who is religious tells me that there is a reason only we don't know it. What reason? My baby died after suffering terribly for four weeks. Why did I have to sit there and watch her suffer for four weeks only to lose her? It seems so pointless. She is dead- gone- it is like she never existed and no one knows about her. No one knows her name and that she ever existed. Her brief life seems like it was for nothing. Then, after she died, I was all alone. No one came to see me or call me. God did not bother to send anyone my way and I didn't lose faith. Now, there is the infertility issue. My life is full of ironies... So I made my appointment with the OB three months ago; I got the soonest available appointment and yesterday- 45 min. before the appointment, a secretary called to cancel because the OB was called to a delivery. OK. Let me just run this by you: the OB had to cancel an infertility consultation because she had to go to a delivery. Ironic? So, it will probably take three months to get another one. Meanwhile, I keep getting older and more bitter and my faith and hope are running out. I don't want to go to Mass anymore because of all the pregnant woman who will be showing off their bellies and loudly bragging. Some of them rarely go to church but when they do, they are the loudest and the ones who like to show off how holy they are. Yes, maybe being pregnant makes them more Catholic than me but maybe I just don't want to be Catholic anymore if this is how Catholics behave. I have to wonder if any of them have ever heard of modesty or humility... I never bragged when I was pregnant or showed off my belly. I knew very well that I was just a vehicle and, although it was an honor, it was not meant to be a source of pride for me. I knew that God was the true creator of all my children and I was just cooperating; the pride was not mine to have. I never would have made myself an object of attention merely because I was pregnant... I also knew that not every woman who was not pregnant wanted to be in that state and would never have wanted to make anyone else feel bad. The thing is that, if God gives us our children, then He must also choose not to give us our children. So, this is something He is not doing for me. He is choosing not to give me a child just like he chose to take Barbara from my arms and bring he to Him. I could take losing Barbara if I knew that I could have another child. The two- losing Barbara and my infertility- are connected in my mind and heart. The fact that my kids all share me as a mother links them all to me and me to them and them to each other. The fact that my arms still want a baby to hold only makes the connection between my loss and the inability to have more babies even stronger. It is ironic, too, that an injury resulting from the baby that died is preventing any future babies. How can I ignore this connection? What is God trying to tell me? Have I done something wrong? Am I doing something wrong? If so, can I make it right and how? Why do I have to deal with pregnant woman bragging at church? Can't God spare me even then? I am starting to think that maybe there is no God; this would explain the chaos behind everything and the seemingly endless end of bad things that happen for no reason. We are just randomly conceived, born and die. There is no God overseeing us, loving us, hearing our prayers... Or, if there is a God, He is cruel. He doesn't love all of us and He doesn't care about us. Maybe we are just a big joke to Him. He is cruel! How can we be expected to love someone who is so cruel? Someone who has offered no help and then kicks us when we are down? It isn't even as if I can go to a priest about this; all I ever hear is that this is the will of God and He has His reasons. Well, I have heard this so many times in the past 10 months that it has lost all meaning and truth for me. I have become desensitized to it. I also have to hear how I should just be grateful for the kids I have- as if I am not! The thing is that kids are all different, they are not all the same; they bring different things to the family. And being grateful for the kids I have can't negate the pain I feel because I lost one and the anger, frustration and pain I feel because I can't have another one. Priests could really use some sensitivity training! In my last post I wrote about prayer and how I was sick of praying. Nothing has changed. I am still sick of praying just like I would be sick of asking anyone for something and never getting it or talking to someone who repeatedly does not listen. I am sick of dealing with someone who obviously does not love me or care for me. I have realized that what I do doesn't matter; I am just screwed in God's eyes. I have hoped and I have prayed for the intercession and guidance of the Saints and they all don't hear me. I don't want to lead anyone astray but I have to be honest and write what is going on in my head and my heart. Maybe there is someone else out there who feels like I do and maybe if they read this, they will know that they are not a freak. I feel like a freak because I am all alone. No one understands. My husband just gets mad at me and yells at me. He can't ever understand and he never will. I have learned that I can't cry in front of him or tell him how I feel. I can't tell my friends because they just tell me that God has His reasons and this just makes me so mad! I guess I am just sick of feeling so angry. I am so angry with God and everyone I know. I don't know why God kept me alive and took Barbara; I can only imagine because He likes inflicting pain upon me. The kind thing would have been to take me as well. When I pray, now, the only thing I can say is that I am so tired of living and I just want to be taken now. There is nothing that is able to take this pain away and if God really loved me He would know how I suffer. I won't go to Mass tomorrow. I don't want to see the pregnant women and hear them bragging. I am not even sure if I want to be Catholic anymore because no one from my faith community has attempted to be there for me and now all they are doing is adding to my grief. Christians aren't supposed to behave this way. I have no doubt that the Church is good but I also think that so many of its members have lost their way and don't behave the way a good Christian should behave and I am thinking that I don't want this in my life. I am thinking that it doesn't help me to be a good Christian and it sets a poor example for my kids. I am not even sure if I want to have God in my life anymore, either. I want to take all of my religious pictures and statues and burn them. I want to take my rosaries and break them all because they mean nothing to me anymore. You may say that I am a terrible person or that I have failed in God's eyes. I wouldn't care anymore because He has failed me so may times; He could not even see fit to bring me comfort over the past 10 months. I just feel like a terrible mother because I have been raising my kids to love God and now I don't want anything to do with Him. I don't even know if there is a God. Maybe Barbara is just dead and rotting in the ground; maybe this is the ultimate end. I have been crying for help from God and He hasn't heard. Either he hates me or doesn't exist. And if there is a reason for all this, I dislike Him even more because He took my baby and won't give me anymore solely because He has his reasons- regardless of my pain and suffering. I have been praying to St. Pio and, in my head, an image of his outstretched hand is reaching to me but I can just barely reach it. In the end, I am just too far away and can't grab his hand. I guess I just feel like this whole religion thing is a lost cause. Maybe I am lost cause; maybe the world is lost cause. We are not promised happiness in this life but does this mean that we are promised misery? We are told to expect eternal happiness but there is no proof that this exists so why bother looking ahead to this while living a completely miserable life? I have cried to God and Mary, the mother of Jesus, for help and pity and no one has heard. Maybe it is all made up. I would be happy with someone calling- just once- to tell me that they are here for me; someone who won't judge... I could deal with everything else if I just had that. But for 10 whole months, I have been alone. I am only human and there is only so much I can take and I have had it! I wish I had answers for other people. I wish I could make other people feel better and tell them that there is a God who cares bur I can't anymore. I am so sorry.