Bearing False Witness

BEARING FALSE WITNESS

CCC= Catechism of the Catholic Church

Recently, I found myself in a position where someone took a very personal and painful situation and twisted it in order to be used to their advantage (publicly).
I used to think that “false witness” meant only lying about people however, it actually means much more than this (CCC 2464- 2470).
Now, in my case, someone bore false witness against me in the simplest of terms: she outright lied about me and purposely left out the majority of story while extracting from it just enough to further her cause.
The thing is, not only was this morally wrong, but also incredibly painful because she was lying about the death of my child and actually posted the lie on the anniversary of my daughter’s death.
What does the Church have to say about lying? Well, by definition “a lie consists in speaking a falsehood with the intention of deceiving” and “to lie is to speak or act against truth in order to lead someone into error” (CCC 2482). Also, while a lie in itself is only a venial sin, “it becomes [a] mortal [sin] when it does grave injury to the virtues of justice and charity” (CCC 2484).
　
The CCC tells us: “the Lord denounces lying as the work of the devil” (CCC 2482). Lying is to “be condemned” and is a “profanation of speech” (CCC 2484). Even worse, the CCC maintains:
“a lie does real violence to another; it affects his ability to know, which is a condition of every judgment decision. It contains the seeds of discord and all consequent evils. Lying is destructive of society; it undermines trust among men and tears apart the fabric of social relationships” (CCC 2486).
Furthermore, deliberately leading another astray by way of lying “constitutes a failure in justice and charity” (CCC 2485.
Now, I know that people believe that it is unreasonable and unfair of me (or other practicing Catholics) to expect others adhere to one of the oldest and most basic of moral laws, but I can’t help but expect at least some degree of fairness, truth and justice from competent people.
In the end, regardless of what a person does or does not believe- a lie is a lie and lying is wrong.
So, someone has lied about me and the death of my child…
The dilemma is (after the sobbing stops): how does a Catholic handle this without also bearing false witness?
Wrought with emotion, and only being a lowly human, my first thought was how to get her back (wrong!). Now, even though I felt flushed with anger and then grief, I decided to calmly defend myself and the honor of my child. I wrote a respectful and honest email to my offender.
Looking back, this was a mistake. Jesus tells us to, first, handle things privately and then, if the matter is not resolved, it can be dealt with publicly. Also, I was motivated by anger, pain and ego and nothing too good ever comes from this sort of motivation.
In any case, I tried to remedy the situation- to no avail.
So- how to proceed… how does a Catholic proceed in such matters? First off- prayerfully and mindfully and with love.
Love is hard to muster up when all one thinks she can feel is something fairly close to hate.
How can I honestly address this situation without being uncharitable, unfair and mean? What more do I have to know about false witness in order to avoid committing it?
MORE KINDS OF FALSE WITNESS
The CCC tells us that we always must respect the reputation of others and “forbids any attitude and word likely to… cause unjust injury” (CCC 2477)
One must also take care not to practice rash judgment on the “moral fault of a neighbor… without sufficient foundation” even if one assumes that the fault is true (CCC 2477). Rash judgment can be avoided by truly attempting to understand the meaning behind one’s words so as not to misunderstand and/ or misinterpret what is said. It means applying the principle of charity to the arguments and opinions of others rather than rashly assuming that someone is out to harm us or our reputation (CCC 2478).

Moreover, one must take care so as not be to guilty of detraction- meaning exposing the failings and faults of another to strangers without an “objectively valid reason” (CCC 2477).
Lastly, one must not be guilty of calumny by way of telling lies about someone and thus ruining their reputation and creating a situation where “false judgments” can be made about the victim in question (CCC 2477).
Both “detraction and calumny destroy the reputation and honor of one’s neighbor” and, being that honor is “the social witness given to human dignity“, detraction and calumny “offend against the virtues of justice and charity“(CCC 2480). What does this mean? In short, knowingly exposing the faults of others without sufficient justification and telling lies that ruin the reputation and honor of another human being is both unjust and uncharitable.
　
So, first off, as Catholics, we must be careful not to lie. Second, we must always take care to watch what we say (or write). We must not purposely set out to ruin the reputation of another by lying or even telling what we may believe is the truth. We must not expose the faults of others without sufficient cause and we must always extend the benefit of doubt to others.
Another thing to consider is the question of evil. Evil can bring forth evil. If to lie is evil then to defend one’s self in a disrespectful or sinful way is also evil. The work of the devil is everywhere and one can see his work by the misery, discord and pain it brings. As Catholics, we must not fall pray to evil and be seduced by it, thus doing more evil. We must ask Jesus, His Blessed Mother and St. Michael for help in defeating evil.
This is how Catholics deal with false witness. We don’t have to lie back and take it; we can defend ourselves with prayer, love, patience, caution, justice, charity and the truth.

Correction

I must correct something I said earlier; I mentioned home birth in another post called "A Time to Be Born". Perhaps this is the post Dr. Amy has read? I noticed a good deal of traffic on this post and the one after it. I might have mentioned it in a few other posts.

I also realized, when I  actually looked at my blog (which I never do because I just post and then get off line) that I mention home birth in the description of the blog. I designed this blog a long time ago and forgot I had written that. So, when I am wrong, I say I'm wrong. I will change this... I don't want my ideas about birth to be the focus of this blog... This was never my intent!

Hmm. I wonder if anyone will bother to read my defense or if Dr. Amy has been successful in exlpoiting the death of my child? I feel sick. I am pretty sure I am going to delete this blog. It isn't worth it to keep it up knowing what it is being used for. I will give my defense a few days to be read and then the whole blog may be gone.

So much for a safe place.

Oh, and she quoted from "Blame". And also (wrongly) came up with cause of death which was NOT GBS sepsis but instead blood infection resulting from NICU negligence and congenital hypothyroidism which most likely caused the heart and kidney issue. I read the post; while it was kinder to me than I had supposed, it was still distressing to read. My prenatal records and my daughter's NICU records were recently reviewed by two docs and neither of their opinions are in agreement with Dr. Amy, who has not seen these records but thought she had the right to diagnose my child and blame me, anyway.

It is bad enough to make a grieving parent feel worse but to cause such  great distress to a grieving, pregnant mother is something else entirely; and any OB should know that! Stress isn't good for moms and their babies!

God forgive me if I have been cruel; I do not mean to be.

I can't sleep; I am so distressed. I think I'll go have a good cry. I also think I won't let Dr. Amy ruin this. I already deleted a few posts- which I now regret... I will, however, delete the posts that can- in any way- be used and exploited by Dr. Amy... Which is a terrible shame; I found the honesty refreshing- but not at such a cost... I can feel a huge blob in my throat which means that I will have to cry before I explode. I wish that no one ever had to feel this way...  I would gladly feel so bad if it meant that others would be spared feeling this bad... No parent should have to deal with the blame of others on top of the blame she already places on herself. No pregnant mom should have to sob hysterically because of something like this.

Oh- Jesus was so right about the world! I will say a rosary for every parent hurt by Dr. Amy and I will pray that she can begin to see the harm she does so that she can begin to help instead!

Is Nothing Sacred?

I am now really integrating the whole Dr. Amy situation into my being and, I have to say, that I feel nausiated.

When my poor husband came home, I had to tell him. He knows of Dr. Amy and, as a scientist who reads academic/ scientific/ medical journal articles, has taken issue with much of Dr. Amy's rants for some time. We never felt the need to publically insult her or refute her arguments, though, because our life does not revolve around our choice to birth at home.

I knew he would already feel upset about getting home too late to attend Mass and adoration and that telling him about Dr. Amy would be the icing on the cake. Now, niether of us believe in sensorship and, even though we often disagree with Dr. Amy, we believe she has the right to say what she likes and express her beliefs and opinions. It is her tactics we take issue with. Now that it is all closer to home, it has become very painful and personal.

I don't know how Dr. Amy found the one entry of this blog that mentions home birth. I wonder if she even bothered to read the rest of my posts or even that post in its entirety. I never thought that I'd have to worry about her- or anyone else- taking something quite small and insiginficant and making it into such a big deal that really just detracts from the oringinal purpose of the blog...

This blog was a "safe place" because sometimes I don't feel it is safe to tell anyone how I feel. I am sure that other people can relate and so this blog was supposed to be a safe place for everyone. Because it deals with my faith and my struggles with it, it often delves into the sacred; my relationship with God is very important, personal and sacred.

I am a very private person. It often has been very difficult to admit some of the things I have thought and felt over the past year. I put myself out there, though, in order to help other people because I knew how it was to feel so alone and isolated from other people. I never realized the possible consequences of bearing my heart, though.

Of course, I thought that some people may take issue with my faith (or sometimes lack thereof) but I never imagined that my feelings and the death of my child would be exploited to justify Dr. Amy's hatred for all things home birth and home birth parents. I didn't think that people could be so cruel!

I believe that the sacred has been invaded and trashed and that pearls have been thrown to sows (no, I am not calling Dr. Amy or anyone else a pig!) But some things ought to be sacred and the death of a child is one of those things.

The world must be a more twisted place than I ever imagined when the untimely death of an innocent child and the pain of her parents is fodder for a cause like Dr. Amy's. This time, she has gone too far. This time, the world has gone too far.

I doubt Dr. Amy has any idea what I have been through this past year just like she has no idea what I went through when OB negligence nearly killed my first child... Life, it seems, is not as imporant to her as her cause and death under the right circumstances is a real reason to celebrate another victory for the cause. Life is very important to me- that is why I keep on living despite how terrible I so often feel and that is why I did all I could to keep my oldest child and Barbara alive.

Blame is a terrible thing and moms will blame themselves no matter what they do; I am still blaming myself for having my first child in the hosptial! To use this blame that parents naturally feel and turn it agiainst them is very, very cruel.

The time I had with Barbara- as short as it was- was sacred. Her memory is sacred. Even my pain is sacred because it untites me with Christ (who suffered greatly) and can be offered up for causes bigger than my own. When sanctity is invaded, perverted and exploited, it becomes dirty.

I had no idea that my blog could be used in this way. I am just not sure I want to continue to bear my heart to people who could use my pain in such a horrible way. I guess I didn't think about this possibiliy. The truth is that I feel sickened that my child's memory has been sullied this way and that the sacred has been made profane. I am not sure I can continue to keep this blog because I don't want to ruin the memory of my child and allow myself to be so vulnerable again.

I have put my husband's heart out there, too, and now I can also blame myself that I have given him cause to feel more pain. I never thought this could hurt him. Barbara was his baby, too, and I guess I just never thought I'd be taking a chance like this with his heart... It makes me feel very, very sick.

Everyone has the right to an opinion but no one has the right to dishonor the life and death of my (or any) baby in any way, shape or form. No one has the right to judge and blame and cause so much suffering on top of the suffering that already exists after the loss of a child. No one has the right to use the death of a baby in that way. I will do anyting to see that the memory of Barbara is nothing but beautiful and sacred and if this means deleting this blog, then so be it.

Tonight I will pray for the other parents who have been singled out and blamed by Dr. Amy. I pray that their pain may be minimized and that they may have the strength and confidence to see through the blame, judgement and hatred spewed at them.

I used to say to myself "someday, Dr. Amy will pick on the wrong person and then it will stop" (the blame and hatred, that is).  I pray that that time will come sooner rather than later and that someday someone who is much stronger than I am will put an end to it. Then no one else will have to feel like I felt today.

Clearing things Up

 

The intention of this blog is, as you know, to vent, to grieve and to help- all within the confines of my Catholic Faith. I wrote a post called "Blame" a while back in which home birth is mentioned. While the subject of home birth is beyond the scope of this blog, I feel the need to respond to a bit of information of which I was recently made aware. If you are not interested in reading my response, please don't feel obligated to do so... I won't be offended (I won't even know!).

 

In "Blame" I mentioned that birth at home was a somewhat controversial issue in the US but did not go into detail believing that doing so would be counterproductive to the intent of this blog. However, because my blog is being cited (publically) by a Dr. Amy, who is very much against home birth, I felt the need to defend myself publiclally. Unfortunately, Dr. Amy did not give me this right nor did she feel the need to contact me personally to find out the facts before using my pain and my daughter's death to further her cause. 

 

 In short, Dr. Amy hates the practice of home birth and this hatred extends beyond the practice itself and to all parents who choose to birth at home- regardless of situation. In life, very few things are black and white and birth at home happens to be one of these things. Unfortunately, Dr. Amy does not see it this way and believes that ALL homebirth parents are negligent, selfish people who care more about their own gratification/ and political-social agenda than they do about safety. To Dr. Amy- home birth is ALWAYS wrong in ALL situations. ALL midwives who attend home births are incompetent, uneducated and thoughtless. To her it is black and white.

 

Now, as I mentioned before, this blog is not about home birth although maybe this is God's way of telling me that, perhaps, it should be mentioned occasionally- especially because religion pays a role in why I choose to birth at home At least, here and now, it needs addressing.

 

The short of it is that I believe tht birth at home- with the complementary care of an MD or OB routinely and when necessary- is safe. I have my reasons for believing this which will be discussed later. I also believe that an all- or- nothing attitude does a severe disservice to women and babies and is a major cause of negative outcomes when it comes to birth in ANY situation; the OBs aren't always right and neither are the midwives but together, learning from each other and in cooperation with each other, birth can be made much safer and with more positive outcomes.

 

It is the inflexability, ignorance, hatred and anger that exists within some members of the medical community and some members of the home birth community that is the problem; rather than one way of thinking or birthing is better or worse than the other.

 

Moreover, perhaps if the medical community actually listened to and respected women,  and their bodies and bestowed upon then the very basic dignity to which all human beings are entitled, women would feel less inclined to consider birth at home as an option. However, with the national C- section rate being what it is and with the way women and babies are treated in the maternity ward, it is no wonder that women turn to an option they believe is safer and more respectful of the human person- which is God's own creation. Also, as my letter Dr. Dr. Amy demonstrates, negative outcomes, illness and death happen both at the hospital and at home rather than just at home.

 

In any case, somehow, Dr. Amy somehow found out about the ONE post in this blog that mentions home birth and, in some capacity, is using it on her site. Not only do I consider this disrespectful to the memory of Barbara, but also very, very demeaning to the true and pure intent of this blog. I can't allow the death of my child and my pain to be exploited to further any cause but that of God and, since Dr. Amy is not God, I must take issue with her making referance to or making use of (in any way) my blog.

 

 

So, I here is an email I have written to Dr. Amy in response to my blog being cited or used in any way on her site:

 

 

 

Dear Dr. Amy,

 

I am not sure if it will do any good to write this but I hope that it will. Depite our differing opinions, I hope that I will be treated with the same respect and given the same benefit of doubt that I am giving you.

 

I recently found out that my blog (Catholic Mom in Mourning) is somehow, in some way featured on your blog/ site. I  want you to know that losing a baby was painful enough but then to hear that my expereince- and the short life of my child- has been somehow used and exploited within your blog has only added to my pain. I am aware that you have yor opinions and I do not believe that you are all wrong; you are passionate and are trying to do what you think is best- and that is admirable.

 

I want you to know that I am a mother who never would have thought about home birth until I had a very bad expereince with hospital birth. My first baby was born via emergency C- section after an uneventful, typical pregnancy. After being forced to push through two swollen lips for over two hours, my baby went into distress. It took my CNM 45 min. to get a hold of the OB by phone and then a half hour for him to get to the hospital. Once he got there and I was in the OR, I heard the anesthesiologist tell him that he wanted to wait until another anesthesiologist got there because he did not feel comfortable intubating me. The OB told him to do it anyhow. When I woke up, I was told to say "good bye" to my baby, who was being rushed to the local NICU and would probably die. Apparently, it took 20 min. to intubate me while I was receiving general anesthesia... It took 7 min. for the OR team to decide whether or not to administer CPR to my baby, who was not breathing and unresponsive. Meanwhile, I had to stay at the hospital while my baby was in the local NICU at another hospital. During my stay, I was repeatedly told that my daughter was always breathing, that she was born very healthy with a wonderful APGAR score (wonderful meaning "1"?).

 

However, once I spoke with the attending neonatologist, I learned how bad it really had been and that I had been lied to by the people I had trusted with my life and that of my child. My baby was alive, although no one knew why. At three days old, she had a seizure that lasted over an hour- we were told by her neurologist that the seizure was a direct result of residual anesthesia. At five days old, we were told that she would probably live but would be "moderately to profoundly retarded." When I asked how this had happened, I was told- point blank- that her condition was a result of birth trauma, lack of oxygen and anesthesia OD.

 

As you can imagine, my life was never the same. Instead of bringing home a healthy baby, I was looking at a long NICU stay after which I could only look forward to therapy sessions and round- the- clock specialized care for my very damaged child. Needless to say, I never wanted to have another child. While finishing up my degree, I met two other women who had gone to the same OB/CNM practice who also had mentally handicapped kids as a direct result of birth trauma. I also know that one (smart) OB chose to leave the practice becuse of the ineptitude and negligence of other OBs in the practice. So, just as there are "serial midwives" as some women like to claim, there are also plenty of serial OBs in the world, it seems.

 

Years past, though, and my life was different and I was ready- although frightened- to think about having another baby. I planned to have a VBAC and read all I could about maximizing my chances of success. After finding out that no one in my area was supportive of VBAC, I decided to look into home birth. I know you hate when people claim to have done research and have educated themselves, so I'll just skip that part and allow you to think of me as you seem to think of all women in my position- ignorant and selfish and we'll leave it at that. In any case, I ended up wanting to have my baby in the hospital and, while in labor, was told  by a resident (who knew about my past experience) that, while my baby was fine, it would be a very long time until I was ready to push and she could not guarantee that my baby would be in good condition when it was time to push and, as a result, he may go into distress. Well, selfish me (a home birth mom!)- I decided to have a section rather than risk the life of my baby...

 

After being opened up, the attending OB began screaming at the resident OB because I was fully dilated and should have had the baby vaginally. He  was obviously very angry with her and told her that it isn't a good idea to do sections when a baby is so far down and the mom is ready to push. Oh well, I was already opened up and pushing was no longer an option. I began sobbing as they began closing me up and was given something to calm me down which only made me throw up. No one would get me anything to throw up into and I began to shake violently. Everybody was too busy talking about their vacations and such.

 

In the recovery room, the nurse would not help me intiate nursing and instead was talking on the phone about how I had ruined her lunch hour.  About 30 min. later, she got off the phone and told me that I would have to remain in recovery until noon (it was 6 am) if i couldn't feel my legs soon- as if I could control when the epidural anesthesia wore off! She never did help me nurse- I had to figure it out myself. I had never nursed before- I had only pumped for a year for my oldest child due her condition- so I was very unsure about how to nurse.

 

Less that 24 hours after the surgery, I was told that I had no pain medication left and that I would just have to deal with the pain. This was around 12 am. By 2 PM the next day, I was in tears because of the pain and another nurse came in and asked me why I was crying. She told me that I had two weeks worth of pain meedicine and wrote the dosage schedule on a board in my room for other nurses to see. I still don't know why the one nurse would not give me any medicine but I do know that I had argued with her about her wanting to give my son formula, a pacifier and bottle.

 

She claimed that I had no milk (who does at 4 hours postpartum?) and that my baby was starving. I asked to see a lactation consultant and was told that she was not available. However, when I called her office, she told me that she had been available all day and that she could have come at any time. She argued with the nurse on my behalf which only seemed to infuriate her (the nurse) more.

 

After a lot of begging, I was able to leave the hospital early but only after I was given the "contraception" talk and offered a contraceptive injection (the syringe was ready to go and brought in with the OB). Now, I am a PRACTICING Catholic which means that I do not use artificial contraception and have always found that NFP works well and has never let me down. The OB did not agree, though, and kept pushing the contraceptive injection on me until he saw that it was just not going to happen... This, on top of everything else, was too much!

 

So, when I became pregnant with my thrid baby (after a year- and- a half of successful NFP!), I knew I either had to submit to another section or VBA2C at home.

I also knew that there is no medical evidence that suggests that VBAC after two sections poses any more risk than a VBAC after one and so planned to stay at home. However, I received physician co- care as needed during the pregnancy and was ready to birth at the hospital if necessary. My third child was born at home with no complications.

 

As a result, I planned on having my fourth at home under the same circumstances. At around 10 weeks, I went to see my physician because I did not feel right. He ran a bunch of blood tests and never got back to me although he saw me plenty of times afterwards and never mentioned any abnormal results. Due to a clericcal error on the part of his staff, I could not get online to access my results although I attempted to do so several times and even called his office for assistance.

 

My baby was born sick even though I had recieved physician co- care as needed throughout the pregnancy. She was born with a congenital heart defect and a kidney abnormality that was not caught during any prenatal diagnostic exam. Moreover, she was infected with GBS even though I was negative and considered low- risk for GBS.. Her metabolic screen came back abnormal when it came to nearly every metabolic problem a baby could have.

 

While she was in the NICU, the NICU staff made several errors with regards to her care (we have a PA friend who oversaw her care) and, because her PIC was removed a week after anitbiotics were stopped (and a week longer than it should have been in to begin with), she contracted a blood infection from which she  eventually died.

 

Two months after her death, I was finally able to review my prenatal records and noticed that my thyroid panel was very abnormal. The doc made a note of it and wanted to do more tests but never called me or told me during subsequent visits. I also showed signs of both iron- definciency and pernicious anemia.

 

My baby did not die from home birth and I did not forego medical care because I am more interested in my own political/ social agenda  than safety. I  understand the need for obstetrical care as needed and do not choose to birth at home without complimentary medical care. In the case of my last baby, I can't see how my midwife or home birth is to blame. The truth is that I had severe hypothyroidism (hashimotos) that my physician never told me about. My baby also had abnormalities could not have been caused by home birth; my midwife did not cause any of her problems and neither did home birth. She would have been born just as sick if she had been born in the hospital. The only difference is that she would have been taken to the NICU sooner but even that would not have made any difference. This was the one mistake my midwife and I made. 

 

I am pregnant again and, already, one OB has messed up my thyroid medication while another refused to prescribe medication at all (even though he had years of medical records detailing the thyroid issue at her disposal). I have since found a wonderful OB who has been on top of my thyroid problem and also on top of the GBS issue (for which I have cultured negative in urine and recto- vaginally). Again, I am planning on a home birth with the option to VBA2C in the local hospital if necessary. Again, my care is being overseen by an OB who has been willing to discuss- at length- what may have gone wrong last time so that we can be on top of things this time. He has reviewed my records and those of my deceased child and does not blame home birth and so, perhaps you can find it in your heart and mind to agree with him and, at least in my case,  stop using my situation to further your cause.

 

My blog is all about dealing with the loss of my child. I share some very personal emotions on my blog so that other moms in my position can read what I have written and not feel as freakish as I do at times. it is not about home birth, OBs or midwives. It is not political in nature and exists only to help other women deal with the loss of their children. As a mother who so often feels so alone, I know how important it is to be able to relate to someone else and feel as if one is not alone. My intent is to help ALL women- home birth moms, hospital- birth moms, moms who have miscarried, moms who have lost oder/ adult children... My job is never to judge but to be a voice in the darkness as I believe I am supposed to be as a Christian. To make my blog, which is actually about so much, into something so particular and trivial does not do its intent justice.

 

Have you ever lost a child? There can be nothing more painful. It really sets one apart from others when others are so needed. The pain never goes away. Knowing how it feels like to lose a child, I could never blame parents for the loss. I am certain that there is enough self- blame (even if it is not mentioned) to go around without others chiming in. I can't speak for other parents but I can say that some very neative experiences with OBs got me thinking about home birth whereas if I had not had these experiences, I would not have even thought about having a baby at home. Perhaps this is the case with other parents who birth at home. In my case, OB negligence nearly killed my oldest child and OB incompetance earned me my second scar and MD negligence contributed to the death of my last baby and, had I not been on the ball this time, could have caused another negative outcome with the child I am now so blessed to carry. Yet I don't hate OBs and MDs and I do not hate you even though, when I read your blog, I read a good amount of hatred directed towards me and others like me in your posts.

 

My daughter died on October 1 and on October 2, I found out that my blog was featured on your blog/ site. Someone who feels bad for me despite your opinion(s) of me thought to send me an email. I do not know what you have written about me or my blog or my situation but what you- or anyone else- can read on my blog is not the whole story. The goal of the ONE post in which home birth is mentioned is not about bashing OBs and praising home birth but instead how it feels to be blamed for the death of your child because most things grief- related are universal. Since you apparently blame me, it makes sense that my blog should be picked up and used by you.

 

I have to say that I do not understand how someone without the entire story can feel OK about exploiting the death of a child and the pain of a grieving mother. My deceased daughter does not deserve this and neither do my husband and I. I am asking you, politely, to remove my blog from your site. I also want to inform you that what it written on my blog is subject to copywrite laws and cannot be used or quoted without my permission. I do not want to take away your right to your opinion but instead want to ensure that my blog remains what it is meant to be and not what you seem to be turning it into. Even if you hate me, you can not hate my child- who even you must admit- is innocent of all charges and so, for her sake, if you can't do it for mine, please remove any mention of my blog from your site.

 

I am also asking you- as a mother in pain- to please check out the facts before using someone's situation for your blog. Words can be very painful and, when a person already feels so much pain, it really seems unnecessary to make it worse. I would have greatly appreciated hearing from you (you obviously can find my email address since you have found my blog) and dealing with this privately rather than publicly. Anyhow, you can't claim to be posting facts when you have not bothered to find out what the facts are!

 

I never had any intention of bad- mouthing the OBs and MDs who have made mistakes/ been negligent because I believe that, eventually, God puts everything right and, again, my blog is not about bashing anyone. There are bad midwives and bad OBs; but not all OBs are bad and not all midwives are bad... This sort of thinking defies logic and contributes to ignorance and hatred rather than truth and cooperation. Even after my experiences, I know that there are good OBs/MDs and do not hate even those who have caused me pain. Still, the truth is the truth and I feel as though I have been forced to tell the whole truth in defence of my my self, my family, the real intent of my blog and in honor of my daughter. It seems that now, inavertantly, there will be OB/MD bashing... But, again, at least it is the truth.

 

Since you are leading people to my blog, I feel the need to respond publicly and, as a result, I  will post this so that your followers may know the truth-which is more than you are willing to give them about me.

 

I pray that God ends this anger/ hatred/ ignorance felt between some members of the medical community and some members of the home birth community because- in the end- cooperation,understanding and respect between the two make birth safer while anger/ hatred and ignorance only it make unsafe both at home and in the hospital. 

 

EB- Catholic Mom in Mourning

A Light in the Darkness

Today I opened an email from a very kind person who took time out of her day to provide comfort and companionship to me at a very difficult time; she has done the work of God.

I have learned that God speaks to us in many different ways- we juat have to listen. I think we all too often forget that God can speak to us directly through others although it is something we should never forget. After all, we are commanded to love one another... if God is love, then when we love others, we are participating in something bigger than the feeling itself; we are participating in God.

Little things that we do for each other matter so much when we remember that what we do to others, we do to Jesus and that to love is to participate in God.

An email reminding a mother in pain that she is not alone and that God loves her and is always there for her is a powerful thing. It is not only a reminder that God never leaves us but also that He loves us and that this love can be expressed in a very tangible, earthly way. Reminding someone who is questioning their faith that God exists and that He is always there even if it doesn't feel like it can shepherd a soul back to Christ and is a wonderful thing.

This past year has been the worst year of my life. I never thought that I could feel so alone and feel so much pain. When a person feels so much pain, it extends into every part of their existence and everything that used to be a known truth or matter of fact is called into question. In writing this blog, I wanted to give other moms what I didn't have- someone to let them know that they are not complete freaks for thinking/ feeling certain things. I have been brutally honest and have written things that I normally would never have told even my best friend only because I wished I could hear them from someone else.

I have been helpless to really help people as much as I would have liked over the past year because I could barely help myself. With this blog, though, I have tried to be a light in the darkness as is commanded by scripture. I did this because it was all I could do.

It has also helped to get it all out! Keeping things in can make a person very sick and bitter. I know that some people read this and I want to thank them for doing so! You, too, are lights in the darkness just for sticking by me!

I also must publicly thank the two people who have responded to my posts; God bless you and keep you! You have been real lights in my darkness and I am grateful for your kind words and compassionate thoughts.

We are ALL called to be lights in the darkness and we all have the potential to be so. No matter how dark life seems, we can always try to be lights- even dim ones- for others. We can remember that doing the smallest thing may bring the greatest amount of comfort to someone who is worse off than we are (and there is ALWAYS someone worse off!).

As Christians we MUST remember this!

Jesus- my All!

A Year Gone By

So, the birthday has come and gone. We attended a First Saturday Mass, a High Sunday Mass and a NO Mass on the day of her birth; these masses were in remembrance of her.

After weeks of dreading her birthday, it wasn't so bad. We went to mass in the morning and then to the cemetery. It was a very hot day and, of the few immediate family members who came to the cemetery, most did not stay long. The only people who could bear the heat were my husband, my mother and me. We said a rosary and then talked a bit. It was hard to feel anything for some reason; at the time I thought that my heart was at peace about it...

After my mom left, I began feeling bad and I cried hard for a while. Again, I kept asking "why" and "what if"... I blamed myself again and then began thinking about the baby I would have in March. I told my husband that I hoped Barbara knows that no one could ever replace her and that was not what I was intending with this "new" baby. I wondered if Barbara knows how much I love her and miss her and if she  was watcing over us all.

We stayed for most of the day- just sitting there- talking, remembering, wondering and crying. Because I ended up getting a terrible sunburn (it's that Irish complexion) we had to leave. We thought about going back later but decided to just stay home; the cemetery is an hour away and the weekend had been tough.

It will soon be the anniversary of her death... Monday, in fact. Last Sunday, despite the cold, wet weather, we went to the cemetery. I confessed to my husband that I had been avoiding the cemetery and the whole subject for most of the month. I just haven't been dealing with it when, the whole time, I assumed everything was fine.

The thing is that I am- for the most part- alone when it comes to dealing with things. My husband is gone at least 12 hours a day and my family has not been there for me since the very beginning. I don't have anyone to cry to or lean on. I just have to hold it all together. I feel like I don't have a choice. I feel like I just have to keep going like it never happened because thinking about it is only too painful and I just don't have an outlett for that sort of pain.

The fact that I am pregnant is truly a blessing but it is not without its own implications... I am so afraid of losing this baby. what if he/ she dies? I try to trust in God but I have done this before and look what happened!

My relationship with God has suffered over this past month. I am angry with Him and I don't understand Him at all. I am told that it is not my place to understand and that there is a plan and that He knows what it best for me.

I say this to myself until I can accept it and then something else goes terribly wrong and I am left guessing again. This month my husband was told that he may lose his job in three months. He starts a new project which will determine whether or not they keep him or let him go on the anniversary of Barbara's death. So, I want to ask God when enough will be enough... I want to ask Him whether or not He thinks I deserve a break yet... It is just so hard to believe in a God that is ordered and just when everything seems so chaotic and unfair. Now I have to deal with being pregnant and my husband possibly having no job- thus no income and no insurance- by the time the baby comes. This is just another thing to worry about on top of worrying about whether ot not this baby will be born just to die like my last...

So, I am trying.

Monday there will be a mass for her. As the day approaches I am having a hard time keeping it all together. I don't even want to go to the mass.

When we went to the cemetery, we noticed that the groundspeople- who usually take whatever we leave and throw it in the trash- left the cards her sisters made for her. Because it had been so rainy, they were falling apart. We buried them so that the groundspeople could never take them. We then pulled out the grass that was growing and brushed the grass seed aside because, without the bare spot over her body, there is no way of knowing where she is. We can't afford a stone- or rather, we can't afford a stone plus the useless concrete slab the cemetery charges extra for.

As we were leaving, I looked around at the bigger stones with marble vases and wished we could afford one for her. That way, no one would take what we put in the vases and we could be sure that there was always something there to honor her. The larger stones with the vases are far too expensive for us ever to afford, though, and this makes me mad. Apparently, a person has to be wealthy in order to be properly honored after death... at least this is what the Catholic Cemeteries Association seems to believe. It's just that nothing about her life was fair and now, after death, it is much the same.

All of these things are so painful.

I have been thinking about how we spent this whole month last year in ther NICU and I have been wondering how I was able to deal with it for so long. The NICU was such a terrible place; I don't know how I was able to sit there everyday and deal with it all by myself. I don't know how I was able to be patient while God's will was being done and while everyone around me only wanted her dead. I don't know how I was able to be even a little hopeful while everyone else was so hopeless. I don't know how I kept my faith in such a place that seems so far removed from God.

I have been remembering the walks I would take outside and how I would not let them see me cry because this meant I was weak and they could sense weakness and would pounce on it like lions during a kill... I knew they wanted us to pull the plug and, in the end when things became so hard for me, I was afraid they would get to me at a time of extreme weakness and exhaustion. I knew that they had been whittling away at my hope and strength for weeks and that they were only getting stronger while I only got weaker. I would leave and go outside where no one could find me and I would just sob. I would not go back in until I was done and my face looked as if I hadn't been crying. I went back in pretending to be strong, energetic and full of hope.

The other day, I remembered that my husband was yelled at for having his computer plugged in to a hospital plug while we sat by her as she died. We knew she was dying and they knew she was dying (although they didn't tell us they knew) and my husband was on the computer trying to contact friends and relatives. The thing was that we had been given permission from several nurses and doctors to use the plug... At the time, I felt like throwing up. What kind of a monster would tell the father of a dying baby not to use a plug???? A plug- something that paled in comparison to what was going on- what the father was dealing with. This was a little comfort to him and he couldn't even have it.

That was how it was like.

The truth is that this last month has been very painful and very deifficult. I miss Barbara. Even after a year, I still hurt as if it happened yesterday...

A Time to be Born

I am not sure who reads this; I know at least one person does as I received two lovely emails from someone who read an entry and could relate. 

In any case, I have not posted in a while and so I believe I ought to explain why. 

First off, I have been blessed with another pregnancy and am now 12 weeks along. Over the past 10 weeks I have been spending time finding the perfect midwives and looking for a decent OB. I have also had to fight my previous OB in order to have my thyroid tested and then treated. 

At the same time, my computer broke and is still in parts on my dining room table but, at least for now, it works. 

Last June, I began praying fervently about my infertility issue. In July, I was scheduled for an HSG. I began asking St. Rita for her intervention and also asking St. Pio for help because my faith was being challenged in a big way. I went to adoration and had an epiphany about Barbara belonging to God and decided to go to adoration as often as possible. I actually didn't try to become pregnant in June; I had sort of given up. I realized that it was all up to God and nothing I could do could change His will for me. All I could do was pray- and pray I did. 

I was shocked when I found out I was pregnant. I was happy, but shocked. 

I am so blessed. I know this but my happiness does not exist without fear and sadness... I am reminded of my loss in ways I never thought possible. Being pregnant brings it all back while, at the same time, reminding me that God gives as well as takes away. While I am so happy to be reminded that there are still blessings to be had and happy times to celebrate, I am also often frightened and sad. 

I think things that I never thought about before; morbid things like: should I get rid of all the baby clothes I so washed and lovingly folded and put away for Barbara or just get new ones? Should I sew a baptismal gown? If I do and the baby dies, I will feel sad that I have the gown but if I don't and the baby dies, I will also not have something nice to bury the baby in. You see, one thing I regret is not having a gown to have buried Barbara in. So, I decided to pick one out and sew it. 

What about the bassinet we bought to Barbara- should I get rid of it and get a new one or use it? After all, it was hers and she is gone. What if using it somehow makes the new baby die? Yes- this is superstitious but I can't help but think this way. 

Will the new baby only remind me of Barbara and make me sad? Will I have a hard time bonding with this baby because I will be so afraid of losing it? Will I be over- protective because I am afraid of losing it? 

The worst is that, now that my thyroid problem is being treated, I wonder if Barbara would have lived had I been treated while I was pregnant with her. Thinking that being treated would have changed things only makes me blame myself with a new sort of fervor. 

Then I have to wonder if Barbara thinks that I have forgotten about her or that she is replaceable. Of course, I know that she is with God and can't be sad but still, I wonder... I am afraid that I will forget her because I will be so happy when I am made a new mother again and forgetting her would be terrible. 

Dealing with the judgment and ignorance of other people has also made life difficult. A while back my cousin- operating our of sheer ignorance- begged me not to see a midwife for this baby. You see, someone within my family started a rumor that homebirth killed Barbara and, rather than bother to find out the truth, people have taken delight in propagating this rumor- which is sickening. 

I revel at the fact that I have been so blessed and then remind myself that there is no way of knowing how this will turn out. I could have a still- born or the baby could be born sick like Barbara. This baby could have a mental or physical issue and could have to go to the NICU. 

Then I think that, if something goes wrong, I want to be closer to another NICU so that I don't have to go back to the one where Barbara died... 

At the same time, I am reminded that there is a time for everything. There is a time to mourn and a time for joy; a time for birth and a time to die. 

On Labor Day, Barbara would have been turning one. She would have been eating her first cake with her hands and having a good time. She would probably be walking or almost walking. She might have even learned to say a word or two. She would have had a few teeth- at least one... 

On October 1, it will be a year since she is dead. This next month will be very hard. If I didn't have this new life growing inside of me, I might- in my human frailty- give in to despair. As it is, though, I can't. I have to eat, I have to sleep, I have to care for myself; there is no other option. 

I am not saying that I won't grieve; I will. I will cry a lot. I will feel very sad. I will feel angry. I will ask "why" and "what if"... But I will not be able to let it consume me or become me. I can't. 

I can't be all sad when, amidst the grief, I have something special going on that can't stop me from feeling happy. Even if the blessing is a double- edged sword... it is a blessing, none- the - less and who am I to question what the Lord has done? 

Again, I am shocked that I am pregnant to begin with... I thank God and St. Rita and St. Pio every day. I now constantly ask St. Rita for help because she is the patron saint of lost causes and I so often feel like a lost cause. 

This month will be very difficult for me- I ask for your prayers. I also ask that you bear with me when I do not post and/ or when I post and the post is very sad and graphic. I will not hide my thoughts and feelings because someday, somewhere someone who is hurting like I am may stumble upon this blog and be cheered by the fact that they are not alone and that someone else has been there and has felt that way and is getting through it. 

St. Rita- pray for us!