Many people who stumble upon this blog do so on account of a very nasty (former) OB- "Dr. Amy" who takes pride in kicking families while already down. This woman doesn't bother to check sources; she preys upon pain and suffering and uses it to further her very misguided agenda. The bottom line is that this woman is cruel beyond belief and anyone who allies with her shares in her cruelty.
For those of you who have come to delight in the just punishment I received on account of my negligence: you will be sorely disappointed. Tests have confirmed that my child had listeria; my punishment for eating a healthy variety of fruits (melons) and vegetables. However, she died as a result of negligence on the part of the medical staff that were supposed to be caring for her. Her PIC line had never been cleaned and was still in long after antibiotics were discontinued.
People can be very cruel. I never thought that people had the capacity to be so cruel and uncaring. It is so sad that someone who is experiencing the worst kind of pain is only made to feel more.
My entire outlook on life and on humanity is very much changed as a result of this cruelty. So, to those of you who have participated in the cruelty about which I speak: congratulations! You win!
I thought about deleting this blog because it makes me feel sick that my feelings are still at a "place" in which people can take sadistic delight. I can still be mocked, jeered at, used, etc. What people don't get is that it doesn't stop at me; anything you do to me, you do to the memory of my dead child. Your filth spreads much farther than you can imagine.
However, If I can help just ONE person get through what I went through; if I can speak to just one person- I will gladly keep myself and mt most intimate feelings and thought "out there. " That's what it was all about to begin with.
I didn't have any help. I didn't have anyone to tell me that my feelings were OK and that I had the right to express them. I never had someone say that they could relate. I was all alone and no one should have to go through the mourning process alone. NO ONE.
And if I let the fear of being attacked get in my way, I am not being as courageous and strong as my child would want me to be- in her honor and in her place- because she hasn't a voice.
I hope that this blog might help just one person.
The only two things I have to add now- years later- is that I should have allowed myself to get mad. I was so hell- bent on believing that there was a reason and that it was all part of God's plan and that I had no right to question His plan. Nonsense. Expressing anger in a healthy way is fat better than turning it inward where it festers and eats away at sanity and soul.
If you have lost a child, it's OK to feel angry. It's OK to yell and scream and punch a pillow. It's OK. It's OK to question your situation. It's OK to feel whatever it is you are feeling. You aren't crazy, abnormal, or bad.
Second, although it may seem like you won't live through your pain- you will. I can tell you that the pain may never go away but it will get significantly less; it will become manageable: a dull ache compared to a searing, stabbing pain. You will go on. Somehow, you will.
As always, I will read and respond to all (kind) messages. If you are from the Dr. Amy camp, don't bother. I only have one thing to say to you- and it isn't nice or kind... but, since you have a monopoly on nasty and unkind, I am going to say it- and it is going to feel good. For the rest of you, I am sorry to disappoint you- but I do have feelings and sometimes there is only way way to express them- and it isn't pretty, quiet or sweet- so avert your eyes.
So, I bid every kind soul farewell.
To the Dr. Amy camp: Fuck you- you sadistic, evil, vile, nasty, self- important, ignorant pigs!
