Monday, April 30, 2012
The Chaotic Steps of Grieving
First off, I have to say that I don't much like the new Blogger set up; I am not that computer savvy and I am having a hard time getting used to it!
Well, at least I can view my stats and at least I know that a few people are reading this! Thanks!
One thing I have learned from my own experience with grief is that is does not follow any particular pattern. The stages of grief are emphasized and the fact that there does not have to be any order to the stages is barely mentioned. I am surprised that, some days are really OK and I think: "wow, I must finally be feeling better" and then I feel terrible again. I could feel fine and then a few hours later feel terrible...
One thing I have found is that things are less fuzzy, now. I can remember things much clearer and sometimes memories pop up from out of nowhere. I find my mind wandering and I find myself thinking about things to which I never gave much attention. Sometimes I think about things that cause me to feel a lot of pain like- whether or my baby feel any pain when she died. Then, even though it happened 8 months ago, I cry about it as if it happened yesterday.
Going to the cemetery is also difficult- especially after the whole Easter decoration debacle. I have to say, though, that the Catholic Cemeteries Association (CCA) got back to me and asked me to meet with a representative. I plan to do so at the end of the month- after my oldest child celebrated her First Communion. That is something I have to do now- always plan ahead so that nothing interferes with things like that. I know that dealing with it will only cause me to feel terrible pain but I also know that my daughter is counting on me to make her a dress and to be happy on one of the happiest day of her life... My life revolves around pain.
My husband and I have decided, though, that we will move her to another cemetery when we have the money. CCA has their rules and, in all fairness, we must abide them if she is to be kept there. Since their rules just don't work well for us, we believe the best thing would be to move her.
I think what gets me, though, is that people really don't have a choice. If you are a Catholic, you should be buried in a Catholic cemetery. Just yesterday there was a CCA add left in the back of our church! So, people want to be good Catholics and they consent to be buried there. This means that CCA can impose and rule- regardless of how absurd or unfair- and people have to obey.
So, now they want to charge $350.00 (min.) for a concrete slab that goes under a stone in order to stop stones from becoming uneven due to the freezing and thawing nature of the ground. The thing is that no one knows about this when they bury a loved one there. We found out about it when we went looking at stones. The woman at the shop told us that it is a new rule and that it also makes no sense but that it is the rule and so we have to abide by it. They basically do this because they can- because all good Catholics want to be buried in a Catholic cemetery.
At the asme time, though, all good Catholics should not throw away things like rosaries, crucifixes with the likeness of Our Lord on them and blessed palms (this is actually considered sacrilege). Good Catholics should know that the Easter season does not end at Easter but instead at Pentacost and therefore it is right to celebrate the risen Lord until then. Any good Catholic should know that the sacred must always trump the secular and that things like being able to maintain the lawn is not as important as celebrating the Resurrection in ALL its glory (they do have weed- whackers that can easily clean things up around stands)... Most of all, a good Catholic should not take advantage financially of grieving family members when they are most vulnerable!
So, this seems like a Catholic cemetery in name, only and not in practice therefore I believe I have the right not to support it in any way, shape or form.
In any case, this was something that caused me to go from feeling fine to feeling quite bad. I couldn't sleep after knowing that they had thrown out a rosary that was a gift from my oldest child to my dead baby. We had prayed on that rosary several times and it was terrible to know that they had thrown it away. Also. I used to pray the rosary every morning with Barbara and so the fact that I left a rosary there was very meaningful.
We didn't go to the cemetery the Sunday after the debacle; I was far too upset and I wasn't ready for the kids to know that they had taken Barbara's things and thrown them away. We went yesterday, though, and my 2 1/2 year old asked where Barbara's things were. We told her that they have taken them away. She then asked if we could have them back and I had to tell her that they had been thrown out and that we would never get her things back again.
Just like I will never get her back again.
How can anyone describe the pain of losing a child? It isn't something that can be done. Things like throwing away a wreath become a big deal.
Feeling a life slip away from you when the only thing you want to do is keep the life from slipping away is the most odd thing to feel. Sometimes I look back on her last few moments and I think that maybe if I had begged God more or if I had just held onto her tighter she would still be here. Maybe if I had been a better person or... it goes on and on. I don't think I ever realized how helpless I was as a human being until she died in my arms.
When I think about the four weeks of hell spent in the NICU, I tend to believe that my daughter is entitled to an Easter wreath.
At least now I no longer always feel guilty when I am feeling OK. I used to feel guilty for feeling happy- like I don't ever deserve to be happy again since my baby died. It is freeing to feel happy. At the same time, it is a new feeling after so many months of sorrow. I feel somehow liberated and, in away, this in itself makes me feel sad because I don't want to be liberated from Barbara. I feel as if my sorrow is all I have that keeps her with me...
Anyhow, there is no logical pattern to grief- that is for sure. I am starting to think that grief- like love and extreme anger- defy all logic. I also know that certain things are set- backs to feeling better... Avoiding these setbacks, though, is the same thing as avoiding life (which I obviously can't do) therefore I am starting to think that these set- backs are part of it all...
Everyone said that God had a plan...I have to trust that this is all a part of it!
Wednesday, April 18, 2012
Catholic Cemeteries Association of Cleveland
Today I was chatting with my cousin online and he mentioned that he had been at the cemetery yesterday. I asked him if Barbara's Easter things were still there and he replied that they would be picked up tomorrow so I had my mother run to the cemetery to get them before they were picked up and thrown away.
What I didn't know was that my cousin knew that they were gone and, in order to protect my feelings, asked me to have my mom call him. So, she knew that when she went there, they would be gone.
On thing that had been at her grave was a rosary that had lovingly been donated to her by my oldest child. I don't know how I will explain this to her. Two blessed palms were also taken as were two fake floral arrangements, a crucifix and a little stuffed rabbit from her grandmother (my mother).
As Catholics, we have to be buried in Catholic cemeteries whenever possible. This limits where our bodies can be put... So, we have no choice. Well, I am sick of it.
Here is an email I sent to CCAC a few minutes ago:
To Whom It May Concern at Catholic Cemeteries Association:
My husband and I drive every Sunday from Kent to your Brookpark cemetery in order to honor the remains of our deceased infant. Because my husband and I were so distraught when our baby died, relatives were kind enough to take care of the details surrounding her burial and, although we are grateful for this, had we been aware of the rules and regulations in your cemeteries, we would have looked elsewhere to have her buried.
We did not know that, in addition to a stone, we would have to pay for a concrete slab as well. This presents an issue for us as this makes getting our child a stone financially impossible. While $350.00 (min) may not seem like a big deal to you, it is to us and I am certain to many other people who have loved ones buried in your cemetery. I know that we are not the only people who are upset about this; at the same time we were learning about it (from Milano Co.) another woman was also hearing about it for the first time. She was elderly and, presumably, had buried her husband or child. She was so shocked and confused and, despite my own anger and pain, I felt bad for her. The sick thing is that people who have just lost a loved one are vulnerable and not thinking clearly. That, combined with the fact that, as Catholics, we must be buried in a Catholic cemetery, makes it all too easy for people like you to take advantage of people like us.
We also did not know that Easter decorations would be taken down so soon after Easter. While I heard today that there were signs posted, I never saw any. Furthermore, the Easter season officially does not end until Pentacost, which is still weeks away.
The Easter decorations we left for our child meant something to us; these things were not rubbish to be thrown away. Moreover, there were consecrated objects (a rosary that was a gift from our oldest child and two blessed palms) that were taken and, presumably, thrown away. This is sacrilege (CCC 2120). While my mother was at the cemetery hoping to get there in time to take our daughter's things down, other mourners were there and were equally as upset and angry as I am.
While I understand the need for cleanliness, hygiene and fire safety, I also feel that some of your rules and regulations go well beyond safety and any sort of rational thought. I have to wonder what sort of heartless person can think it is OK to remove personal objects from the grave of a baby- or the grave of anyone for that matter. I suppose it is all business to you.
I want you to know that, instead of shelling out an extra $350.00 for a concrete slab for a stone to rest on, the $350.00 will be put, instead, towards moving her out of your cemetery. I want you also to know that I will tell everyone I know not to bury their loved ones in any of your cemeteries. I furthermore want you to know that it is a terrible, terrible sin to take such advantage of people who believe they don't have any other choice (as Catholics)but to be buried in your cemetery.
A copy of this will also be sent to Bishop Lennon, who- as our bishop- should know that rosaries and palms are being thrown away by your staff at your command.
Losing a child has been the most painful thing that has ever happened to my husband and I; it is sad that our grief has only been maximized by your illogical, silly and absurd rules and regulations.
Sincerely,
Mrs.XXXXXXXXXXXXX
Please pray for all of the people who have been hurt by these rules and regulations!
What I didn't know was that my cousin knew that they were gone and, in order to protect my feelings, asked me to have my mom call him. So, she knew that when she went there, they would be gone.
On thing that had been at her grave was a rosary that had lovingly been donated to her by my oldest child. I don't know how I will explain this to her. Two blessed palms were also taken as were two fake floral arrangements, a crucifix and a little stuffed rabbit from her grandmother (my mother).
As Catholics, we have to be buried in Catholic cemeteries whenever possible. This limits where our bodies can be put... So, we have no choice. Well, I am sick of it.
Here is an email I sent to CCAC a few minutes ago:
To Whom It May Concern at Catholic Cemeteries Association:
My husband and I drive every Sunday from Kent to your Brookpark cemetery in order to honor the remains of our deceased infant. Because my husband and I were so distraught when our baby died, relatives were kind enough to take care of the details surrounding her burial and, although we are grateful for this, had we been aware of the rules and regulations in your cemeteries, we would have looked elsewhere to have her buried.
We did not know that, in addition to a stone, we would have to pay for a concrete slab as well. This presents an issue for us as this makes getting our child a stone financially impossible. While $350.00 (min) may not seem like a big deal to you, it is to us and I am certain to many other people who have loved ones buried in your cemetery. I know that we are not the only people who are upset about this; at the same time we were learning about it (from Milano Co.) another woman was also hearing about it for the first time. She was elderly and, presumably, had buried her husband or child. She was so shocked and confused and, despite my own anger and pain, I felt bad for her. The sick thing is that people who have just lost a loved one are vulnerable and not thinking clearly. That, combined with the fact that, as Catholics, we must be buried in a Catholic cemetery, makes it all too easy for people like you to take advantage of people like us.
We also did not know that Easter decorations would be taken down so soon after Easter. While I heard today that there were signs posted, I never saw any. Furthermore, the Easter season officially does not end until Pentacost, which is still weeks away.
The Easter decorations we left for our child meant something to us; these things were not rubbish to be thrown away. Moreover, there were consecrated objects (a rosary that was a gift from our oldest child and two blessed palms) that were taken and, presumably, thrown away. This is sacrilege (CCC 2120). While my mother was at the cemetery hoping to get there in time to take our daughter's things down, other mourners were there and were equally as upset and angry as I am.
While I understand the need for cleanliness, hygiene and fire safety, I also feel that some of your rules and regulations go well beyond safety and any sort of rational thought. I have to wonder what sort of heartless person can think it is OK to remove personal objects from the grave of a baby- or the grave of anyone for that matter. I suppose it is all business to you.
I want you to know that, instead of shelling out an extra $350.00 for a concrete slab for a stone to rest on, the $350.00 will be put, instead, towards moving her out of your cemetery. I want you also to know that I will tell everyone I know not to bury their loved ones in any of your cemeteries. I furthermore want you to know that it is a terrible, terrible sin to take such advantage of people who believe they don't have any other choice (as Catholics)but to be buried in your cemetery.
A copy of this will also be sent to Bishop Lennon, who- as our bishop- should know that rosaries and palms are being thrown away by your staff at your command.
Losing a child has been the most painful thing that has ever happened to my husband and I; it is sad that our grief has only been maximized by your illogical, silly and absurd rules and regulations.
Sincerely,
Mrs.XXXXXXXXXXXXX
Please pray for all of the people who have been hurt by these rules and regulations!
Life Isn't Fair
I was fairly depressed this past Easter... I actually didn't go to Mass. I did not get out of bed until 3 or so and then did not feel like doing much of anything. It was dark by the time we got to the cemetery and it was also tough because the other kids were with us- which meant that we could not cry of express our pain. I hated going there; it makes me angry that we have to go to the cemetery to see her when we ought to have been giving her an Easter basket.
My faith has been tried over the past seven months but holidays tend to be especially difficult. I just don't get it.
At least once a week I hear a story about a child being either sickened or killed as a result of negligent parents; usually as a result of living in a meth lab or some other such thing. This past week, a woman finally spoke about how her child died years ago. The woman left her toddler unattended so that she could go to club; when she came back the child had been killed as a result of her climbing on a bookshelf that fell on top of her. A week later, the woman threw the child in the trash. She would have gotten away with it except for an X- boyfriend who reported what had happened to the police... Last week, a child died as a result of inhaling toxic fumes while living in the meth lab also inhabited by his mother, her boyfriend (not the baby's father) and a friend.
When I go to the cemetery and see the huge children's section, I have to ask "Why, Lord?" All of the parents of these babies are heart broken with a wound that will never truly heal and then there are parents out there who just don't care and God gives them children who will have to suffer because their parents aren't able to really be parents. It makes no sense!
While Barbara was in the NICU there were so many parents of healthier babies who rarely- if ever- visited. Many parents (mothers included) smoked like chimneys right outside the hospital doors... The parents of one baby who was going to be fine were allowed to sleep next to their child decided not to do so because the couch and chair they had been given were too uncomfortable.
I suppose I feel like I am being punished. I know that I have done some sinful things and did not always live how I ought to have been living; I know this. Sometimes I think I am being punished for my past. At other times I wonder why I am being punished and when it will be enough. They say that God does not give us more than we can handle but I am starting to wonder about that.
It follows, then, that if I feel as if I am being punished, I have to wonder why other people who seem like they could care less about their children get to keep them. This is why it all seems to unfair.
My mother used to say that life isn't fair. That was her reply to every problem I has as a child. I used to get so angry with her because, when I wanted sympathy, I got that. Now, I think that it has roughened me up enough so that I expect things to be unfair- not that it doesn't hurt, still... but I think it hurts much less.
There is a reason for this, people tell me, that only God knows. I pray every night that God will at least give me a sense of warmth when it comes to the death of my child- not that He will tell me His reason- but only that my heart may feel at peace enough to know that there is really a reason and that she is really with Him.
I am still very lonely. It is lonely to be the mother of a dead baby.
My faith has been tried over the past seven months but holidays tend to be especially difficult. I just don't get it.
At least once a week I hear a story about a child being either sickened or killed as a result of negligent parents; usually as a result of living in a meth lab or some other such thing. This past week, a woman finally spoke about how her child died years ago. The woman left her toddler unattended so that she could go to club; when she came back the child had been killed as a result of her climbing on a bookshelf that fell on top of her. A week later, the woman threw the child in the trash. She would have gotten away with it except for an X- boyfriend who reported what had happened to the police... Last week, a child died as a result of inhaling toxic fumes while living in the meth lab also inhabited by his mother, her boyfriend (not the baby's father) and a friend.
When I go to the cemetery and see the huge children's section, I have to ask "Why, Lord?" All of the parents of these babies are heart broken with a wound that will never truly heal and then there are parents out there who just don't care and God gives them children who will have to suffer because their parents aren't able to really be parents. It makes no sense!
While Barbara was in the NICU there were so many parents of healthier babies who rarely- if ever- visited. Many parents (mothers included) smoked like chimneys right outside the hospital doors... The parents of one baby who was going to be fine were allowed to sleep next to their child decided not to do so because the couch and chair they had been given were too uncomfortable.
I suppose I feel like I am being punished. I know that I have done some sinful things and did not always live how I ought to have been living; I know this. Sometimes I think I am being punished for my past. At other times I wonder why I am being punished and when it will be enough. They say that God does not give us more than we can handle but I am starting to wonder about that.
It follows, then, that if I feel as if I am being punished, I have to wonder why other people who seem like they could care less about their children get to keep them. This is why it all seems to unfair.
My mother used to say that life isn't fair. That was her reply to every problem I has as a child. I used to get so angry with her because, when I wanted sympathy, I got that. Now, I think that it has roughened me up enough so that I expect things to be unfair- not that it doesn't hurt, still... but I think it hurts much less.
There is a reason for this, people tell me, that only God knows. I pray every night that God will at least give me a sense of warmth when it comes to the death of my child- not that He will tell me His reason- but only that my heart may feel at peace enough to know that there is really a reason and that she is really with Him.
I am still very lonely. It is lonely to be the mother of a dead baby.
Tuesday, April 3, 2012
Palm Sunday and feeling very Forsaken
Last Sunday was Palm Sunday; the beginning of Holy Week.
While I am usually moved to tears during Mass, I actually found myself sobbing last Sunday as a result of the responsorial hymn being "My God, Why have you forsaken me" because this is how I have so often felt these past 6 months. i have felt truly abandoned at times- not just by God but pretty much by anyone else I love and with whom I have been close.
Ironically, a little passage in our bulletin (yes, I read the bulletin!) spoke to the fact that everyone suffers but that people should never have to suffer alone; family members should offer support to other family members who are suffering. Supporting suffering family members was suggested as a proper Holy Week activity and goal.
While this is right and is a step in the right direction, even my 9 year -old knows that she should always strive to comfort others- anyone- who suffers or is ill. She knows this as a "Corporal Work of Mercy". Again, she knows this and she is only 9.
When my baby was in the NICU, six family members came to visit and six friends also came to visit. Now, I come from a HUGE family: ten aunts and uncles and at least 20- some cousins who live within driving range of the hospital. While my brother and sister- in- law visited my child, my own sister did not.
Since my child has died, neither sibling bothered to call or visit until after my mother said something to them (still, only my sister called); this was three months after the fact. One uncle visited and dropped off a meal for us. One Aunt has called twice. Two Aunts and one cousin came to a Mass held in her honor and one cousin has contacted me via email and instant message.
No one visits her grave at the cemetery. When flowers are left for my grandfather (the next grave over) no one bothered to leave any for my Barbara until last week.
My mother claims that very few family members have called or visited because they don't know what to say. When she it told that someone actually left a flower at Barbara's grave, she acted like it was really something extra- extravagant rather than something family members should simply do.
Does anyone know what to say in situations like this? Also, a few good friends have been a great comfort to me without saying anything at all. The point is not to say something witty or earth- shattering because nothing anyone can say can bring someone back from the dead but rather to let someone know that you care, that you are thinking of them and praying for them. The point is to sit with someone and just let them know that you are with them and that they are not alone. The point is to be there to listen and hug... Taking up some space next to me, hugging me and listening to me does not have anything to do with saying anything.
Not knowing what to say is a poor excuse.
I feel hurt, angry and disappointed on top of every other bad thing I am feeling. Supposedly, God shows His love for us through others but, when it comes to my family, I have to wonder whether or not God really loves me.
The past six months would have been much easier if my family had been behind me. It is amazing how one tiny act of kindness could have made things so much brighter. I have lost a lot of faith in people as a result of how my family has behaved and I am just not sure I can get it back. If your family won't come through for you, then who will?
This is just one way in which I have felt forsaken.
I know that God is there and I know that He never abandons any of us. I also know that even Jesus felt forsaken as he was drawing His last few breaths on the Cross. I know, then, that my feeling of being forsaken is not so unusual...
I wonder if it is like this for every mom who has lost a child. Does everyone never know what to say?
I don't know who- if anyone reads this. I hope that other people are having a better time and receiving more love and support than I am. I also hope that those of you who are reading this and know someone who is in my place will be moved enough by my blog to support someone who is grieving even if there is some confusion over what should or should not be said. Believe me- you don't have to say anything at all except for that you love the person who is grieving and that you are there for them. One small but kind gesture will mean the world to someone in pain- trust me!
The thing is that Our Lord did not command us to love one another during Holy Week; instead He did not put any such limits on the love we must all have for each other. If my 9 year- old know this, why can't people who are two, three and four times her age grasp this simple and yet (apparently) foreign concept?
We must always remember that it is not a choice; to love each other is not a choice. It is a COMMAND in Holy Week and beyond.
" Thou shalt love thy neighbor as thyself." St. Matthew 22: 39
While I am usually moved to tears during Mass, I actually found myself sobbing last Sunday as a result of the responsorial hymn being "My God, Why have you forsaken me" because this is how I have so often felt these past 6 months. i have felt truly abandoned at times- not just by God but pretty much by anyone else I love and with whom I have been close.
Ironically, a little passage in our bulletin (yes, I read the bulletin!) spoke to the fact that everyone suffers but that people should never have to suffer alone; family members should offer support to other family members who are suffering. Supporting suffering family members was suggested as a proper Holy Week activity and goal.
While this is right and is a step in the right direction, even my 9 year -old knows that she should always strive to comfort others- anyone- who suffers or is ill. She knows this as a "Corporal Work of Mercy". Again, she knows this and she is only 9.
When my baby was in the NICU, six family members came to visit and six friends also came to visit. Now, I come from a HUGE family: ten aunts and uncles and at least 20- some cousins who live within driving range of the hospital. While my brother and sister- in- law visited my child, my own sister did not.
Since my child has died, neither sibling bothered to call or visit until after my mother said something to them (still, only my sister called); this was three months after the fact. One uncle visited and dropped off a meal for us. One Aunt has called twice. Two Aunts and one cousin came to a Mass held in her honor and one cousin has contacted me via email and instant message.
No one visits her grave at the cemetery. When flowers are left for my grandfather (the next grave over) no one bothered to leave any for my Barbara until last week.
My mother claims that very few family members have called or visited because they don't know what to say. When she it told that someone actually left a flower at Barbara's grave, she acted like it was really something extra- extravagant rather than something family members should simply do.
Does anyone know what to say in situations like this? Also, a few good friends have been a great comfort to me without saying anything at all. The point is not to say something witty or earth- shattering because nothing anyone can say can bring someone back from the dead but rather to let someone know that you care, that you are thinking of them and praying for them. The point is to sit with someone and just let them know that you are with them and that they are not alone. The point is to be there to listen and hug... Taking up some space next to me, hugging me and listening to me does not have anything to do with saying anything.
Not knowing what to say is a poor excuse.
I feel hurt, angry and disappointed on top of every other bad thing I am feeling. Supposedly, God shows His love for us through others but, when it comes to my family, I have to wonder whether or not God really loves me.
The past six months would have been much easier if my family had been behind me. It is amazing how one tiny act of kindness could have made things so much brighter. I have lost a lot of faith in people as a result of how my family has behaved and I am just not sure I can get it back. If your family won't come through for you, then who will?
This is just one way in which I have felt forsaken.
I know that God is there and I know that He never abandons any of us. I also know that even Jesus felt forsaken as he was drawing His last few breaths on the Cross. I know, then, that my feeling of being forsaken is not so unusual...
I wonder if it is like this for every mom who has lost a child. Does everyone never know what to say?
I don't know who- if anyone reads this. I hope that other people are having a better time and receiving more love and support than I am. I also hope that those of you who are reading this and know someone who is in my place will be moved enough by my blog to support someone who is grieving even if there is some confusion over what should or should not be said. Believe me- you don't have to say anything at all except for that you love the person who is grieving and that you are there for them. One small but kind gesture will mean the world to someone in pain- trust me!
The thing is that Our Lord did not command us to love one another during Holy Week; instead He did not put any such limits on the love we must all have for each other. If my 9 year- old know this, why can't people who are two, three and four times her age grasp this simple and yet (apparently) foreign concept?
We must always remember that it is not a choice; to love each other is not a choice. It is a COMMAND in Holy Week and beyond.
" Thou shalt love thy neighbor as thyself." St. Matthew 22: 39
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