So, I tried the stone... it worked wonderfully!
There was lots of good oven spring (rising in the oven) and the loaf turned out a lovely dark gold color and the slash marks expanded beautifully. I used a broiler pan for steam as suggested in the recipe that came with the stone; this was a great idea as I used to use a cast iron skillet that didn't always work so well.
I have to say that I am very pleased with my Emile Henry Flame Stone. I can't wait to use it to poach salmon!
One thing I forgot was that a peel would have come in handy... I didn't think of needing a way to get the risen bread on the stone until it was time to do so... by then, the best option was to use a well- floured, upside- down cookie sheet... Because I am kind of clumbsey, it didn't work out as smoothly as I would have liked but it did work out in the end. So, if you are going to get a stone- get a peel as well!
Wednesday, October 24, 2012
Tuesday, October 23, 2012
A New Gadget
I thought I'd reserve Friday for gadgets but I have a new gadget that I am trying out today for the first time- which is very exicitng.
Today I am going to use my Emile Henry Flame Baking Stone. My husband kept telling me that he would order me a baking stone but, since this has not happened, I decided to take advantage of finding one at a local store (and using a 20% off coupon).
I am making "Broom Bread" from Peter Reinhart's Whole Grain Breads...
So far I know very little about my new gadget... I know that it can be used on a grill as well as in the oven which makes it a multi- tasker (a must!). I know that I saved $15.00 with my coupon and that it was the only one left at the store.
More on bread and baking later when I have more to report on the new gadget!
Today I am going to use my Emile Henry Flame Baking Stone. My husband kept telling me that he would order me a baking stone but, since this has not happened, I decided to take advantage of finding one at a local store (and using a 20% off coupon).
I am making "Broom Bread" from Peter Reinhart's Whole Grain Breads...
So far I know very little about my new gadget... I know that it can be used on a grill as well as in the oven which makes it a multi- tasker (a must!). I know that I saved $15.00 with my coupon and that it was the only one left at the store.
More on bread and baking later when I have more to report on the new gadget!
Friday, October 19, 2012
Hypothyroid and Pregnancy
I want to say- first off- that I still fel badly burned by the Dr. Amy incident and being open and honest on this blog has become an issue for me. I am still not sure if I will keep it or delete it; I am just going day by day- like I have been doing over the past year.
On the one hand, I am always concerned that what I write will be twisted and exploited to fit some cause with which I do not agree and this makes it very hard to be open and trusting. My heart is really not in it, anymore.
On the other hand, if I can make just one mother feel better and feel less alone and less of a freak then it will all be worth it. At this point, though, I don't know if anyone, other than fans of Dr. Amy have red my blog and therefore I feel as if I haven't helped anyone except Dr. Amy (which as never my intention). So, I am just not sure if it is worth it anymore.
But, here I am.
I am thankful that I was FINALLY formally diagnosed with a Hashimoto's Thyroiditus last Summer but I have to say that being diagnosed doesn't make the symptoms go away and niether does it take away the sting felt every time I think about the fact that I had this during my last pregnancy and it never got treated.
I want to say, first off, that I like to be a healthy, active person. I don't like taking medicine and I don't like being sick or weak. I am very much into preventative medicine and believe that most diseases can be prevented as long as one eats well, exercises and abstains from harmful, sinful and destructive behavior. I have also always been a very thin person my whole life and so, once I started gaining weight despite an impeccable diet and exercise I began to grow concerned. I also could not lose any baby weight although I was about 5 months postpartum.
Along with the weight gain, I began to feel very tired- I had never felt this way before and it was very distressing. I also began experiencing occular migraines three or four times a day. I lost my appetite and, in general, just felt bad.
Eventually, I went to my doctor who offered to prescribe anti- depressants. I told him that I was not depressed and that was that. So, I just thought I must be crazy and tried to just get over it. But I never did and things only got worse.
My mood became erratic and I was often vert irrational. My husband no longer recognized me and could not understand what was going on. Again, I went to the doctor and was told that I had to eat better and exercise more. I told him that I was vegetarian, only ate whole- grains, baked my own bread and walkd 5 miles a day but, apparently it wasn't good enough.
I joined Weight Watchers and found that I could not eat enough to get enough points.... I became obsessed about what I put into my body and I exercised constantly but nothing got better.
Then I became pregnant after months of trying (a first) and things really went downhill. I could not even get out of bed. I hated myself for being so lazy and became very depressed. I went to the doctor who ran some blood work but I never heard back from him. I tried to access my records online but, due to a clerical error, I could not access my records. I saw him several times, though, and he never said anything. So began my own, personal thyroid hell.
All I could do was sleep. I couldn't think. I couldn't cook or bake. I couldn't sew. I couldn't read. I couldn't do anything. I didn't want to eat anything. My hair was so dry that I could only wash it every one or two weeks. My skin was dry and flaking all over the place. There are parts of the pregnancy that I can't remember; it is like I blacked out for parts of it. My husband did not recognize me; my friends did not recognize me. My waking temperature was around 96. 8-9* but rarely above 97*. During the day my temperature did not get above 98*.
Then Barbara was born...
A month and a half after she died, I finally got access to my medical records so began what was to become the most redicuous and terrible 9 months of my life.
You see, no one can agree on recommended ranges for any thyroid hormone or for TSH. Moreover, some docs only look at the TSH and nothing else. Others look at TSH and FT4 but refuse to believe in "subclinical hypothyroidism." So, many people- mostly women- are not being diagnosed and/ or treated for low- thyroid function and, of these women, by the time they are diagnosed and thus treated, most will already be dealing with a severe thyroid problem that warrants more than just taking a pill.
Like me, I have a nodule on my thyroid now that will have to be removed and tested for cancer. I didn't have that nodule last year... I may not have ever had it had I been diagnosed and treated properly. I also have to be on a very large dose of Synthroid whereas, if I had been diagnosed and treated properly from the begining, I may not have required such a large dose. Not that the Synthroid really works, anyhow, but that is the making of another post...
At least I am on something, though. At least the bare minimum is being done for this baby which is more than was done for Barbara.
Why is it so important to monitor thyroid activity during pregnancy? Well, first off, because thyroid problems often manifest in women either during pregnancy or postpartum due to fluctuating hormones and stress put on the thyroid in general during pregnancy. The thyroid is especially stressed during the first trimester when it must not only function for mom but also provide thyroid hormones for baby as well, who can not make his/ her own yet.
In general, having a sluggish thyroid can cause blood sugar issues, weight issues, cholesterol issues and can supress the immune system. These issues would create problems for anyone but expecially for the pregnant woman. In general, having a sluggish thyroid can make a person feel... well...awful.
There is not much known about the thyroid in general, though, because it has only been seriously studied by main- stream medical people for abouty 10- 15 years- most likely because women are the main victims of thyroid disorders. (Side note: I have no doubt that if the thyroid affected the a woman's breast breast size or a man's ability to achieve full erection, we'd have a plethora of information about it but, as it is...) Also, blood tests to detect blood serum levels of thyroid hormones T3 and T4 are a rather recent innovation and thus it has only recently become understood that more than TSH indicates thyroid function (or dysfunction). Last but not least, thyroid problems are becoming more common. In my own life, my best friend has Hashimoto's and so do several other women I know. Some people are describing thyroid problems as "epidemic" although I don't know if I'd go that far... I guess medical people are now thinking that it may be a good time to start learning more about the thyroid and how it works or why it doesn't work.
While there is no much known about the thyroid in general, there is very little known about the thyroid and pregnancy. What IS known is that it can cause infertility issues, miscarriage and lower IQ in children under 5. It is thought, however, that, in severe cases, maternal thyroid problems can cause fetal malformations depending on how bad the thyroid condition is and at what stage of fetal development the problem exists. Due to the fact that mom's immune system is already not working up to par during pregancy, it also makes sense that a sluggish thyroid would only make things worse... Also, since hypothyroidism causes weight gain/ obesity, it further puts mom at risk for a comlicated labor and infections such as GBS. In any case, it is no laughing matter.
Now, I don't rely on doctors to tell me whether or not my thyroid is functioning properly. While I need them to order the bloodwork and prescribe the medication, I don't need them to interpret my results. Never again will I allow a doctor to decide whether or not I am healthy... This is the biggest lesson I have learned as a result of losing Barbara.
I read as much as I can- I read blogs, journal articles, web sites, books, etc. I come prepared when I visit any doctor and have information in hand. I look over my own blood work- ALL of it. This time, for example, iron- definciency anemia was over looked by my OB but showed up on lowly Tallquist papers.
I would highly recommend that any pregnant woman learn about thyroid problems and go over her bloodwork herself. I truly believe that my thyroid problem contributed to the illness and death of Barbara and, if I had it to do all over again, I'd be hyper- vigilant about my thyroid. Please learn from me!
For women who are trying to get pregnant, GET YOUR THYROID TESTED! Before subjecting yourself to invasive procedures like an HSG, etc, get the thyroid tested! Thyroid problems can cause infertility issues and issues that contribute to infertility (make sense?).
For more information, please see Stop the Thyroid Madness.
God Bless!
On the one hand, I am always concerned that what I write will be twisted and exploited to fit some cause with which I do not agree and this makes it very hard to be open and trusting. My heart is really not in it, anymore.
On the other hand, if I can make just one mother feel better and feel less alone and less of a freak then it will all be worth it. At this point, though, I don't know if anyone, other than fans of Dr. Amy have red my blog and therefore I feel as if I haven't helped anyone except Dr. Amy (which as never my intention). So, I am just not sure if it is worth it anymore.
But, here I am.
I am thankful that I was FINALLY formally diagnosed with a Hashimoto's Thyroiditus last Summer but I have to say that being diagnosed doesn't make the symptoms go away and niether does it take away the sting felt every time I think about the fact that I had this during my last pregnancy and it never got treated.
I want to say, first off, that I like to be a healthy, active person. I don't like taking medicine and I don't like being sick or weak. I am very much into preventative medicine and believe that most diseases can be prevented as long as one eats well, exercises and abstains from harmful, sinful and destructive behavior. I have also always been a very thin person my whole life and so, once I started gaining weight despite an impeccable diet and exercise I began to grow concerned. I also could not lose any baby weight although I was about 5 months postpartum.
Along with the weight gain, I began to feel very tired- I had never felt this way before and it was very distressing. I also began experiencing occular migraines three or four times a day. I lost my appetite and, in general, just felt bad.
Eventually, I went to my doctor who offered to prescribe anti- depressants. I told him that I was not depressed and that was that. So, I just thought I must be crazy and tried to just get over it. But I never did and things only got worse.
My mood became erratic and I was often vert irrational. My husband no longer recognized me and could not understand what was going on. Again, I went to the doctor and was told that I had to eat better and exercise more. I told him that I was vegetarian, only ate whole- grains, baked my own bread and walkd 5 miles a day but, apparently it wasn't good enough.
I joined Weight Watchers and found that I could not eat enough to get enough points.... I became obsessed about what I put into my body and I exercised constantly but nothing got better.
Then I became pregnant after months of trying (a first) and things really went downhill. I could not even get out of bed. I hated myself for being so lazy and became very depressed. I went to the doctor who ran some blood work but I never heard back from him. I tried to access my records online but, due to a clerical error, I could not access my records. I saw him several times, though, and he never said anything. So began my own, personal thyroid hell.
All I could do was sleep. I couldn't think. I couldn't cook or bake. I couldn't sew. I couldn't read. I couldn't do anything. I didn't want to eat anything. My hair was so dry that I could only wash it every one or two weeks. My skin was dry and flaking all over the place. There are parts of the pregnancy that I can't remember; it is like I blacked out for parts of it. My husband did not recognize me; my friends did not recognize me. My waking temperature was around 96. 8-9* but rarely above 97*. During the day my temperature did not get above 98*.
Then Barbara was born...
A month and a half after she died, I finally got access to my medical records so began what was to become the most redicuous and terrible 9 months of my life.
You see, no one can agree on recommended ranges for any thyroid hormone or for TSH. Moreover, some docs only look at the TSH and nothing else. Others look at TSH and FT4 but refuse to believe in "subclinical hypothyroidism." So, many people- mostly women- are not being diagnosed and/ or treated for low- thyroid function and, of these women, by the time they are diagnosed and thus treated, most will already be dealing with a severe thyroid problem that warrants more than just taking a pill.
Like me, I have a nodule on my thyroid now that will have to be removed and tested for cancer. I didn't have that nodule last year... I may not have ever had it had I been diagnosed and treated properly. I also have to be on a very large dose of Synthroid whereas, if I had been diagnosed and treated properly from the begining, I may not have required such a large dose. Not that the Synthroid really works, anyhow, but that is the making of another post...
At least I am on something, though. At least the bare minimum is being done for this baby which is more than was done for Barbara.
Why is it so important to monitor thyroid activity during pregnancy? Well, first off, because thyroid problems often manifest in women either during pregnancy or postpartum due to fluctuating hormones and stress put on the thyroid in general during pregnancy. The thyroid is especially stressed during the first trimester when it must not only function for mom but also provide thyroid hormones for baby as well, who can not make his/ her own yet.
In general, having a sluggish thyroid can cause blood sugar issues, weight issues, cholesterol issues and can supress the immune system. These issues would create problems for anyone but expecially for the pregnant woman. In general, having a sluggish thyroid can make a person feel... well...awful.
There is not much known about the thyroid in general, though, because it has only been seriously studied by main- stream medical people for abouty 10- 15 years- most likely because women are the main victims of thyroid disorders. (Side note: I have no doubt that if the thyroid affected the a woman's breast breast size or a man's ability to achieve full erection, we'd have a plethora of information about it but, as it is...) Also, blood tests to detect blood serum levels of thyroid hormones T3 and T4 are a rather recent innovation and thus it has only recently become understood that more than TSH indicates thyroid function (or dysfunction). Last but not least, thyroid problems are becoming more common. In my own life, my best friend has Hashimoto's and so do several other women I know. Some people are describing thyroid problems as "epidemic" although I don't know if I'd go that far... I guess medical people are now thinking that it may be a good time to start learning more about the thyroid and how it works or why it doesn't work.
While there is no much known about the thyroid in general, there is very little known about the thyroid and pregnancy. What IS known is that it can cause infertility issues, miscarriage and lower IQ in children under 5. It is thought, however, that, in severe cases, maternal thyroid problems can cause fetal malformations depending on how bad the thyroid condition is and at what stage of fetal development the problem exists. Due to the fact that mom's immune system is already not working up to par during pregancy, it also makes sense that a sluggish thyroid would only make things worse... Also, since hypothyroidism causes weight gain/ obesity, it further puts mom at risk for a comlicated labor and infections such as GBS. In any case, it is no laughing matter.
Now, I don't rely on doctors to tell me whether or not my thyroid is functioning properly. While I need them to order the bloodwork and prescribe the medication, I don't need them to interpret my results. Never again will I allow a doctor to decide whether or not I am healthy... This is the biggest lesson I have learned as a result of losing Barbara.
I read as much as I can- I read blogs, journal articles, web sites, books, etc. I come prepared when I visit any doctor and have information in hand. I look over my own blood work- ALL of it. This time, for example, iron- definciency anemia was over looked by my OB but showed up on lowly Tallquist papers.
I would highly recommend that any pregnant woman learn about thyroid problems and go over her bloodwork herself. I truly believe that my thyroid problem contributed to the illness and death of Barbara and, if I had it to do all over again, I'd be hyper- vigilant about my thyroid. Please learn from me!
For women who are trying to get pregnant, GET YOUR THYROID TESTED! Before subjecting yourself to invasive procedures like an HSG, etc, get the thyroid tested! Thyroid problems can cause infertility issues and issues that contribute to infertility (make sense?).
For more information, please see Stop the Thyroid Madness.
God Bless!
Dinner and Gadgets- The Stick Blender
I am sorry to say that I have not made any good dinners this week except for Monday, when I made poached salmon, millet, broccoli and spaghetti squash. Other than that, I have made nothing at all since we did not go shopping last weekend. I am planning on baking some banana- seed muffins and whole wheat sugar and spritz cookies over the weekend, though.
One thing that I notice every time I turn on the TV is that there are lots of gadgets for sale. Also, if one is into cooking, one can't help but feat over the myriad of "helpful" gadgets available that the home cook absolutely "needs".
If one has money enough to buy these gadgets- great! But for those of us of modest means (ie. poor) or those of us who are trying to live simply (by choice or chance), the fact that we can't have everything we "need" can be upsetting.
I have a few gadgets; I have accumulated them over the past 10 years or so. Some have been truly useful while most have not served any great purpose for any significant length of time. I think I'd like to blog about some of the gadgets I have in order to help others who are thinking about getting some of these gadgets.
The kitchen gadget that has been the most useful is the Stick Blender. I now own a Cuisinart stick blender that is OK but I think that the Kitchen- Aid I used to have worked much better- until it literally sparked a few times and then died in my hands (scary!).
I make lots of soups and I like to make apple sauce and apple butter for canning. The stick blender can also make baby food, smoothies and shakes in a flash. I find that it is much easier to use a stick blender for pureeing than it is to use a blender or food processor and puree in batches. Clean up is quick and easy- which is an added bonus.
The Kitchen- Aid blender had variable speeds/ strengths and I could use it even when I had a small amount of something to puree because the blade was lower and thus could get closer to the bottom of whatever it was I was pureeing. It did the job perfectly and there was never any pieces of anything left after I pureed. However, I am still afraid to get another Kitchen- Aid model because it really was very scary when it began to spark like crazy while I was using it...
My Cuisinart Model has not sparked and died as of yet but it just doesn't do as good of a job as my Kitchen- Aid did. It seems like it takes forever to puree anything and often there are lots of tiny pieces left over. It also has only one speed and the blade is higher up than the Kitchen- Aid, making it difficult to puree small amounts of things. Still, it is the gadget I use the most in the kitchen and it has been well- worth the cost.
So, if you are looking for a useful gadget that will be well- worth the expense, a stick blender may be the right gadget for you. They are not very expensive considering how usefull they are...
One thing that I notice every time I turn on the TV is that there are lots of gadgets for sale. Also, if one is into cooking, one can't help but feat over the myriad of "helpful" gadgets available that the home cook absolutely "needs".
If one has money enough to buy these gadgets- great! But for those of us of modest means (ie. poor) or those of us who are trying to live simply (by choice or chance), the fact that we can't have everything we "need" can be upsetting.
I have a few gadgets; I have accumulated them over the past 10 years or so. Some have been truly useful while most have not served any great purpose for any significant length of time. I think I'd like to blog about some of the gadgets I have in order to help others who are thinking about getting some of these gadgets.
The kitchen gadget that has been the most useful is the Stick Blender. I now own a Cuisinart stick blender that is OK but I think that the Kitchen- Aid I used to have worked much better- until it literally sparked a few times and then died in my hands (scary!).
I make lots of soups and I like to make apple sauce and apple butter for canning. The stick blender can also make baby food, smoothies and shakes in a flash. I find that it is much easier to use a stick blender for pureeing than it is to use a blender or food processor and puree in batches. Clean up is quick and easy- which is an added bonus.
The Kitchen- Aid blender had variable speeds/ strengths and I could use it even when I had a small amount of something to puree because the blade was lower and thus could get closer to the bottom of whatever it was I was pureeing. It did the job perfectly and there was never any pieces of anything left after I pureed. However, I am still afraid to get another Kitchen- Aid model because it really was very scary when it began to spark like crazy while I was using it...
My Cuisinart Model has not sparked and died as of yet but it just doesn't do as good of a job as my Kitchen- Aid did. It seems like it takes forever to puree anything and often there are lots of tiny pieces left over. It also has only one speed and the blade is higher up than the Kitchen- Aid, making it difficult to puree small amounts of things. Still, it is the gadget I use the most in the kitchen and it has been well- worth the cost.
So, if you are looking for a useful gadget that will be well- worth the expense, a stick blender may be the right gadget for you. They are not very expensive considering how usefull they are...
Tuesday, October 9, 2012
Dinner- Cooking as part of my Vocation
My mom and dad divorced when I was 8. Before that, my father lived in another city (where there was work) and we only ever saw him on holidays and weekends. When he did come home, though, he cooked everything and anything and I always looked forward to his meals. For him, cooking was an art form- something to be enjoyed. He made waffles, pancakes, roasted corn soup and could grill anything. I remember him even making liver and tongue once... I remember not wanting to eat it but, in the end, thinking that it really wasn't so bad.
My mom hated to cook. She was also very busy and very miserable because she had to work all day and then come home to three unruly kids. While we were used to my dad not living at home, after the divorce we had to deal with the fact that we would rarely ever get to have dad cook for us. Oh- how we suffered! My mom's idea of homemade was Wyler's Soup Starter with chilcken that was too tough to chew (it was like gum), Campbell's Soup, Tater Tots, hotdogs (on a good day- hotdogs with cheese) and an iceberg lettuce salad. She tried, though. On Sundays she'd make pot roast or cheesy- chicken casserole... some people looked forward to Sunday dinner whereas we did not!
We had to eat, though, and she had to feed us. She was stressed out, lacked time and hated cooking... all these things combined made her a fairly terrible cook. But, in the end, our bellies were full and for this I am truly grateful.
I stay at home with my kids and so things like cooking are just part of my "job". I also love cooking. I never looked at cooking for my kids as merely making something to just fill their bellies- the food I make is comforting and nourishing and also an expression of love. I put my heart into what I cook. While I prepare my meals, I ask God to bless all who will eat the food and I always put 100% of myself into cooking and meal planning. Cooking is just one aspect of my vocation- the vocation of being a mom- and I mean to do it well- always- for my family and for God. Not only does it give me pleasure to please my family but also to do things to the best of my ability in order to please God.
I make a grocery list and shop according to the list- this saves money and means less waste. I try to buy organinc and, if I stick with my list and buy only raw foods, I find that this is entirely possible. I don't buy cookies, boxed foods, etc. and I only buy meat for two meals a week and fish for one. I buy veggies and grains, mainly.
I also like to cook in bulk so that I can freeze left- overs for a busy day or for a day when I just don't feel like cooking. I think about what my kids like, if one of them is sick and what the weather is like.
I have also become good friends with my crock pot, which has been very helpful.
So, as I am smelling dinner cooking in the crock pot, I feel motivated to write a bit about dinner. Maybe someone will read my entries and want a recipe... I don't know. Maybe the sound of what I make will move others to cook and learn to love to cook.
So, tonight I am making: Creamy Hummus Soup, roasted red- skinned potatoes, zucchini and yellow squash with brown rice pilaf, frenched green beans with almonds with a tomato and greens salad (and carrot sticks, of course).
Last night, I made whole- wheat spaetzel with carmelized onions and meat balls, frenched green beans with almonds and a tomato/ mozzerella salad and sweet potato (not with the salad).
My mom hated to cook. She was also very busy and very miserable because she had to work all day and then come home to three unruly kids. While we were used to my dad not living at home, after the divorce we had to deal with the fact that we would rarely ever get to have dad cook for us. Oh- how we suffered! My mom's idea of homemade was Wyler's Soup Starter with chilcken that was too tough to chew (it was like gum), Campbell's Soup, Tater Tots, hotdogs (on a good day- hotdogs with cheese) and an iceberg lettuce salad. She tried, though. On Sundays she'd make pot roast or cheesy- chicken casserole... some people looked forward to Sunday dinner whereas we did not!
We had to eat, though, and she had to feed us. She was stressed out, lacked time and hated cooking... all these things combined made her a fairly terrible cook. But, in the end, our bellies were full and for this I am truly grateful.
I stay at home with my kids and so things like cooking are just part of my "job". I also love cooking. I never looked at cooking for my kids as merely making something to just fill their bellies- the food I make is comforting and nourishing and also an expression of love. I put my heart into what I cook. While I prepare my meals, I ask God to bless all who will eat the food and I always put 100% of myself into cooking and meal planning. Cooking is just one aspect of my vocation- the vocation of being a mom- and I mean to do it well- always- for my family and for God. Not only does it give me pleasure to please my family but also to do things to the best of my ability in order to please God.
I make a grocery list and shop according to the list- this saves money and means less waste. I try to buy organinc and, if I stick with my list and buy only raw foods, I find that this is entirely possible. I don't buy cookies, boxed foods, etc. and I only buy meat for two meals a week and fish for one. I buy veggies and grains, mainly.
I also like to cook in bulk so that I can freeze left- overs for a busy day or for a day when I just don't feel like cooking. I think about what my kids like, if one of them is sick and what the weather is like.
I have also become good friends with my crock pot, which has been very helpful.
So, as I am smelling dinner cooking in the crock pot, I feel motivated to write a bit about dinner. Maybe someone will read my entries and want a recipe... I don't know. Maybe the sound of what I make will move others to cook and learn to love to cook.
So, tonight I am making: Creamy Hummus Soup, roasted red- skinned potatoes, zucchini and yellow squash with brown rice pilaf, frenched green beans with almonds with a tomato and greens salad (and carrot sticks, of course).
Last night, I made whole- wheat spaetzel with carmelized onions and meat balls, frenched green beans with almonds and a tomato/ mozzerella salad and sweet potato (not with the salad).
Sewing Modest Clothes for Kids
Ahhh, the circus decending on my blog from the skeptical OB appears to be letting up and I can get back to the real business of this blog.
I learned to sew a few years ago when I could not find decent clothes for my girls to wear; I could not believe how rampant the sexualization of young people had become and, even if the world thought (thinks) it is OK, it is not OK according to sacred scripture and to the Church and it was not OK by me! Aside from the moral justifications, there is the fact that women and girls are people- not objects identified only by the fact that we can give sexual pleasure to men...
So, I got out my grandmother's 1970 Singer Stylist and began trying to sew. I still refer to this machine as "The Beast" because it could sew through ANYTHING and its motor was shot so there was absolutely no way to control the speed. For someone new to sewing, using it was somewhat frightening- it was loud, strong and impossible to control.
At first, I was terrible at sewing. I didn't know what "facings"were and so, at one point, I sewed them on the outside of a garment. I had a hard time figuring bias tape out and had no idea that different fabrics called for using different needles. I also did not know anything about "drape" or that certain fabrics are great for one thing but terrible for others. In short, the things I made- though made with love- were disasters! It was very frustrating.
Now, there are a good many tutorials online that are useful and very helpful.
As a result of my past failures, I have decided to pass on some advice to other moms who sew or are thinking about sewing for their children.
First off, for every- day wear, it is best to get the simplest patterns available. While it is tempting to take advantage of 99 cent pattern sales, I have found that, for the most part, these cheap and very cute patterns sit around and accumulate dust while other, more practical and easy- to- sew patterns are used. Remember, you are sewing an entire wardrobe- or most of the wardrobe- and may have more than one child for whom to sew. Pleats, tucks, ribbons, rick- rack and bows can be added to simple things to make them look more dressy and complex so you are not losing out by investing in patterns that are simple, practical and concise. Think EASY.
Buy patterns that are either multi- sized or buy the same pattern in different sizes for each child; that way you can easily sew the same pattern for different children at the same time. Cut all at once and sew all at once- become a one person assembly line. Sew the bodices at once, the sleeves in at once, etc. This will make things go much quicker.
Another advantage to buying multi- sized patterns is that you can get years of use out of one pattern- this will save time and money; time because you will know how to sew the pattern already and money because you won't have to get a new pattern as the child grows. This leads me to tracing. I buy nylon tracing paper at Jo- Ann (get it while it is on sale or when I have a coupon) in 20- yard increments that way I have plenty on hand at all times. It is sturdy and inexpensive when bought on sale. I trace the size I need thus preserving the pattern for future use. I store each traced size in sandwich bags for future use.
It is really wonderful to buy patterns printed on PAPER. While this may sound trivial, it really does save time and frustration. There is nothing like unfolding delicate tissue paper (and possibly having to iron it to get the kinks out), trying to find the pieces needed and then trying to fold it back up again (without killing it) for future use. This is really no fun and, at times, has caused me to procrastinate when it come to tracing. It is so easy to use paper patterns! Trust me!
When you are making clothes for kids, it is time consuming and so it is nice to be able to extend the wardrobe, so to speak, so that what you make will not get boring and can be made to seem as if you have made much more. Does this make sense? For example, I like to make dresses and aprons for my girls. The dress/ apron combos match and can be combined in many different combinations to make the outfit look new and exciting. I also make sure that everything I make matches so that everything can be combined. The same goes for blouses, vests and skirts (my kids are on a vest kick).
One thing to consider is that kids play. They play in trees and in the dirt and in the kitchen... So, things get dirty. This can be a problem when you make your own clothes and probably don't have three different outfits for each day of the week. Also, if you are like me or your kids are like mine, you don't/ can't use harsh laundry detergents to get out stains. So, in order to protect pretty dresses, I make aprons (smocks or "tool aprons for my boy) to go over them. Aprons are very quick and easy to make and so can be made in a jiffy. You can make five arpons for every one dress. Also, aprons can be made out of ugly or very cheap fabric because, after all, they serve a purpose and that purpose is to take a beating instead of the dress! Old fashion, maybe- but also very practical. Aprons are also good for older girls who are beginning to blossom; an apron or vest helps to retain modesty at a very awkward age.
I buy fabric when it is on sale and at no other time. I have found that, as the price of fabric increases, the quality tends to decrease... this makes me even less likely to pay full price for it. I go to the store with yardages in hand, that way I know what I need and get only that. This also ensures that I will not buy on impulse, which almost never ends well. I make sure I get buttons, zippers, thread, etc, as well because there is nothing much worse than nearly completing something only to find that I am lacking in the deal- closers, so to speak. I also like to have bias tape on hand as this is something that has held me back from finsishing things on several occasions. (You can make your own bias as well but I'll save that for a different post).
So, what patterns can I recommend? For every- day, practical, modest clothing, I recommend Candle on the Hill. Their garments are modest but don't look too Amish (not that there is anything wrong with Amish only I am not Amish). They are not complicated and easy to sew. The directions are concise and easy to understand and I can make up a nice dress in no time at all. Yet the garments are professional looking, neat and MODEST. Their patterns are printed on paper and are generously multi- sized. The company is owned by friendly Christian folk who are willing to answer questions via email. I have never had any reason to complain about their service- it is quick and friendly. I like all of their patterns but one pattern in particular I like is the culottes pattern; it is modest but still allows girls to run and play without being immodest. I highly recommend their patterns.
Friends Patterns is another option but I have found that the directions for sewing their clothes are very confusing and sewing the garments themselves can be frustrating. Also, they offer very few generously multi- sized patterns and sizing can be tricky. On the up- side, they print their patterns on paper and offer a sizable selection of modest clothing patterns.
If you can't sew but want reasonably priced, modest clothing, I recommend The King's Daughters- a company owned by the daughters of the Candle on the Hill folks. They offer a huge selection of ready- sewn, modest clothing at a very reasonable price; you can even send them your own fabric to use.
Sense and Sensibility Patterns offers patterns for beautiful period garments that are also printed on paper. While all of the children's patterns I bought have been modest, I have had to adapt the women's patterns at times to make them more modest. Most of their patterns are fairly easy to sew with some being more difficult than others. The difficulty level of individual patterns is usually described on the site, though. Some of these dresses, while not difficult to sew, take longer to sew than other patterns and thus are not always practical. However, it is always good to have one or two "Church Dresses" or " Party Dresses" and these patterns are just the thing! There are always hints when it comes to making things more dressy and the descriptions provided that describe the dress of the time (Edwardian, Regency, etc) are very interesting and educational. I made my daughter's First Communion dress from a Sense and Sensibility pattern and it was easy to sew and looked lovely. These patterns are also generously multi- sized and the owner is available to answer questions via email. There is a "show and tell" section of the site that is delightful to look at and great for getting ideas. The owner also offers online classes for some of her dresses. One pattern I highly recommend is the "Pinafore and Pantalettes" because it provides modesty in the summer (when girls are climbing trees, etc.) and warmth in the winter.
I learned to sew a few years ago when I could not find decent clothes for my girls to wear; I could not believe how rampant the sexualization of young people had become and, even if the world thought (thinks) it is OK, it is not OK according to sacred scripture and to the Church and it was not OK by me! Aside from the moral justifications, there is the fact that women and girls are people- not objects identified only by the fact that we can give sexual pleasure to men...
So, I got out my grandmother's 1970 Singer Stylist and began trying to sew. I still refer to this machine as "The Beast" because it could sew through ANYTHING and its motor was shot so there was absolutely no way to control the speed. For someone new to sewing, using it was somewhat frightening- it was loud, strong and impossible to control.
At first, I was terrible at sewing. I didn't know what "facings"were and so, at one point, I sewed them on the outside of a garment. I had a hard time figuring bias tape out and had no idea that different fabrics called for using different needles. I also did not know anything about "drape" or that certain fabrics are great for one thing but terrible for others. In short, the things I made- though made with love- were disasters! It was very frustrating.
Now, there are a good many tutorials online that are useful and very helpful.
As a result of my past failures, I have decided to pass on some advice to other moms who sew or are thinking about sewing for their children.
First off, for every- day wear, it is best to get the simplest patterns available. While it is tempting to take advantage of 99 cent pattern sales, I have found that, for the most part, these cheap and very cute patterns sit around and accumulate dust while other, more practical and easy- to- sew patterns are used. Remember, you are sewing an entire wardrobe- or most of the wardrobe- and may have more than one child for whom to sew. Pleats, tucks, ribbons, rick- rack and bows can be added to simple things to make them look more dressy and complex so you are not losing out by investing in patterns that are simple, practical and concise. Think EASY.
Buy patterns that are either multi- sized or buy the same pattern in different sizes for each child; that way you can easily sew the same pattern for different children at the same time. Cut all at once and sew all at once- become a one person assembly line. Sew the bodices at once, the sleeves in at once, etc. This will make things go much quicker.
Another advantage to buying multi- sized patterns is that you can get years of use out of one pattern- this will save time and money; time because you will know how to sew the pattern already and money because you won't have to get a new pattern as the child grows. This leads me to tracing. I buy nylon tracing paper at Jo- Ann (get it while it is on sale or when I have a coupon) in 20- yard increments that way I have plenty on hand at all times. It is sturdy and inexpensive when bought on sale. I trace the size I need thus preserving the pattern for future use. I store each traced size in sandwich bags for future use.
It is really wonderful to buy patterns printed on PAPER. While this may sound trivial, it really does save time and frustration. There is nothing like unfolding delicate tissue paper (and possibly having to iron it to get the kinks out), trying to find the pieces needed and then trying to fold it back up again (without killing it) for future use. This is really no fun and, at times, has caused me to procrastinate when it come to tracing. It is so easy to use paper patterns! Trust me!
When you are making clothes for kids, it is time consuming and so it is nice to be able to extend the wardrobe, so to speak, so that what you make will not get boring and can be made to seem as if you have made much more. Does this make sense? For example, I like to make dresses and aprons for my girls. The dress/ apron combos match and can be combined in many different combinations to make the outfit look new and exciting. I also make sure that everything I make matches so that everything can be combined. The same goes for blouses, vests and skirts (my kids are on a vest kick).
One thing to consider is that kids play. They play in trees and in the dirt and in the kitchen... So, things get dirty. This can be a problem when you make your own clothes and probably don't have three different outfits for each day of the week. Also, if you are like me or your kids are like mine, you don't/ can't use harsh laundry detergents to get out stains. So, in order to protect pretty dresses, I make aprons (smocks or "tool aprons for my boy) to go over them. Aprons are very quick and easy to make and so can be made in a jiffy. You can make five arpons for every one dress. Also, aprons can be made out of ugly or very cheap fabric because, after all, they serve a purpose and that purpose is to take a beating instead of the dress! Old fashion, maybe- but also very practical. Aprons are also good for older girls who are beginning to blossom; an apron or vest helps to retain modesty at a very awkward age.
I buy fabric when it is on sale and at no other time. I have found that, as the price of fabric increases, the quality tends to decrease... this makes me even less likely to pay full price for it. I go to the store with yardages in hand, that way I know what I need and get only that. This also ensures that I will not buy on impulse, which almost never ends well. I make sure I get buttons, zippers, thread, etc, as well because there is nothing much worse than nearly completing something only to find that I am lacking in the deal- closers, so to speak. I also like to have bias tape on hand as this is something that has held me back from finsishing things on several occasions. (You can make your own bias as well but I'll save that for a different post).
So, what patterns can I recommend? For every- day, practical, modest clothing, I recommend Candle on the Hill. Their garments are modest but don't look too Amish (not that there is anything wrong with Amish only I am not Amish). They are not complicated and easy to sew. The directions are concise and easy to understand and I can make up a nice dress in no time at all. Yet the garments are professional looking, neat and MODEST. Their patterns are printed on paper and are generously multi- sized. The company is owned by friendly Christian folk who are willing to answer questions via email. I have never had any reason to complain about their service- it is quick and friendly. I like all of their patterns but one pattern in particular I like is the culottes pattern; it is modest but still allows girls to run and play without being immodest. I highly recommend their patterns.
Friends Patterns is another option but I have found that the directions for sewing their clothes are very confusing and sewing the garments themselves can be frustrating. Also, they offer very few generously multi- sized patterns and sizing can be tricky. On the up- side, they print their patterns on paper and offer a sizable selection of modest clothing patterns.
If you can't sew but want reasonably priced, modest clothing, I recommend The King's Daughters- a company owned by the daughters of the Candle on the Hill folks. They offer a huge selection of ready- sewn, modest clothing at a very reasonable price; you can even send them your own fabric to use.
Sense and Sensibility Patterns offers patterns for beautiful period garments that are also printed on paper. While all of the children's patterns I bought have been modest, I have had to adapt the women's patterns at times to make them more modest. Most of their patterns are fairly easy to sew with some being more difficult than others. The difficulty level of individual patterns is usually described on the site, though. Some of these dresses, while not difficult to sew, take longer to sew than other patterns and thus are not always practical. However, it is always good to have one or two "Church Dresses" or " Party Dresses" and these patterns are just the thing! There are always hints when it comes to making things more dressy and the descriptions provided that describe the dress of the time (Edwardian, Regency, etc) are very interesting and educational. I made my daughter's First Communion dress from a Sense and Sensibility pattern and it was easy to sew and looked lovely. These patterns are also generously multi- sized and the owner is available to answer questions via email. There is a "show and tell" section of the site that is delightful to look at and great for getting ideas. The owner also offers online classes for some of her dresses. One pattern I highly recommend is the "Pinafore and Pantalettes" because it provides modesty in the summer (when girls are climbing trees, etc.) and warmth in the winter.
Monday, October 8, 2012
Flutters and Fear
Should I buy fabric for a baptismal gown? Should I put away fabric for a layette? As usual, the coming of Fall and coold weather has caught me off guard... my "front room" floor is clovered with fabric- all measured and folded- ready to be made into dresses for the girls and pants, shirts for the boy and vests for all three (for some reason, they all want vests).
In with the Winter fabric was some "baby" fabrics. This got me thinking. Amidst the flutters that reasssure me that there is life there, I still can't let myself believe that I will have a live baby to care for and dress. I almost ordered a pattern for a nursing shawl but, why bother?
After my last baby died, I woke up at home after living at the hospital for four weeks. Baby clothes were folded- ready for a baby who had died. The bassinet was ready for a baby that would never use it. The sling hung baby- ready and empty. No baby.
I remember wondering "what the heck happened?" We knew nothing. She was getting better. She was breathing on her own, responding to us, waking up. She wasn't supposed to die. We were in shock. I sat there beside her every day, talking to her, bathing her, clothing her, singing to her, reading to her, praying next to her and it made no difference. I fought with my entire being to save her- to argue on her behalf when everyone thought it was hopeless. I told everyone that only God knows when it is her time; we can't make that decision. I was happy to comply with God but not the NICU staff. They were not motivated by fact, figure, science or reason. I was a mother and I was a believer- I had my fact; the fact that God exists and only He can take anyone to Him.
We told the NICU staff that she had an infection. They didn't believe us until it was too late to save her. So, I sat by her when she was at her worst, then she got better and then she got bad again and I was there to see it all.
I don't want to go through that again. That was my second time in the NICU and I don't want to do it again. I know that there is no way to prevent this, I just have to trust in God but I have done this before and look where it got me!
As the baby moves more and more and it become more real to me that this is happening, I become more terrified. Praying won't ensure a good outcome... Nothing will. It is so painful to know that this baby may not live. It may die at any time.
I don't think I could live through another NICU stay. I don't think I could live with the death of another baby.
I think that, if I begin making things or making plans, I will be jumping ahead of myself and somehow I will be punished.
Fear is a terrible thing and it signifies a real mistrust in God. I am so sorry to feel this way...
In with the Winter fabric was some "baby" fabrics. This got me thinking. Amidst the flutters that reasssure me that there is life there, I still can't let myself believe that I will have a live baby to care for and dress. I almost ordered a pattern for a nursing shawl but, why bother?
After my last baby died, I woke up at home after living at the hospital for four weeks. Baby clothes were folded- ready for a baby who had died. The bassinet was ready for a baby that would never use it. The sling hung baby- ready and empty. No baby.
I remember wondering "what the heck happened?" We knew nothing. She was getting better. She was breathing on her own, responding to us, waking up. She wasn't supposed to die. We were in shock. I sat there beside her every day, talking to her, bathing her, clothing her, singing to her, reading to her, praying next to her and it made no difference. I fought with my entire being to save her- to argue on her behalf when everyone thought it was hopeless. I told everyone that only God knows when it is her time; we can't make that decision. I was happy to comply with God but not the NICU staff. They were not motivated by fact, figure, science or reason. I was a mother and I was a believer- I had my fact; the fact that God exists and only He can take anyone to Him.
We told the NICU staff that she had an infection. They didn't believe us until it was too late to save her. So, I sat by her when she was at her worst, then she got better and then she got bad again and I was there to see it all.
I don't want to go through that again. That was my second time in the NICU and I don't want to do it again. I know that there is no way to prevent this, I just have to trust in God but I have done this before and look where it got me!
As the baby moves more and more and it become more real to me that this is happening, I become more terrified. Praying won't ensure a good outcome... Nothing will. It is so painful to know that this baby may not live. It may die at any time.
I don't think I could live through another NICU stay. I don't think I could live with the death of another baby.
I think that, if I begin making things or making plans, I will be jumping ahead of myself and somehow I will be punished.
Fear is a terrible thing and it signifies a real mistrust in God. I am so sorry to feel this way...
Friday, October 5, 2012
First Friday
Happy First Friday!
I am so glad that we- as Caholics- have the Sacred Heart. I know that the Sacred Heart belongs to everyone but most people from other religions probably think the Sacred Heart is a little odd...
I can remember being in first grade and looking at the Sacred Heart picture which happened to be in front of my desk. I really didn't understand the meaning behind it but I really liked it. Jesus looked so lovely and He always made me feel so warm when I looked at His gentle smile. It was a cheerful yet reverant picture- with soft light eminating from the heart of Jesus into the darkness surrounding Him. I remember looking at the picture and really loving Him- really wanting to know Him.
I always associated the Sacred Heart with that school and those nuns- who were mostly Irish. At my second grade school, there was no Sacred Heart and no nuns. I never saw another Sacred Heart picture again until I visited my family in Ireland.
There, everyone had the Sacred Heart- it was everywhere. I could not get away from it! - Not that I wanted to. It was amazing how- even after all those years and lots of straying- I felt such a love for Jesus while looking at His Sacred Heart and I felt that He, too loved me. Still, I was ignorant of the meaning behind it all.
What I really liked in Ireland were the Sacred Heart pictures with the little lights attached to them. These little fake candles added something very interesting to it all. I have since looked for something like this in the US but haven't been able to find it.
Life went on, day after day in Ireland with the light from the Sacred Heart flickering over me- it was always there- that orange light of the Sacred Heart.
In any case, my brain now always connects Ireland to the Sacred Heart- replacing the connection betwen it and nuns.
When I grew up a bit, I learned about the Sacred Heart and it made sense that I always felt love when I looked at it and always felt loved. Now, the more I love Jesus, the more my love grows... if that makes any sense. It's like, it just multiplies and seems to feel more massive as I allow myself to feel it. Sometimes it is even alarming...
The real beauty of the Sacred Heart is that it really belongs to everyone- even people who don't believe, refuse to believe or have never had the opportunity to believe. The love of Jesus- the burning love so wonderfully expressed by the Sacred Heart- belongs to everyone and it is unconditional. What a beautiful thing!
I am so glad that we- as Caholics- have the Sacred Heart. I know that the Sacred Heart belongs to everyone but most people from other religions probably think the Sacred Heart is a little odd...
I can remember being in first grade and looking at the Sacred Heart picture which happened to be in front of my desk. I really didn't understand the meaning behind it but I really liked it. Jesus looked so lovely and He always made me feel so warm when I looked at His gentle smile. It was a cheerful yet reverant picture- with soft light eminating from the heart of Jesus into the darkness surrounding Him. I remember looking at the picture and really loving Him- really wanting to know Him.
I always associated the Sacred Heart with that school and those nuns- who were mostly Irish. At my second grade school, there was no Sacred Heart and no nuns. I never saw another Sacred Heart picture again until I visited my family in Ireland.
There, everyone had the Sacred Heart- it was everywhere. I could not get away from it! - Not that I wanted to. It was amazing how- even after all those years and lots of straying- I felt such a love for Jesus while looking at His Sacred Heart and I felt that He, too loved me. Still, I was ignorant of the meaning behind it all.
What I really liked in Ireland were the Sacred Heart pictures with the little lights attached to them. These little fake candles added something very interesting to it all. I have since looked for something like this in the US but haven't been able to find it.
Life went on, day after day in Ireland with the light from the Sacred Heart flickering over me- it was always there- that orange light of the Sacred Heart.
In any case, my brain now always connects Ireland to the Sacred Heart- replacing the connection betwen it and nuns.
When I grew up a bit, I learned about the Sacred Heart and it made sense that I always felt love when I looked at it and always felt loved. Now, the more I love Jesus, the more my love grows... if that makes any sense. It's like, it just multiplies and seems to feel more massive as I allow myself to feel it. Sometimes it is even alarming...
The real beauty of the Sacred Heart is that it really belongs to everyone- even people who don't believe, refuse to believe or have never had the opportunity to believe. The love of Jesus- the burning love so wonderfully expressed by the Sacred Heart- belongs to everyone and it is unconditional. What a beautiful thing!
Thursday, October 4, 2012
News and Flutters
It has been an odd 24 hours...
I have since calmed down quite a bit and hope to actually sleep tonight.
I am still a little upset about the Dr. Amy thing and still can't believe the way she goes about things; it is just wrong! I feel so bad for any parent who has been abused by her and for any baby whose memory was profaned by her.
It goes beyond Barbara; it goes beyond my husband and me. What is going on is unjust and cruel and I believe I would not be a good mother and Catholic if I did not do something about it. However, this blog is not meant to be about home birth or Dr. Amy. So, I have decided to start another blog in which Dr. Amy and other nonsense will be discussed. I hope to have this blog up and running either tomorrow or Saturday.
For a while, now, I have felt little flutters that I thought were indicative of baby movement. Tonight I finally felt what I know to be movement. What a wonderful feeling! How wonderful is God!
I have since calmed down quite a bit and hope to actually sleep tonight.
I am still a little upset about the Dr. Amy thing and still can't believe the way she goes about things; it is just wrong! I feel so bad for any parent who has been abused by her and for any baby whose memory was profaned by her.
It goes beyond Barbara; it goes beyond my husband and me. What is going on is unjust and cruel and I believe I would not be a good mother and Catholic if I did not do something about it. However, this blog is not meant to be about home birth or Dr. Amy. So, I have decided to start another blog in which Dr. Amy and other nonsense will be discussed. I hope to have this blog up and running either tomorrow or Saturday.
For a while, now, I have felt little flutters that I thought were indicative of baby movement. Tonight I finally felt what I know to be movement. What a wonderful feeling! How wonderful is God!
Bearing False Witness
BEARING FALSE WITNESS
CCC= Catechism of the Catholic Church
Recently, I found myself in a position where someone took a very personal and painful situation and twisted it in order to be used to their advantage (publicly).
I used to think that “false witness” meant only lying about people however, it actually means much more than this (CCC 2464- 2470).
Now, in my case, someone bore false witness against me in the simplest of terms: she outright lied about me and purposely left out the majority of story while extracting from it just enough to further her cause.
The thing is, not only was this morally wrong, but also incredibly painful because she was lying about the death of my child and actually posted the lie on the anniversary of my daughter’s death.
What does the Church have to say about lying? Well, by definition “a lie consists in speaking a falsehood with the intention of deceiving” and “to lie is to speak or act against truth in order to lead someone into error” (CCC 2482). Also, while a lie in itself is only a venial sin, “it becomes [a] mortal [sin] when it does grave injury to the virtues of justice and charity” (CCC 2484).
The CCC tells us: “the Lord denounces lying as the work of the devil” (CCC 2482). Lying is to “be condemned” and is a “profanation of speech” (CCC 2484). Even worse, the CCC maintains:
“a lie does real violence to another; it affects his ability to know, which is a condition of every judgment decision. It contains the seeds of discord and all consequent evils. Lying is destructive of society; it undermines trust among men and tears apart the fabric of social relationships” (CCC 2486).
Furthermore, deliberately leading another astray by way of lying “constitutes a failure in justice and charity” (CCC 2485.
Now, I know that people believe that it is unreasonable and unfair of me (or other practicing Catholics) to expect others adhere to one of the oldest and most basic of moral laws, but I can’t help but expect at least some degree of fairness, truth and justice from competent people.
In the end, regardless of what a person does or does not believe- a lie is a lie and lying is wrong.
So, someone has lied about me and the death of my child…
The dilemma is (after the sobbing stops): how does a Catholic handle this without also bearing false witness?
Wrought with emotion, and only being a lowly human, my first thought was how to get her back (wrong!). Now, even though I felt flushed with anger and then grief, I decided to calmly defend myself and the honor of my child. I wrote a respectful and honest email to my offender.
Looking back, this was a mistake. Jesus tells us to, first, handle things privately and then, if the matter is not resolved, it can be dealt with publicly. Also, I was motivated by anger, pain and ego and nothing too good ever comes from this sort of motivation.
In any case, I tried to remedy the situation- to no avail.
So- how to proceed… how does a Catholic proceed in such matters? First off- prayerfully and mindfully and with love.
Love is hard to muster up when all one thinks she can feel is something fairly close to hate.
How can I honestly address this situation without being uncharitable, unfair and mean? What more do I have to know about false witness in order to avoid committing it?
MORE KINDS OF FALSE WITNESS
The CCC tells us that we always must respect the reputation of others and “forbids any attitude and word likely to… cause unjust injury” (CCC 2477)
One must also take care not to practice rash judgment on the “moral fault of a neighbor… without sufficient foundation” even if one assumes that the fault is true (CCC 2477). Rash judgment can be avoided by truly attempting to understand the meaning behind one’s words so as not to misunderstand and/ or misinterpret what is said. It means applying the principle of charity to the arguments and opinions of others rather than rashly assuming that someone is out to harm us or our reputation (CCC 2478).
Moreover, one must take care so as not be to guilty of detraction- meaning exposing the failings and faults of another to strangers without an “objectively valid reason” (CCC 2477).
Lastly, one must not be guilty of calumny by way of telling lies about someone and thus ruining their reputation and creating a situation where “false judgments” can be made about the victim in question (CCC 2477).
Both “detraction and calumny destroy the reputation and honor of one’s neighbor” and, being that honor is “the social witness given to human dignity“, detraction and calumny “offend against the virtues of justice and charity“(CCC 2480). What does this mean? In short, knowingly exposing the faults of others without sufficient justification and telling lies that ruin the reputation and honor of another human being is both unjust and uncharitable.
So, first off, as Catholics, we must be careful not to lie. Second, we must always take care to watch what we say (or write). We must not purposely set out to ruin the reputation of another by lying or even telling what we may believe is the truth. We must not expose the faults of others without sufficient cause and we must always extend the benefit of doubt to others.
Another thing to consider is the question of evil. Evil can bring forth evil. If to lie is evil then to defend one’s self in a disrespectful or sinful way is also evil. The work of the devil is everywhere and one can see his work by the misery, discord and pain it brings. As Catholics, we must not fall pray to evil and be seduced by it, thus doing more evil. We must ask Jesus, His Blessed Mother and St. Michael for help in defeating evil.
This is how Catholics deal with false witness. We don’t have to lie back and take it; we can defend ourselves with prayer, love, patience, caution, justice, charity and the truth.
CCC= Catechism of the Catholic Church
Recently, I found myself in a position where someone took a very personal and painful situation and twisted it in order to be used to their advantage (publicly).
I used to think that “false witness” meant only lying about people however, it actually means much more than this (CCC 2464- 2470).
Now, in my case, someone bore false witness against me in the simplest of terms: she outright lied about me and purposely left out the majority of story while extracting from it just enough to further her cause.
The thing is, not only was this morally wrong, but also incredibly painful because she was lying about the death of my child and actually posted the lie on the anniversary of my daughter’s death.
What does the Church have to say about lying? Well, by definition “a lie consists in speaking a falsehood with the intention of deceiving” and “to lie is to speak or act against truth in order to lead someone into error” (CCC 2482). Also, while a lie in itself is only a venial sin, “it becomes [a] mortal [sin] when it does grave injury to the virtues of justice and charity” (CCC 2484).
The CCC tells us: “the Lord denounces lying as the work of the devil” (CCC 2482). Lying is to “be condemned” and is a “profanation of speech” (CCC 2484). Even worse, the CCC maintains:
“a lie does real violence to another; it affects his ability to know, which is a condition of every judgment decision. It contains the seeds of discord and all consequent evils. Lying is destructive of society; it undermines trust among men and tears apart the fabric of social relationships” (CCC 2486).
Furthermore, deliberately leading another astray by way of lying “constitutes a failure in justice and charity” (CCC 2485.
Now, I know that people believe that it is unreasonable and unfair of me (or other practicing Catholics) to expect others adhere to one of the oldest and most basic of moral laws, but I can’t help but expect at least some degree of fairness, truth and justice from competent people.
In the end, regardless of what a person does or does not believe- a lie is a lie and lying is wrong.
So, someone has lied about me and the death of my child…
The dilemma is (after the sobbing stops): how does a Catholic handle this without also bearing false witness?
Wrought with emotion, and only being a lowly human, my first thought was how to get her back (wrong!). Now, even though I felt flushed with anger and then grief, I decided to calmly defend myself and the honor of my child. I wrote a respectful and honest email to my offender.
Looking back, this was a mistake. Jesus tells us to, first, handle things privately and then, if the matter is not resolved, it can be dealt with publicly. Also, I was motivated by anger, pain and ego and nothing too good ever comes from this sort of motivation.
In any case, I tried to remedy the situation- to no avail.
So- how to proceed… how does a Catholic proceed in such matters? First off- prayerfully and mindfully and with love.
Love is hard to muster up when all one thinks she can feel is something fairly close to hate.
How can I honestly address this situation without being uncharitable, unfair and mean? What more do I have to know about false witness in order to avoid committing it?
MORE KINDS OF FALSE WITNESS
The CCC tells us that we always must respect the reputation of others and “forbids any attitude and word likely to… cause unjust injury” (CCC 2477)
One must also take care not to practice rash judgment on the “moral fault of a neighbor… without sufficient foundation” even if one assumes that the fault is true (CCC 2477). Rash judgment can be avoided by truly attempting to understand the meaning behind one’s words so as not to misunderstand and/ or misinterpret what is said. It means applying the principle of charity to the arguments and opinions of others rather than rashly assuming that someone is out to harm us or our reputation (CCC 2478).
Moreover, one must take care so as not be to guilty of detraction- meaning exposing the failings and faults of another to strangers without an “objectively valid reason” (CCC 2477).
Lastly, one must not be guilty of calumny by way of telling lies about someone and thus ruining their reputation and creating a situation where “false judgments” can be made about the victim in question (CCC 2477).
Both “detraction and calumny destroy the reputation and honor of one’s neighbor” and, being that honor is “the social witness given to human dignity“, detraction and calumny “offend against the virtues of justice and charity“(CCC 2480). What does this mean? In short, knowingly exposing the faults of others without sufficient justification and telling lies that ruin the reputation and honor of another human being is both unjust and uncharitable.
So, first off, as Catholics, we must be careful not to lie. Second, we must always take care to watch what we say (or write). We must not purposely set out to ruin the reputation of another by lying or even telling what we may believe is the truth. We must not expose the faults of others without sufficient cause and we must always extend the benefit of doubt to others.
Another thing to consider is the question of evil. Evil can bring forth evil. If to lie is evil then to defend one’s self in a disrespectful or sinful way is also evil. The work of the devil is everywhere and one can see his work by the misery, discord and pain it brings. As Catholics, we must not fall pray to evil and be seduced by it, thus doing more evil. We must ask Jesus, His Blessed Mother and St. Michael for help in defeating evil.
This is how Catholics deal with false witness. We don’t have to lie back and take it; we can defend ourselves with prayer, love, patience, caution, justice, charity and the truth.
Wednesday, October 3, 2012
Correction
I must correct something I said earlier; I mentioned home birth in another post called "A Time to Be Born". Perhaps this is the post Dr. Amy has read? I noticed a good deal of traffic on this post and the one after it. I might have mentioned it in a few other posts.
I also realized, when I actually looked at my blog (which I never do because I just post and then get off line) that I mention home birth in the description of the blog. I designed this blog a long time ago and forgot I had written that. So, when I am wrong, I say I'm wrong. I will change this... I don't want my ideas about birth to be the focus of this blog... This was never my intent!
Hmm. I wonder if anyone will bother to read my defense or if Dr. Amy has been successful in exlpoiting the death of my child? I feel sick. I am pretty sure I am going to delete this blog. It isn't worth it to keep it up knowing what it is being used for. I will give my defense a few days to be read and then the whole blog may be gone.
So much for a safe place.
Oh, and she quoted from "Blame". And also (wrongly) came up with cause of death which was NOT GBS sepsis but instead blood infection resulting from NICU negligence and congenital hypothyroidism which most likely caused the heart and kidney issue. I read the post; while it was kinder to me than I had supposed, it was still distressing to read. My prenatal records and my daughter's NICU records were recently reviewed by two docs and neither of their opinions are in agreement with Dr. Amy, who has not seen these records but thought she had the right to diagnose my child and blame me, anyway.
It is bad enough to make a grieving parent feel worse but to cause such great distress to a grieving, pregnant mother is something else entirely; and any OB should know that! Stress isn't good for moms and their babies!
God forgive me if I have been cruel; I do not mean to be.
I can't sleep; I am so distressed. I think I'll go have a good cry. I also think I won't let Dr. Amy ruin this. I already deleted a few posts- which I now regret... I will, however, delete the posts that can- in any way- be used and exploited by Dr. Amy... Which is a terrible shame; I found the honesty refreshing- but not at such a cost... I can feel a huge blob in my throat which means that I will have to cry before I explode. I wish that no one ever had to feel this way... I would gladly feel so bad if it meant that others would be spared feeling this bad... No parent should have to deal with the blame of others on top of the blame she already places on herself. No pregnant mom should have to sob hysterically because of something like this.
Oh- Jesus was so right about the world! I will say a rosary for every parent hurt by Dr. Amy and I will pray that she can begin to see the harm she does so that she can begin to help instead!
I also realized, when I actually looked at my blog (which I never do because I just post and then get off line) that I mention home birth in the description of the blog. I designed this blog a long time ago and forgot I had written that. So, when I am wrong, I say I'm wrong. I will change this... I don't want my ideas about birth to be the focus of this blog... This was never my intent!
Hmm. I wonder if anyone will bother to read my defense or if Dr. Amy has been successful in exlpoiting the death of my child? I feel sick. I am pretty sure I am going to delete this blog. It isn't worth it to keep it up knowing what it is being used for. I will give my defense a few days to be read and then the whole blog may be gone.
So much for a safe place.
Oh, and she quoted from "Blame". And also (wrongly) came up with cause of death which was NOT GBS sepsis but instead blood infection resulting from NICU negligence and congenital hypothyroidism which most likely caused the heart and kidney issue. I read the post; while it was kinder to me than I had supposed, it was still distressing to read. My prenatal records and my daughter's NICU records were recently reviewed by two docs and neither of their opinions are in agreement with Dr. Amy, who has not seen these records but thought she had the right to diagnose my child and blame me, anyway.
It is bad enough to make a grieving parent feel worse but to cause such great distress to a grieving, pregnant mother is something else entirely; and any OB should know that! Stress isn't good for moms and their babies!
God forgive me if I have been cruel; I do not mean to be.
I can't sleep; I am so distressed. I think I'll go have a good cry. I also think I won't let Dr. Amy ruin this. I already deleted a few posts- which I now regret... I will, however, delete the posts that can- in any way- be used and exploited by Dr. Amy... Which is a terrible shame; I found the honesty refreshing- but not at such a cost... I can feel a huge blob in my throat which means that I will have to cry before I explode. I wish that no one ever had to feel this way... I would gladly feel so bad if it meant that others would be spared feeling this bad... No parent should have to deal with the blame of others on top of the blame she already places on herself. No pregnant mom should have to sob hysterically because of something like this.
Oh- Jesus was so right about the world! I will say a rosary for every parent hurt by Dr. Amy and I will pray that she can begin to see the harm she does so that she can begin to help instead!
Is Nothing Sacred?
I am now really integrating the whole Dr. Amy situation into my being and, I have to say, that I feel nausiated.
When my poor husband came home, I had to tell him. He knows of Dr. Amy and, as a scientist who reads academic/ scientific/ medical journal articles, has taken issue with much of Dr. Amy's rants for some time. We never felt the need to publically insult her or refute her arguments, though, because our life does not revolve around our choice to birth at home.
I knew he would already feel upset about getting home too late to attend Mass and adoration and that telling him about Dr. Amy would be the icing on the cake. Now, niether of us believe in sensorship and, even though we often disagree with Dr. Amy, we believe she has the right to say what she likes and express her beliefs and opinions. It is her tactics we take issue with. Now that it is all closer to home, it has become very painful and personal.
I don't know how Dr. Amy found the one entry of this blog that mentions home birth. I wonder if she even bothered to read the rest of my posts or even that post in its entirety. I never thought that I'd have to worry about her- or anyone else- taking something quite small and insiginficant and making it into such a big deal that really just detracts from the oringinal purpose of the blog...
This blog was a "safe place" because sometimes I don't feel it is safe to tell anyone how I feel. I am sure that other people can relate and so this blog was supposed to be a safe place for everyone. Because it deals with my faith and my struggles with it, it often delves into the sacred; my relationship with God is very important, personal and sacred.
I am a very private person. It often has been very difficult to admit some of the things I have thought and felt over the past year. I put myself out there, though, in order to help other people because I knew how it was to feel so alone and isolated from other people. I never realized the possible consequences of bearing my heart, though.
Of course, I thought that some people may take issue with my faith (or sometimes lack thereof) but I never imagined that my feelings and the death of my child would be exploited to justify Dr. Amy's hatred for all things home birth and home birth parents. I didn't think that people could be so cruel!
I believe that the sacred has been invaded and trashed and that pearls have been thrown to sows (no, I am not calling Dr. Amy or anyone else a pig!) But some things ought to be sacred and the death of a child is one of those things.
The world must be a more twisted place than I ever imagined when the untimely death of an innocent child and the pain of her parents is fodder for a cause like Dr. Amy's. This time, she has gone too far. This time, the world has gone too far.
I doubt Dr. Amy has any idea what I have been through this past year just like she has no idea what I went through when OB negligence nearly killed my first child... Life, it seems, is not as imporant to her as her cause and death under the right circumstances is a real reason to celebrate another victory for the cause. Life is very important to me- that is why I keep on living despite how terrible I so often feel and that is why I did all I could to keep my oldest child and Barbara alive.
Blame is a terrible thing and moms will blame themselves no matter what they do; I am still blaming myself for having my first child in the hosptial! To use this blame that parents naturally feel and turn it agiainst them is very, very cruel.
The time I had with Barbara- as short as it was- was sacred. Her memory is sacred. Even my pain is sacred because it untites me with Christ (who suffered greatly) and can be offered up for causes bigger than my own. When sanctity is invaded, perverted and exploited, it becomes dirty.
I had no idea that my blog could be used in this way. I am just not sure I want to continue to bear my heart to people who could use my pain in such a horrible way. I guess I didn't think about this possibiliy. The truth is that I feel sickened that my child's memory has been sullied this way and that the sacred has been made profane. I am not sure I can continue to keep this blog because I don't want to ruin the memory of my child and allow myself to be so vulnerable again.
I have put my husband's heart out there, too, and now I can also blame myself that I have given him cause to feel more pain. I never thought this could hurt him. Barbara was his baby, too, and I guess I just never thought I'd be taking a chance like this with his heart... It makes me feel very, very sick.
Everyone has the right to an opinion but no one has the right to dishonor the life and death of my (or any) baby in any way, shape or form. No one has the right to judge and blame and cause so much suffering on top of the suffering that already exists after the loss of a child. No one has the right to use the death of a baby in that way. I will do anyting to see that the memory of Barbara is nothing but beautiful and sacred and if this means deleting this blog, then so be it.
Tonight I will pray for the other parents who have been singled out and blamed by Dr. Amy. I pray that their pain may be minimized and that they may have the strength and confidence to see through the blame, judgement and hatred spewed at them.
I used to say to myself "someday, Dr. Amy will pick on the wrong person and then it will stop" (the blame and hatred, that is). I pray that that time will come sooner rather than later and that someday someone who is much stronger than I am will put an end to it. Then no one else will have to feel like I felt today.
When my poor husband came home, I had to tell him. He knows of Dr. Amy and, as a scientist who reads academic/ scientific/ medical journal articles, has taken issue with much of Dr. Amy's rants for some time. We never felt the need to publically insult her or refute her arguments, though, because our life does not revolve around our choice to birth at home.
I knew he would already feel upset about getting home too late to attend Mass and adoration and that telling him about Dr. Amy would be the icing on the cake. Now, niether of us believe in sensorship and, even though we often disagree with Dr. Amy, we believe she has the right to say what she likes and express her beliefs and opinions. It is her tactics we take issue with. Now that it is all closer to home, it has become very painful and personal.
I don't know how Dr. Amy found the one entry of this blog that mentions home birth. I wonder if she even bothered to read the rest of my posts or even that post in its entirety. I never thought that I'd have to worry about her- or anyone else- taking something quite small and insiginficant and making it into such a big deal that really just detracts from the oringinal purpose of the blog...
This blog was a "safe place" because sometimes I don't feel it is safe to tell anyone how I feel. I am sure that other people can relate and so this blog was supposed to be a safe place for everyone. Because it deals with my faith and my struggles with it, it often delves into the sacred; my relationship with God is very important, personal and sacred.
I am a very private person. It often has been very difficult to admit some of the things I have thought and felt over the past year. I put myself out there, though, in order to help other people because I knew how it was to feel so alone and isolated from other people. I never realized the possible consequences of bearing my heart, though.
Of course, I thought that some people may take issue with my faith (or sometimes lack thereof) but I never imagined that my feelings and the death of my child would be exploited to justify Dr. Amy's hatred for all things home birth and home birth parents. I didn't think that people could be so cruel!
I believe that the sacred has been invaded and trashed and that pearls have been thrown to sows (no, I am not calling Dr. Amy or anyone else a pig!) But some things ought to be sacred and the death of a child is one of those things.
The world must be a more twisted place than I ever imagined when the untimely death of an innocent child and the pain of her parents is fodder for a cause like Dr. Amy's. This time, she has gone too far. This time, the world has gone too far.
I doubt Dr. Amy has any idea what I have been through this past year just like she has no idea what I went through when OB negligence nearly killed my first child... Life, it seems, is not as imporant to her as her cause and death under the right circumstances is a real reason to celebrate another victory for the cause. Life is very important to me- that is why I keep on living despite how terrible I so often feel and that is why I did all I could to keep my oldest child and Barbara alive.
Blame is a terrible thing and moms will blame themselves no matter what they do; I am still blaming myself for having my first child in the hosptial! To use this blame that parents naturally feel and turn it agiainst them is very, very cruel.
The time I had with Barbara- as short as it was- was sacred. Her memory is sacred. Even my pain is sacred because it untites me with Christ (who suffered greatly) and can be offered up for causes bigger than my own. When sanctity is invaded, perverted and exploited, it becomes dirty.
I had no idea that my blog could be used in this way. I am just not sure I want to continue to bear my heart to people who could use my pain in such a horrible way. I guess I didn't think about this possibiliy. The truth is that I feel sickened that my child's memory has been sullied this way and that the sacred has been made profane. I am not sure I can continue to keep this blog because I don't want to ruin the memory of my child and allow myself to be so vulnerable again.
I have put my husband's heart out there, too, and now I can also blame myself that I have given him cause to feel more pain. I never thought this could hurt him. Barbara was his baby, too, and I guess I just never thought I'd be taking a chance like this with his heart... It makes me feel very, very sick.
Everyone has the right to an opinion but no one has the right to dishonor the life and death of my (or any) baby in any way, shape or form. No one has the right to judge and blame and cause so much suffering on top of the suffering that already exists after the loss of a child. No one has the right to use the death of a baby in that way. I will do anyting to see that the memory of Barbara is nothing but beautiful and sacred and if this means deleting this blog, then so be it.
Tonight I will pray for the other parents who have been singled out and blamed by Dr. Amy. I pray that their pain may be minimized and that they may have the strength and confidence to see through the blame, judgement and hatred spewed at them.
I used to say to myself "someday, Dr. Amy will pick on the wrong person and then it will stop" (the blame and hatred, that is). I pray that that time will come sooner rather than later and that someday someone who is much stronger than I am will put an end to it. Then no one else will have to feel like I felt today.
Clearing things Up
The intention of this blog is, as you know, to vent, to grieve and to help- all within the confines of my Catholic Faith. I wrote a post called "Blame" a while back in which home birth is mentioned. While the subject of home birth is beyond the scope of this blog, I feel the need to respond to a bit of information of which I was recently made aware. If you are not interested in reading my response, please don't feel obligated to do so... I won't be offended (I won't even know!).
In "Blame" I mentioned that birth at home was a somewhat controversial issue in the US but did not go into detail believing that doing so would be counterproductive to the intent of this blog. However, because my blog is being cited (publically) by a Dr. Amy, who is very much against home birth, I felt the need to defend myself publiclally. Unfortunately, Dr. Amy did not give me this right nor did she feel the need to contact me personally to find out the facts before using my pain and my daughter's death to further her cause.
In short, Dr. Amy hates the practice of home birth and this hatred extends beyond the practice itself and to all parents who choose to birth at home- regardless of situation. In life, very few things are black and white and birth at home happens to be one of these things. Unfortunately, Dr. Amy does not see it this way and believes that ALL homebirth parents are negligent, selfish people who care more about their own gratification/ and political-social agenda than they do about safety. To Dr. Amy- home birth is ALWAYS wrong in ALL situations. ALL midwives who attend home births are incompetent, uneducated and thoughtless. To her it is black and white.
Now, as I mentioned before, this blog is not about home birth although maybe this is God's way of telling me that, perhaps, it should be mentioned occasionally- especially because religion pays a role in why I choose to birth at home At least, here and now, it needs addressing.
The short of it is that I believe tht birth at home- with the complementary care of an MD or OB routinely and when necessary- is safe. I have my reasons for believing this which will be discussed later. I also believe that an all- or- nothing attitude does a severe disservice to women and babies and is a major cause of negative outcomes when it comes to birth in ANY situation; the OBs aren't always right and neither are the midwives but together, learning from each other and in cooperation with each other, birth can be made much safer and with more positive outcomes.
It is the inflexability, ignorance, hatred and anger that exists within some members of the medical community and some members of the home birth community that is the problem; rather than one way of thinking or birthing is better or worse than the other.
Moreover, perhaps if the medical community actually listened to and respected women, and their bodies and bestowed upon then the very basic dignity to which all human beings are entitled, women would feel less inclined to consider birth at home as an option. However, with the national C- section rate being what it is and with the way women and babies are treated in the maternity ward, it is no wonder that women turn to an option they believe is safer and more respectful of the human person- which is God's own creation. Also, as my letter Dr. Dr. Amy demonstrates, negative outcomes, illness and death happen both at the hospital and at home rather than just at home.
In any case, somehow, Dr. Amy somehow found out about the ONE post in this blog that mentions home birth and, in some capacity, is using it on her site. Not only do I consider this disrespectful to the memory of Barbara, but also very, very demeaning to the true and pure intent of this blog. I can't allow the death of my child and my pain to be exploited to further any cause but that of God and, since Dr. Amy is not God, I must take issue with her making referance to or making use of (in any way) my blog.
So, I here is an email I have written to Dr. Amy in response to my blog being cited or used in any way on her site:
Dear Dr. Amy,
I am not sure if it will do any good to write this but I hope that it will. Depite our differing opinions, I hope that I will be treated with the same respect and given the same benefit of doubt that I am giving you.
I recently found out that my blog (Catholic Mom in Mourning) is somehow, in some way featured on your blog/ site. I want you to know that losing a baby was painful enough but then to hear that my expereince- and the short life of my child- has been somehow used and exploited within your blog has only added to my pain. I am aware that you have yor opinions and I do not believe that you are all wrong; you are passionate and are trying to do what you think is best- and that is admirable.
I want you to know that I am a mother who never would have thought about home birth until I had a very bad expereince with hospital birth. My first baby was born via emergency C- section after an uneventful, typical pregnancy. After being forced to push through two swollen lips for over two hours, my baby went into distress. It took my CNM 45 min. to get a hold of the OB by phone and then a half hour for him to get to the hospital. Once he got there and I was in the OR, I heard the anesthesiologist tell him that he wanted to wait until another anesthesiologist got there because he did not feel comfortable intubating me. The OB told him to do it anyhow. When I woke up, I was told to say "good bye" to my baby, who was being rushed to the local NICU and would probably die. Apparently, it took 20 min. to intubate me while I was receiving general anesthesia... It took 7 min. for the OR team to decide whether or not to administer CPR to my baby, who was not breathing and unresponsive. Meanwhile, I had to stay at the hospital while my baby was in the local NICU at another hospital. During my stay, I was repeatedly told that my daughter was always breathing, that she was born very healthy with a wonderful APGAR score (wonderful meaning "1"?).
However, once I spoke with the attending neonatologist, I learned how bad it really had been and that I had been lied to by the people I had trusted with my life and that of my child. My baby was alive, although no one knew why. At three days old, she had a seizure that lasted over an hour- we were told by her neurologist that the seizure was a direct result of residual anesthesia. At five days old, we were told that she would probably live but would be "moderately to profoundly retarded." When I asked how this had happened, I was told- point blank- that her condition was a result of birth trauma, lack of oxygen and anesthesia OD.
As you can imagine, my life was never the same. Instead of bringing home a healthy baby, I was looking at a long NICU stay after which I could only look forward to therapy sessions and round- the- clock specialized care for my very damaged child. Needless to say, I never wanted to have another child. While finishing up my degree, I met two other women who had gone to the same OB/CNM practice who also had mentally handicapped kids as a direct result of birth trauma. I also know that one (smart) OB chose to leave the practice becuse of the ineptitude and negligence of other OBs in the practice. So, just as there are "serial midwives" as some women like to claim, there are also plenty of serial OBs in the world, it seems.
Years past, though, and my life was different and I was ready- although frightened- to think about having another baby. I planned to have a VBAC and read all I could about maximizing my chances of success. After finding out that no one in my area was supportive of VBAC, I decided to look into home birth. I know you hate when people claim to have done research and have educated themselves, so I'll just skip that part and allow you to think of me as you seem to think of all women in my position- ignorant and selfish and we'll leave it at that. In any case, I ended up wanting to have my baby in the hospital and, while in labor, was told by a resident (who knew about my past experience) that, while my baby was fine, it would be a very long time until I was ready to push and she could not guarantee that my baby would be in good condition when it was time to push and, as a result, he may go into distress. Well, selfish me (a home birth mom!)- I decided to have a section rather than risk the life of my baby...
After being opened up, the attending OB began screaming at the resident OB because I was fully dilated and should have had the baby vaginally. He was obviously very angry with her and told her that it isn't a good idea to do sections when a baby is so far down and the mom is ready to push. Oh well, I was already opened up and pushing was no longer an option. I began sobbing as they began closing me up and was given something to calm me down which only made me throw up. No one would get me anything to throw up into and I began to shake violently. Everybody was too busy talking about their vacations and such.
In the recovery room, the nurse would not help me intiate nursing and instead was talking on the phone about how I had ruined her lunch hour. About 30 min. later, she got off the phone and told me that I would have to remain in recovery until noon (it was 6 am) if i couldn't feel my legs soon- as if I could control when the epidural anesthesia wore off! She never did help me nurse- I had to figure it out myself. I had never nursed before- I had only pumped for a year for my oldest child due her condition- so I was very unsure about how to nurse.
Less that 24 hours after the surgery, I was told that I had no pain medication left and that I would just have to deal with the pain. This was around 12 am. By 2 PM the next day, I was in tears because of the pain and another nurse came in and asked me why I was crying. She told me that I had two weeks worth of pain meedicine and wrote the dosage schedule on a board in my room for other nurses to see. I still don't know why the one nurse would not give me any medicine but I do know that I had argued with her about her wanting to give my son formula, a pacifier and bottle.
She claimed that I had no milk (who does at 4 hours postpartum?) and that my baby was starving. I asked to see a lactation consultant and was told that she was not available. However, when I called her office, she told me that she had been available all day and that she could have come at any time. She argued with the nurse on my behalf which only seemed to infuriate her (the nurse) more.
After a lot of begging, I was able to leave the hospital early but only after I was given the "contraception" talk and offered a contraceptive injection (the syringe was ready to go and brought in with the OB). Now, I am a PRACTICING Catholic which means that I do not use artificial contraception and have always found that NFP works well and has never let me down. The OB did not agree, though, and kept pushing the contraceptive injection on me until he saw that it was just not going to happen... This, on top of everything else, was too much!
So, when I became pregnant with my thrid baby (after a year- and- a half of successful NFP!), I knew I either had to submit to another section or VBA2C at home.
I also knew that there is no medical evidence that suggests that VBAC after two sections poses any more risk than a VBAC after one and so planned to stay at home. However, I received physician co- care as needed during the pregnancy and was ready to birth at the hospital if necessary. My third child was born at home with no complications.
As a result, I planned on having my fourth at home under the same circumstances. At around 10 weeks, I went to see my physician because I did not feel right. He ran a bunch of blood tests and never got back to me although he saw me plenty of times afterwards and never mentioned any abnormal results. Due to a clericcal error on the part of his staff, I could not get online to access my results although I attempted to do so several times and even called his office for assistance.
My baby was born sick even though I had recieved physician co- care as needed throughout the pregnancy. She was born with a congenital heart defect and a kidney abnormality that was not caught during any prenatal diagnostic exam. Moreover, she was infected with GBS even though I was negative and considered low- risk for GBS.. Her metabolic screen came back abnormal when it came to nearly every metabolic problem a baby could have.
While she was in the NICU, the NICU staff made several errors with regards to her care (we have a PA friend who oversaw her care) and, because her PIC was removed a week after anitbiotics were stopped (and a week longer than it should have been in to begin with), she contracted a blood infection from which she eventually died.
Two months after her death, I was finally able to review my prenatal records and noticed that my thyroid panel was very abnormal. The doc made a note of it and wanted to do more tests but never called me or told me during subsequent visits. I also showed signs of both iron- definciency and pernicious anemia.
My baby did not die from home birth and I did not forego medical care because I am more interested in my own political/ social agenda than safety. I understand the need for obstetrical care as needed and do not choose to birth at home without complimentary medical care. In the case of my last baby, I can't see how my midwife or home birth is to blame. The truth is that I had severe hypothyroidism (hashimotos) that my physician never told me about. My baby also had abnormalities could not have been caused by home birth; my midwife did not cause any of her problems and neither did home birth. She would have been born just as sick if she had been born in the hospital. The only difference is that she would have been taken to the NICU sooner but even that would not have made any difference. This was the one mistake my midwife and I made.
I am pregnant again and, already, one OB has messed up my thyroid medication while another refused to prescribe medication at all (even though he had years of medical records detailing the thyroid issue at her disposal). I have since found a wonderful OB who has been on top of my thyroid problem and also on top of the GBS issue (for which I have cultured negative in urine and recto- vaginally). Again, I am planning on a home birth with the option to VBA2C in the local hospital if necessary. Again, my care is being overseen by an OB who has been willing to discuss- at length- what may have gone wrong last time so that we can be on top of things this time. He has reviewed my records and those of my deceased child and does not blame home birth and so, perhaps you can find it in your heart and mind to agree with him and, at least in my case, stop using my situation to further your cause.
My blog is all about dealing with the loss of my child. I share some very personal emotions on my blog so that other moms in my position can read what I have written and not feel as freakish as I do at times. it is not about home birth, OBs or midwives. It is not political in nature and exists only to help other women deal with the loss of their children. As a mother who so often feels so alone, I know how important it is to be able to relate to someone else and feel as if one is not alone. My intent is to help ALL women- home birth moms, hospital- birth moms, moms who have miscarried, moms who have lost oder/ adult children... My job is never to judge but to be a voice in the darkness as I believe I am supposed to be as a Christian. To make my blog, which is actually about so much, into something so particular and trivial does not do its intent justice.
Have you ever lost a child? There can be nothing more painful. It really sets one apart from others when others are so needed. The pain never goes away. Knowing how it feels like to lose a child, I could never blame parents for the loss. I am certain that there is enough self- blame (even if it is not mentioned) to go around without others chiming in. I can't speak for other parents but I can say that some very neative experiences with OBs got me thinking about home birth whereas if I had not had these experiences, I would not have even thought about having a baby at home. Perhaps this is the case with other parents who birth at home. In my case, OB negligence nearly killed my oldest child and OB incompetance earned me my second scar and MD negligence contributed to the death of my last baby and, had I not been on the ball this time, could have caused another negative outcome with the child I am now so blessed to carry. Yet I don't hate OBs and MDs and I do not hate you even though, when I read your blog, I read a good amount of hatred directed towards me and others like me in your posts.
My daughter died on October 1 and on October 2, I found out that my blog was featured on your blog/ site. Someone who feels bad for me despite your opinion(s) of me thought to send me an email. I do not know what you have written about me or my blog or my situation but what you- or anyone else- can read on my blog is not the whole story. The goal of the ONE post in which home birth is mentioned is not about bashing OBs and praising home birth but instead how it feels to be blamed for the death of your child because most things grief- related are universal. Since you apparently blame me, it makes sense that my blog should be picked up and used by you.
I have to say that I do not understand how someone without the entire story can feel OK about exploiting the death of a child and the pain of a grieving mother. My deceased daughter does not deserve this and neither do my husband and I. I am asking you, politely, to remove my blog from your site. I also want to inform you that what it written on my blog is subject to copywrite laws and cannot be used or quoted without my permission. I do not want to take away your right to your opinion but instead want to ensure that my blog remains what it is meant to be and not what you seem to be turning it into. Even if you hate me, you can not hate my child- who even you must admit- is innocent of all charges and so, for her sake, if you can't do it for mine, please remove any mention of my blog from your site.
I am also asking you- as a mother in pain- to please check out the facts before using someone's situation for your blog. Words can be very painful and, when a person already feels so much pain, it really seems unnecessary to make it worse. I would have greatly appreciated hearing from you (you obviously can find my email address since you have found my blog) and dealing with this privately rather than publicly. Anyhow, you can't claim to be posting facts when you have not bothered to find out what the facts are!
I never had any intention of bad- mouthing the OBs and MDs who have made mistakes/ been negligent because I believe that, eventually, God puts everything right and, again, my blog is not about bashing anyone. There are bad midwives and bad OBs; but not all OBs are bad and not all midwives are bad... This sort of thinking defies logic and contributes to ignorance and hatred rather than truth and cooperation. Even after my experiences, I know that there are good OBs/MDs and do not hate even those who have caused me pain. Still, the truth is the truth and I feel as though I have been forced to tell the whole truth in defence of my my self, my family, the real intent of my blog and in honor of my daughter. It seems that now, inavertantly, there will be OB/MD bashing... But, again, at least it is the truth.
Since you are leading people to my blog, I feel the need to respond publicly and, as a result, I will post this so that your followers may know the truth-which is more than you are willing to give them about me.
I pray that God ends this anger/ hatred/ ignorance felt between some members of the medical community and some members of the home birth community because- in the end- cooperation,understanding and respect between the two make birth safer while anger/ hatred and ignorance only it make unsafe both at home and in the hospital.
EB- Catholic Mom in Mourning
A Light in the Darkness
Today I opened an email from a very kind person who took time out of her day to provide comfort and companionship to me at a very difficult time; she has done the work of God.
I have learned that God speaks to us in many different ways- we juat have to listen. I think we all too often forget that God can speak to us directly through others although it is something we should never forget. After all, we are commanded to love one another... if God is love, then when we love others, we are participating in something bigger than the feeling itself; we are participating in God.
Little things that we do for each other matter so much when we remember that what we do to others, we do to Jesus and that to love is to participate in God.
An email reminding a mother in pain that she is not alone and that God loves her and is always there for her is a powerful thing. It is not only a reminder that God never leaves us but also that He loves us and that this love can be expressed in a very tangible, earthly way. Reminding someone who is questioning their faith that God exists and that He is always there even if it doesn't feel like it can shepherd a soul back to Christ and is a wonderful thing.
This past year has been the worst year of my life. I never thought that I could feel so alone and feel so much pain. When a person feels so much pain, it extends into every part of their existence and everything that used to be a known truth or matter of fact is called into question. In writing this blog, I wanted to give other moms what I didn't have- someone to let them know that they are not complete freaks for thinking/ feeling certain things. I have been brutally honest and have written things that I normally would never have told even my best friend only because I wished I could hear them from someone else.
I have been helpless to really help people as much as I would have liked over the past year because I could barely help myself. With this blog, though, I have tried to be a light in the darkness as is commanded by scripture. I did this because it was all I could do.
It has also helped to get it all out! Keeping things in can make a person very sick and bitter. I know that some people read this and I want to thank them for doing so! You, too, are lights in the darkness just for sticking by me!
I also must publicly thank the two people who have responded to my posts; God bless you and keep you! You have been real lights in my darkness and I am grateful for your kind words and compassionate thoughts.
We are ALL called to be lights in the darkness and we all have the potential to be so. No matter how dark life seems, we can always try to be lights- even dim ones- for others. We can remember that doing the smallest thing may bring the greatest amount of comfort to someone who is worse off than we are (and there is ALWAYS someone worse off!).
As Christians we MUST remember this!
Jesus- my All!
I have learned that God speaks to us in many different ways- we juat have to listen. I think we all too often forget that God can speak to us directly through others although it is something we should never forget. After all, we are commanded to love one another... if God is love, then when we love others, we are participating in something bigger than the feeling itself; we are participating in God.
Little things that we do for each other matter so much when we remember that what we do to others, we do to Jesus and that to love is to participate in God.
An email reminding a mother in pain that she is not alone and that God loves her and is always there for her is a powerful thing. It is not only a reminder that God never leaves us but also that He loves us and that this love can be expressed in a very tangible, earthly way. Reminding someone who is questioning their faith that God exists and that He is always there even if it doesn't feel like it can shepherd a soul back to Christ and is a wonderful thing.
This past year has been the worst year of my life. I never thought that I could feel so alone and feel so much pain. When a person feels so much pain, it extends into every part of their existence and everything that used to be a known truth or matter of fact is called into question. In writing this blog, I wanted to give other moms what I didn't have- someone to let them know that they are not complete freaks for thinking/ feeling certain things. I have been brutally honest and have written things that I normally would never have told even my best friend only because I wished I could hear them from someone else.
I have been helpless to really help people as much as I would have liked over the past year because I could barely help myself. With this blog, though, I have tried to be a light in the darkness as is commanded by scripture. I did this because it was all I could do.
It has also helped to get it all out! Keeping things in can make a person very sick and bitter. I know that some people read this and I want to thank them for doing so! You, too, are lights in the darkness just for sticking by me!
I also must publicly thank the two people who have responded to my posts; God bless you and keep you! You have been real lights in my darkness and I am grateful for your kind words and compassionate thoughts.
We are ALL called to be lights in the darkness and we all have the potential to be so. No matter how dark life seems, we can always try to be lights- even dim ones- for others. We can remember that doing the smallest thing may bring the greatest amount of comfort to someone who is worse off than we are (and there is ALWAYS someone worse off!).
As Christians we MUST remember this!
Jesus- my All!
Friday, September 28, 2012
A Year Gone By
So, the birthday has come and gone. We attended a First Saturday Mass, a High Sunday Mass and a NO Mass on the day of her birth; these masses were in remembrance of her.
After weeks of dreading her birthday, it wasn't so bad. We went to mass in the morning and then to the cemetery. It was a very hot day and, of the few immediate family members who came to the cemetery, most did not stay long. The only people who could bear the heat were my husband, my mother and me. We said a rosary and then talked a bit. It was hard to feel anything for some reason; at the time I thought that my heart was at peace about it...
After my mom left, I began feeling bad and I cried hard for a while. Again, I kept asking "why" and "what if"... I blamed myself again and then began thinking about the baby I would have in March. I told my husband that I hoped Barbara knows that no one could ever replace her and that was not what I was intending with this "new" baby. I wondered if Barbara knows how much I love her and miss her and if she was watcing over us all.
We stayed for most of the day- just sitting there- talking, remembering, wondering and crying. Because I ended up getting a terrible sunburn (it's that Irish complexion) we had to leave. We thought about going back later but decided to just stay home; the cemetery is an hour away and the weekend had been tough.
It will soon be the anniversary of her death... Monday, in fact. Last Sunday, despite the cold, wet weather, we went to the cemetery. I confessed to my husband that I had been avoiding the cemetery and the whole subject for most of the month. I just haven't been dealing with it when, the whole time, I assumed everything was fine.
The thing is that I am- for the most part- alone when it comes to dealing with things. My husband is gone at least 12 hours a day and my family has not been there for me since the very beginning. I don't have anyone to cry to or lean on. I just have to hold it all together. I feel like I don't have a choice. I feel like I just have to keep going like it never happened because thinking about it is only too painful and I just don't have an outlett for that sort of pain.
The fact that I am pregnant is truly a blessing but it is not without its own implications... I am so afraid of losing this baby. what if he/ she dies? I try to trust in God but I have done this before and look what happened!
My relationship with God has suffered over this past month. I am angry with Him and I don't understand Him at all. I am told that it is not my place to understand and that there is a plan and that He knows what it best for me.
I say this to myself until I can accept it and then something else goes terribly wrong and I am left guessing again. This month my husband was told that he may lose his job in three months. He starts a new project which will determine whether or not they keep him or let him go on the anniversary of Barbara's death. So, I want to ask God when enough will be enough... I want to ask Him whether or not He thinks I deserve a break yet... It is just so hard to believe in a God that is ordered and just when everything seems so chaotic and unfair. Now I have to deal with being pregnant and my husband possibly having no job- thus no income and no insurance- by the time the baby comes. This is just another thing to worry about on top of worrying about whether ot not this baby will be born just to die like my last...
So, I am trying.
Monday there will be a mass for her. As the day approaches I am having a hard time keeping it all together. I don't even want to go to the mass.
When we went to the cemetery, we noticed that the groundspeople- who usually take whatever we leave and throw it in the trash- left the cards her sisters made for her. Because it had been so rainy, they were falling apart. We buried them so that the groundspeople could never take them. We then pulled out the grass that was growing and brushed the grass seed aside because, without the bare spot over her body, there is no way of knowing where she is. We can't afford a stone- or rather, we can't afford a stone plus the useless concrete slab the cemetery charges extra for.
As we were leaving, I looked around at the bigger stones with marble vases and wished we could afford one for her. That way, no one would take what we put in the vases and we could be sure that there was always something there to honor her. The larger stones with the vases are far too expensive for us ever to afford, though, and this makes me mad. Apparently, a person has to be wealthy in order to be properly honored after death... at least this is what the Catholic Cemeteries Association seems to believe. It's just that nothing about her life was fair and now, after death, it is much the same.
All of these things are so painful.
I have been thinking about how we spent this whole month last year in ther NICU and I have been wondering how I was able to deal with it for so long. The NICU was such a terrible place; I don't know how I was able to sit there everyday and deal with it all by myself. I don't know how I was able to be patient while God's will was being done and while everyone around me only wanted her dead. I don't know how I was able to be even a little hopeful while everyone else was so hopeless. I don't know how I kept my faith in such a place that seems so far removed from God.
I have been remembering the walks I would take outside and how I would not let them see me cry because this meant I was weak and they could sense weakness and would pounce on it like lions during a kill... I knew they wanted us to pull the plug and, in the end when things became so hard for me, I was afraid they would get to me at a time of extreme weakness and exhaustion. I knew that they had been whittling away at my hope and strength for weeks and that they were only getting stronger while I only got weaker. I would leave and go outside where no one could find me and I would just sob. I would not go back in until I was done and my face looked as if I hadn't been crying. I went back in pretending to be strong, energetic and full of hope.
The other day, I remembered that my husband was yelled at for having his computer plugged in to a hospital plug while we sat by her as she died. We knew she was dying and they knew she was dying (although they didn't tell us they knew) and my husband was on the computer trying to contact friends and relatives. The thing was that we had been given permission from several nurses and doctors to use the plug... At the time, I felt like throwing up. What kind of a monster would tell the father of a dying baby not to use a plug???? A plug- something that paled in comparison to what was going on- what the father was dealing with. This was a little comfort to him and he couldn't even have it.
That was how it was like.
The truth is that this last month has been very painful and very deifficult. I miss Barbara. Even after a year, I still hurt as if it happened yesterday...
After weeks of dreading her birthday, it wasn't so bad. We went to mass in the morning and then to the cemetery. It was a very hot day and, of the few immediate family members who came to the cemetery, most did not stay long. The only people who could bear the heat were my husband, my mother and me. We said a rosary and then talked a bit. It was hard to feel anything for some reason; at the time I thought that my heart was at peace about it...
After my mom left, I began feeling bad and I cried hard for a while. Again, I kept asking "why" and "what if"... I blamed myself again and then began thinking about the baby I would have in March. I told my husband that I hoped Barbara knows that no one could ever replace her and that was not what I was intending with this "new" baby. I wondered if Barbara knows how much I love her and miss her and if she was watcing over us all.
We stayed for most of the day- just sitting there- talking, remembering, wondering and crying. Because I ended up getting a terrible sunburn (it's that Irish complexion) we had to leave. We thought about going back later but decided to just stay home; the cemetery is an hour away and the weekend had been tough.
It will soon be the anniversary of her death... Monday, in fact. Last Sunday, despite the cold, wet weather, we went to the cemetery. I confessed to my husband that I had been avoiding the cemetery and the whole subject for most of the month. I just haven't been dealing with it when, the whole time, I assumed everything was fine.
The thing is that I am- for the most part- alone when it comes to dealing with things. My husband is gone at least 12 hours a day and my family has not been there for me since the very beginning. I don't have anyone to cry to or lean on. I just have to hold it all together. I feel like I don't have a choice. I feel like I just have to keep going like it never happened because thinking about it is only too painful and I just don't have an outlett for that sort of pain.
The fact that I am pregnant is truly a blessing but it is not without its own implications... I am so afraid of losing this baby. what if he/ she dies? I try to trust in God but I have done this before and look what happened!
My relationship with God has suffered over this past month. I am angry with Him and I don't understand Him at all. I am told that it is not my place to understand and that there is a plan and that He knows what it best for me.
I say this to myself until I can accept it and then something else goes terribly wrong and I am left guessing again. This month my husband was told that he may lose his job in three months. He starts a new project which will determine whether or not they keep him or let him go on the anniversary of Barbara's death. So, I want to ask God when enough will be enough... I want to ask Him whether or not He thinks I deserve a break yet... It is just so hard to believe in a God that is ordered and just when everything seems so chaotic and unfair. Now I have to deal with being pregnant and my husband possibly having no job- thus no income and no insurance- by the time the baby comes. This is just another thing to worry about on top of worrying about whether ot not this baby will be born just to die like my last...
So, I am trying.
Monday there will be a mass for her. As the day approaches I am having a hard time keeping it all together. I don't even want to go to the mass.
When we went to the cemetery, we noticed that the groundspeople- who usually take whatever we leave and throw it in the trash- left the cards her sisters made for her. Because it had been so rainy, they were falling apart. We buried them so that the groundspeople could never take them. We then pulled out the grass that was growing and brushed the grass seed aside because, without the bare spot over her body, there is no way of knowing where she is. We can't afford a stone- or rather, we can't afford a stone plus the useless concrete slab the cemetery charges extra for.
As we were leaving, I looked around at the bigger stones with marble vases and wished we could afford one for her. That way, no one would take what we put in the vases and we could be sure that there was always something there to honor her. The larger stones with the vases are far too expensive for us ever to afford, though, and this makes me mad. Apparently, a person has to be wealthy in order to be properly honored after death... at least this is what the Catholic Cemeteries Association seems to believe. It's just that nothing about her life was fair and now, after death, it is much the same.
All of these things are so painful.
I have been thinking about how we spent this whole month last year in ther NICU and I have been wondering how I was able to deal with it for so long. The NICU was such a terrible place; I don't know how I was able to sit there everyday and deal with it all by myself. I don't know how I was able to be patient while God's will was being done and while everyone around me only wanted her dead. I don't know how I was able to be even a little hopeful while everyone else was so hopeless. I don't know how I kept my faith in such a place that seems so far removed from God.
I have been remembering the walks I would take outside and how I would not let them see me cry because this meant I was weak and they could sense weakness and would pounce on it like lions during a kill... I knew they wanted us to pull the plug and, in the end when things became so hard for me, I was afraid they would get to me at a time of extreme weakness and exhaustion. I knew that they had been whittling away at my hope and strength for weeks and that they were only getting stronger while I only got weaker. I would leave and go outside where no one could find me and I would just sob. I would not go back in until I was done and my face looked as if I hadn't been crying. I went back in pretending to be strong, energetic and full of hope.
The other day, I remembered that my husband was yelled at for having his computer plugged in to a hospital plug while we sat by her as she died. We knew she was dying and they knew she was dying (although they didn't tell us they knew) and my husband was on the computer trying to contact friends and relatives. The thing was that we had been given permission from several nurses and doctors to use the plug... At the time, I felt like throwing up. What kind of a monster would tell the father of a dying baby not to use a plug???? A plug- something that paled in comparison to what was going on- what the father was dealing with. This was a little comfort to him and he couldn't even have it.
That was how it was like.
The truth is that this last month has been very painful and very deifficult. I miss Barbara. Even after a year, I still hurt as if it happened yesterday...
Monday, August 27, 2012
A Time to be Born
I am not sure who reads this; I know at least one person does as I received two lovely emails from someone who read an entry and could relate.
In any case, I have not posted in a while and so I believe I ought to explain why.
First off, I have been blessed with another pregnancy and am now 12 weeks along. Over the past 10 weeks I have been spending time finding the perfect midwives and looking for a decent OB. I have also had to fight my previous OB in order to have my thyroid tested and then treated.
At the same time, my computer broke and is still in parts on my dining room table but, at least for now, it works.
Last June, I began praying fervently about my infertility issue. In July, I was scheduled for an HSG. I began asking St. Rita for her intervention and also asking St. Pio for help because my faith was being challenged in a big way. I went to adoration and had an epiphany about Barbara belonging to God and decided to go to adoration as often as possible. I actually didn't try to become pregnant in June; I had sort of given up. I realized that it was all up to God and nothing I could do could change His will for me. All I could do was pray- and pray I did.
I was shocked when I found out I was pregnant. I was happy, but shocked.
I am so blessed. I know this but my happiness does not exist without fear and sadness... I am reminded of my loss in ways I never thought possible. Being pregnant brings it all back while, at the same time, reminding me that God gives as well as takes away. While I am so happy to be reminded that there are still blessings to be had and happy times to celebrate, I am also often frightened and sad.
I think things that I never thought about before; morbid things like: should I get rid of all the baby clothes I so washed and lovingly folded and put away for Barbara or just get new ones? Should I sew a baptismal gown? If I do and the baby dies, I will feel sad that I have the gown but if I don't and the baby dies, I will also not have something nice to bury the baby in. You see, one thing I regret is not having a gown to have buried Barbara in. So, I decided to pick one out and sew it.
What about the bassinet we bought to Barbara- should I get rid of it and get a new one or use it? After all, it was hers and she is gone. What if using it somehow makes the new baby die? Yes- this is superstitious but I can't help but think this way.
Will the new baby only remind me of Barbara and make me sad? Will I have a hard time bonding with this baby because I will be so afraid of losing it? Will I be over- protective because I am afraid of losing it?
The worst is that, now that my thyroid problem is being treated, I wonder if Barbara would have lived had I been treated while I was pregnant with her. Thinking that being treated would have changed things only makes me blame myself with a new sort of fervor.
Then I have to wonder if Barbara thinks that I have forgotten about her or that she is replaceable. Of course, I know that she is with God and can't be sad but still, I wonder... I am afraid that I will forget her because I will be so happy when I am made a new mother again and forgetting her would be terrible.
Dealing with the judgment and ignorance of other people has also made life difficult. A while back my cousin- operating our of sheer ignorance- begged me not to see a midwife for this baby. You see, someone within my family started a rumor that homebirth killed Barbara and, rather than bother to find out the truth, people have taken delight in propagating this rumor- which is sickening.
I revel at the fact that I have been so blessed and then remind myself that there is no way of knowing how this will turn out. I could have a still- born or the baby could be born sick like Barbara. This baby could have a mental or physical issue and could have to go to the NICU.
Then I think that, if something goes wrong, I want to be closer to another NICU so that I don't have to go back to the one where Barbara died...
At the same time, I am reminded that there is a time for everything. There is a time to mourn and a time for joy; a time for birth and a time to die.
On Labor Day, Barbara would have been turning one. She would have been eating her first cake with her hands and having a good time. She would probably be walking or almost walking. She might have even learned to say a word or two. She would have had a few teeth- at least one...
On October 1, it will be a year since she is dead. This next month will be very hard. If I didn't have this new life growing inside of me, I might- in my human frailty- give in to despair. As it is, though, I can't. I have to eat, I have to sleep, I have to care for myself; there is no other option.
I am not saying that I won't grieve; I will. I will cry a lot. I will feel very sad. I will feel angry. I will ask "why" and "what if"... But I will not be able to let it consume me or become me. I can't.
I can't be all sad when, amidst the grief, I have something special going on that can't stop me from feeling happy. Even if the blessing is a double- edged sword... it is a blessing, none- the - less and who am I to question what the Lord has done?
Again, I am shocked that I am pregnant to begin with... I thank God and St. Rita and St. Pio every day. I now constantly ask St. Rita for help because she is the patron saint of lost causes and I so often feel like a lost cause.
This month will be very difficult for me- I ask for your prayers. I also ask that you bear with me when I do not post and/ or when I post and the post is very sad and graphic. I will not hide my thoughts and feelings because someday, somewhere someone who is hurting like I am may stumble upon this blog and be cheered by the fact that they are not alone and that someone else has been there and has felt that way and is getting through it.
St. Rita- pray for us!
Tuesday, June 26, 2012
Belonging to God
Lately things have been difficult. I have felt very lonely and life has been hard. I have felt doubt and anger and, at times, I have felt very bitter and resentful.
No matter what I feel, I keep up a brave front when it comes to the kids; I never expose my doubt or despair and I always reassure them that their baby sister is in heaven even when I doubt its existence. I still have them pray throughout the day even when I wonder "why bother?".
I do this because I know that they deserve something that I never had- a religious upbringing. There are so many times during the past 10 months when I have told my husband that I would have handled my loss better if I had been given a strong religious foundation; then it would all just be a given- a fact of life. As it is, though, I was not raised to think about God and to incorporate Him into my every second. So, now, as an adult, I struggle. I'm not saying that even people with a solid religious foundation don't struggle at times- we are human, after all. But what I am saying is that I feel at a disadvantage compared to people who were raised knowing that they belong to God.
If one is raised from day 1 with the knowledge that every human being belongs to God, dying is just returning to Him. We come from Him when we are born to our parents- who have been entrusted with our care physically, emotionally and spiritually- and when He wants us back, we go to Him. We never belonged to the world or to our parents and our kids never really belong to us. We all belong to God.
In religion, my kids learn that we are not here to serve and gratify ourselves but instead we are here to know, love and serve God. They are also taught to love God above all things.
I was never taught this. I grew up thinking that I existed for myself and that I should work towards my own happiness at all times. I thought that I deserved to be happy- I had a right to be happy. Whenever I thought about heaven, it was in conjunction with hell because I feared hell rather than wanted to be with God in heaven.
So now, as an adult and a mother in mourning, I am feeling like a cold bucket of water has been thrown at my face; I am experiencing true grief which conflicts with my "right" to be happy. I know that we are never promised happiness in this life but this is something I only recently learned and so realizing it at all times is difficult. I have been fighting it- thinking of it as punishment- thinking that I don't deserve it... I never learned that suffering is a blessing from God that draws us closer to Him. I never learned that I could offer up my sufferings for different causes- the poor souls being one of my favorites. I have to teach myself all of these things now because I never learned them as a child.
Grief is a part of life- for everyone. No one is immune. It really helps to have a solid belief system in place before one must experience grief. So, when I feel doubtful, I don't allow myself to be lenient with the kids when it comes to religion- I want them to have a solid foundation. Maybe this is selfish of me, but it is better than being neglectful of their religious education simply because I have issues. This, I believe, is more selfish- to rob kids of their right to know their Father and, according to scripture, can be a grave sin. My kids will have the tools needed to thrive in any storm and they will grow up knowing that each and every one of us is God's and that the earth is only our temporary home. They will know that grief isn't a bad thing even though it feels bad and that we can always turn it into something beautiful by offering it up and uniting our sufferings with that of Jesus.
Today, during adoration, it hit me: we all belong to God. My children are not mine- they are God's. Barbara was always God's- never mine. She just happened to be in my care for a short time but she was never mine. It hit my in my heart rather than in my brain; it is one thing to parrot this over and over but it is another thing entirely to know it in one's heart. All of my kids belong to God- not me.
I belong to God, too- even when I doubt and feel anger towards Him... I am His and He is my Father.
I still mourn my loss and I will forever but it does help to know that she always belonged to God...
No matter what I feel, I keep up a brave front when it comes to the kids; I never expose my doubt or despair and I always reassure them that their baby sister is in heaven even when I doubt its existence. I still have them pray throughout the day even when I wonder "why bother?".
I do this because I know that they deserve something that I never had- a religious upbringing. There are so many times during the past 10 months when I have told my husband that I would have handled my loss better if I had been given a strong religious foundation; then it would all just be a given- a fact of life. As it is, though, I was not raised to think about God and to incorporate Him into my every second. So, now, as an adult, I struggle. I'm not saying that even people with a solid religious foundation don't struggle at times- we are human, after all. But what I am saying is that I feel at a disadvantage compared to people who were raised knowing that they belong to God.
If one is raised from day 1 with the knowledge that every human being belongs to God, dying is just returning to Him. We come from Him when we are born to our parents- who have been entrusted with our care physically, emotionally and spiritually- and when He wants us back, we go to Him. We never belonged to the world or to our parents and our kids never really belong to us. We all belong to God.
In religion, my kids learn that we are not here to serve and gratify ourselves but instead we are here to know, love and serve God. They are also taught to love God above all things.
I was never taught this. I grew up thinking that I existed for myself and that I should work towards my own happiness at all times. I thought that I deserved to be happy- I had a right to be happy. Whenever I thought about heaven, it was in conjunction with hell because I feared hell rather than wanted to be with God in heaven.
So now, as an adult and a mother in mourning, I am feeling like a cold bucket of water has been thrown at my face; I am experiencing true grief which conflicts with my "right" to be happy. I know that we are never promised happiness in this life but this is something I only recently learned and so realizing it at all times is difficult. I have been fighting it- thinking of it as punishment- thinking that I don't deserve it... I never learned that suffering is a blessing from God that draws us closer to Him. I never learned that I could offer up my sufferings for different causes- the poor souls being one of my favorites. I have to teach myself all of these things now because I never learned them as a child.
Grief is a part of life- for everyone. No one is immune. It really helps to have a solid belief system in place before one must experience grief. So, when I feel doubtful, I don't allow myself to be lenient with the kids when it comes to religion- I want them to have a solid foundation. Maybe this is selfish of me, but it is better than being neglectful of their religious education simply because I have issues. This, I believe, is more selfish- to rob kids of their right to know their Father and, according to scripture, can be a grave sin. My kids will have the tools needed to thrive in any storm and they will grow up knowing that each and every one of us is God's and that the earth is only our temporary home. They will know that grief isn't a bad thing even though it feels bad and that we can always turn it into something beautiful by offering it up and uniting our sufferings with that of Jesus.
Today, during adoration, it hit me: we all belong to God. My children are not mine- they are God's. Barbara was always God's- never mine. She just happened to be in my care for a short time but she was never mine. It hit my in my heart rather than in my brain; it is one thing to parrot this over and over but it is another thing entirely to know it in one's heart. All of my kids belong to God- not me.
I belong to God, too- even when I doubt and feel anger towards Him... I am His and He is my Father.
I still mourn my loss and I will forever but it does help to know that she always belonged to God...
Wednesday, June 20, 2012
Blame
This is the third edit of my original post. I want Dr. Amy's followers to know that they are not welcome on my blog and their presence here makes me sick. Anyone who participates in the expolitation of a mother's grief is sick and anyone like Dr. Amy, who can lie about the death of a child is doubly sick. This blog is about mourning the loss of a child within the context of my faith. If you are not here for this reason, then go away!
This is not my original post but this is the one that began what has been the icing on the cake of a year that has been sheer hell for my family and me. Before this post was referanced and quoted by Dr. Amy, this blog was about dealing with the death of my child, which has seems to be a never- ending battle and something I now know I will have to do for the rest of my life. The thing is that it is nearly impossible to find what one is looking for after the death of a child- true peace and healing.
One thing that I noticed was that the world around me went on while my world stopped. My world would never be the same while everyone else's world just went on to bigger and better things. I could not talk to anyone because the things I felt were- well, embarassing. The few people I turned to could not understand and my husband had to go to work immediately after the death of our child. Life went on.
For me, every day was a constant struggle. At the end of ever day, I'd think to myself- "well, I got through that one..." and then another would come and then another. I was alone. So, I started this blog. I started it because I thought I could say things on this blog that I could not say to anyone in person. I also thought that I could help other people who are going through the same thing. I know that it would have helped me to have had the thoughts and feelings of another grieving mom to read; I would have known, then, that I was not so alone and I would not have felt like such a freak and at least that would have been something. And something is more than nothing.
So, I was brutally honest. I wrote exactly what I felt. I didn't mind puting it out there because I really thought I could do some good for others. I also wanted to write about my faith and my struggle to keep it. It is so hard to keep believing in God when it seems like God has abandonned me. I thought maybe if others saw my struggle, they would not lose faith as I was so trying not to do.
I had no idea my blog would be used in such a way; that my words- so honestly written with pure and decent intent- could be twisted and used against me. I had no idea I was putting myself out there to be ripped apart like that. I had no idea that the memory of my child would be profaned by such a terrible lie and my misery exploited to justify a cause that I want no part in.
Parents who love their kids feel responsible for every decision they make, which is why they think long and hard before making important decisions. Even though we try our very best and pray on things, respearch things, etc., sometimes things don't work out the way we want for out kids. When this happens, we blame ourselves. It doesn't matter how many people tell us that we did our best, that it is not our fault- giref defies all logic and we blame ourselves.
My first baby was born in the hospital under the care of negligent OBs. She nearly died and spent her first few weeks in the local NICU. She was heavily medicated for the first year of her life because the brain damage she sustained as a result of physician negligence. I blamed myself. If only I had found different OBs... if only I had said "no" to the epidural... If only I had been able to push through the lips... it just had to be my fault- something I did while I was pregnant, perhaps. Maybe I didn't try hard enough.
My second baby was born via elective section because another OB (resident) told me it would be the safest thing. I didn't want to go through my first birth experience again so I elected to have the section. During the section, the OB on call yelled at the resident because I was almost ready to push and should not have had the section. When I saw my son pulled up out of my opened abdomen, I began to cry. He was cold and he was crying and it just wasn't how I wanted him to be born. He was with strangers as he cried for his mom. I blamed myself. I failed. If only I had said "no"; if only I had been brave; if only I had remembered all that I had read... I let my fear take over.
My guilt soon turned into depression and the fact that, months later, I was still in pain from the surgery only made things worse. I still wish I had made a different decision. I love my son and I feel as if I failed him just like I failed my oldest.
My fourth baby was born at home. She was born at home but that was not what killed her. what killed her was physician ineptitude and negligence because the physician I was seeing throughout the pregnancy dropped the ball on so many things. Even so, I blame myself- just like I do for the other two- HOSPITAL- births. It is important that people know what killed my child because I do not want a lie to ruin the memory of her.
What was different about this birth, though, was the fact that other people blamed me. Even though an entire team of neonatologists and, more recently, an OB and another neonatologist have proven my innocence (and that of birth at home), people who do not bother to find out the truth and the facts have taken it upon themselves to judge and blame.
This further isolates a grieving parent and only multiplies her own sense of guilt and blame because, like I said, grief defies all logic.
I know that only God can judge me and I will have to answer for anything I have done in this life when I move on to the next. I know that, if we judge, we can expect to be judged as harshly as we have judged... It isn't anyone else's right to judge me and it isn't anyone else's right to capitalize on my misery and the death of my child.
This blog is not about birth at home. It does not defend birth at home or insult it. It is about the grief a mother feels after a child dies. It has been turned into something else entirely, though, with over 800 hits on the post that used to be in this posts place. Over 800 hits and ONE compassionate reader. I wonder if any of the readers who wanted a good bit of drama and who wanted to salivate over a good story got what they wanted... If so, they have to know that their satisfaction has been at my expense and, as a result, they should feel ashamed of themselves and put some thought into Dr. Amy's methods and motives.
No one has the right to judge the motives of parents who do what they believe is best for their children. It is sad to think that we live in a world where parents can be informally charged with the death of their child simply because they do not behave in a way that is acceptable to Dr. Amy and her readers.
This is not my original post but this is the one that began what has been the icing on the cake of a year that has been sheer hell for my family and me. Before this post was referanced and quoted by Dr. Amy, this blog was about dealing with the death of my child, which has seems to be a never- ending battle and something I now know I will have to do for the rest of my life. The thing is that it is nearly impossible to find what one is looking for after the death of a child- true peace and healing.
One thing that I noticed was that the world around me went on while my world stopped. My world would never be the same while everyone else's world just went on to bigger and better things. I could not talk to anyone because the things I felt were- well, embarassing. The few people I turned to could not understand and my husband had to go to work immediately after the death of our child. Life went on.
For me, every day was a constant struggle. At the end of ever day, I'd think to myself- "well, I got through that one..." and then another would come and then another. I was alone. So, I started this blog. I started it because I thought I could say things on this blog that I could not say to anyone in person. I also thought that I could help other people who are going through the same thing. I know that it would have helped me to have had the thoughts and feelings of another grieving mom to read; I would have known, then, that I was not so alone and I would not have felt like such a freak and at least that would have been something. And something is more than nothing.
So, I was brutally honest. I wrote exactly what I felt. I didn't mind puting it out there because I really thought I could do some good for others. I also wanted to write about my faith and my struggle to keep it. It is so hard to keep believing in God when it seems like God has abandonned me. I thought maybe if others saw my struggle, they would not lose faith as I was so trying not to do.
I had no idea my blog would be used in such a way; that my words- so honestly written with pure and decent intent- could be twisted and used against me. I had no idea I was putting myself out there to be ripped apart like that. I had no idea that the memory of my child would be profaned by such a terrible lie and my misery exploited to justify a cause that I want no part in.
Parents who love their kids feel responsible for every decision they make, which is why they think long and hard before making important decisions. Even though we try our very best and pray on things, respearch things, etc., sometimes things don't work out the way we want for out kids. When this happens, we blame ourselves. It doesn't matter how many people tell us that we did our best, that it is not our fault- giref defies all logic and we blame ourselves.
My first baby was born in the hospital under the care of negligent OBs. She nearly died and spent her first few weeks in the local NICU. She was heavily medicated for the first year of her life because the brain damage she sustained as a result of physician negligence. I blamed myself. If only I had found different OBs... if only I had said "no" to the epidural... If only I had been able to push through the lips... it just had to be my fault- something I did while I was pregnant, perhaps. Maybe I didn't try hard enough.
My second baby was born via elective section because another OB (resident) told me it would be the safest thing. I didn't want to go through my first birth experience again so I elected to have the section. During the section, the OB on call yelled at the resident because I was almost ready to push and should not have had the section. When I saw my son pulled up out of my opened abdomen, I began to cry. He was cold and he was crying and it just wasn't how I wanted him to be born. He was with strangers as he cried for his mom. I blamed myself. I failed. If only I had said "no"; if only I had been brave; if only I had remembered all that I had read... I let my fear take over.
My guilt soon turned into depression and the fact that, months later, I was still in pain from the surgery only made things worse. I still wish I had made a different decision. I love my son and I feel as if I failed him just like I failed my oldest.
My fourth baby was born at home. She was born at home but that was not what killed her. what killed her was physician ineptitude and negligence because the physician I was seeing throughout the pregnancy dropped the ball on so many things. Even so, I blame myself- just like I do for the other two- HOSPITAL- births. It is important that people know what killed my child because I do not want a lie to ruin the memory of her.
What was different about this birth, though, was the fact that other people blamed me. Even though an entire team of neonatologists and, more recently, an OB and another neonatologist have proven my innocence (and that of birth at home), people who do not bother to find out the truth and the facts have taken it upon themselves to judge and blame.
This further isolates a grieving parent and only multiplies her own sense of guilt and blame because, like I said, grief defies all logic.
I know that only God can judge me and I will have to answer for anything I have done in this life when I move on to the next. I know that, if we judge, we can expect to be judged as harshly as we have judged... It isn't anyone else's right to judge me and it isn't anyone else's right to capitalize on my misery and the death of my child.
This blog is not about birth at home. It does not defend birth at home or insult it. It is about the grief a mother feels after a child dies. It has been turned into something else entirely, though, with over 800 hits on the post that used to be in this posts place. Over 800 hits and ONE compassionate reader. I wonder if any of the readers who wanted a good bit of drama and who wanted to salivate over a good story got what they wanted... If so, they have to know that their satisfaction has been at my expense and, as a result, they should feel ashamed of themselves and put some thought into Dr. Amy's methods and motives.
No one has the right to judge the motives of parents who do what they believe is best for their children. It is sad to think that we live in a world where parents can be informally charged with the death of their child simply because they do not behave in a way that is acceptable to Dr. Amy and her readers.
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