A lot has changed over the past few years. I'm not going to get into all that has happened because I am just no longer able to spill my heart out to strangers anymore.

Many people who stumble upon this blog do so on account of a very nasty (former) OB- "Dr. Amy" who takes pride in kicking families while already down. This woman doesn't bother to check sources; she preys upon pain and suffering and uses it to further her very misguided agenda. The bottom line is that this woman is cruel beyond belief and anyone who allies with her shares in her cruelty.

For those of you who have come to delight in the just punishment I received on account of my negligence: you will be sorely disappointed. Tests have confirmed that my child had listeria; my punishment for eating a healthy variety of fruits (melons) and vegetables. However, she died as a result of negligence on the part of the medical staff that were supposed to be caring for her. Her PIC line had never been cleaned and was still in long after antibiotics were discontinued.

People can be very cruel. I never thought that people had the capacity to be so cruel and uncaring. It is so sad that someone who is experiencing the worst kind of pain is only made to feel more.

My entire outlook on life and on humanity is very much changed as a result of this cruelty. So, to those of you who have participated in the cruelty about which I speak: congratulations! You win!

I thought about deleting this blog because it makes me feel sick that my feelings are still at a "place" in which people can take sadistic delight. I can still be mocked, jeered at, used, etc. What people don't get is that it doesn't stop at me; anything you do to me, you do to the memory of my dead child. Your filth spreads much farther than you can imagine.

However, If I can help just ONE person get through what I went through; if I can speak to just one person- I will gladly keep myself and mt most intimate feelings and thought "out there. " That's what it was all about to begin with.

I didn't have any help. I didn't have anyone to tell me that my feelings were OK and that I had the right to express them. I never had someone say that they could relate. I was all alone and no one should have to go through the mourning process alone. NO ONE.

And if I let the fear of being attacked get in my way, I am not being as courageous and strong as my child would want me to be- in her honor and in her place- because she hasn't a voice.

I hope that this blog might help just one person.

The only two things I have to add now- years later- is that I should have allowed myself to get mad. I was so hell- bent on believing that there was a reason and that it was all part of God's plan and that I had no right to question His plan. Nonsense. Expressing anger in a healthy way is fat better than turning it inward where it festers and eats away at sanity and soul.

If you have lost a child, it's OK to feel angry. It's OK to yell and scream and punch a pillow. It's OK. It's OK to question your situation. It's OK to feel whatever it is you are feeling. You aren't crazy, abnormal, or bad.

Second, although it may seem like you won't live through your pain- you will. I can tell you that the pain may never go away but it will get significantly less; it will become manageable: a dull ache compared to a searing, stabbing pain. You will go on. Somehow, you will.

As always, I will read and respond to all (kind) messages. If you are from the Dr. Amy camp, don't bother. I only have one thing to say to you- and it isn't nice or kind... but, since you have a monopoly on nasty and unkind, I am going to say it- and it is going to feel good. For the rest of you, I am sorry to disappoint you- but I do have feelings and sometimes there is only way way to express them- and it isn't pretty, quiet or sweet- so avert your eyes.

So, I bid every kind soul farewell.

To the Dr. Amy camp: Fuck you- you sadistic, evil, vile, nasty, self- important, ignorant pigs! 

Great Success with my Emile Henry Flame Stone!

So, I tried the stone... it worked wonderfully!

There was lots of good oven spring (rising in the oven) and the loaf turned out a lovely dark gold color and the slash marks expanded beautifully. I used a broiler pan for steam as suggested in the recipe that came with the stone; this was a great idea as I used to use a cast iron skillet that didn't always work so well.

I have to say that I am very pleased with my Emile Henry Flame Stone. I can't wait to use it to poach salmon!

One thing I forgot was that a peel would have come in handy... I didn't think of needing a way to get the risen bread on the stone until it was time to do so... by then, the best option  was to use a well- floured,  upside- down cookie sheet... Because I am kind of clumbsey, it didn't work out as smoothly as I would have liked but it did work out in the end. So, if you are going to get a stone- get a peel as well!

A New Gadget

I thought I'd reserve Friday for gadgets but I have a new gadget that I am trying out today for the first time- which is very exicitng.

Today I am going to use my Emile Henry Flame Baking Stone. My husband kept telling me that he would order me a baking stone but,  since this has not happened, I decided to take advantage of finding one at a local store (and using a 20% off coupon).

I am making "Broom Bread" from Peter Reinhart's Whole Grain Breads...

So far I know very little about my new gadget... I know that it can be used on a grill as well as in the oven which makes it a multi- tasker (a must!). I know that I saved $15.00 with my coupon and that it was the only one left at the store.

More on bread and baking later when I have more to report on the new gadget!

Hypothyroid and Pregnancy

I want to say- first off- that I still fel badly burned by the Dr. Amy incident and being open and honest on this blog has become an issue for me. I am still not sure if I will keep it or delete it; I am just going day by day- like I have been doing over the past year.

On the one hand, I am always concerned that what I write will be twisted and exploited to fit some cause with which I do not agree and this makes it very hard to be open and trusting. My heart is really not in it, anymore.

On the other hand, if I can make just one mother feel better and feel less alone and less of a freak then it will all be worth it. At this point, though, I don't know if anyone, other than fans of Dr. Amy have red my blog and therefore I feel as if I haven't helped anyone except Dr. Amy (which as never my intention). So, I am just not sure if it is worth it anymore.

But, here I am.

I am thankful that I was FINALLY formally diagnosed with a Hashimoto's Thyroiditus last Summer but I have to say that being diagnosed doesn't make the symptoms go away and niether does it take away the sting felt every time I think about the fact that I had this during my last pregnancy and it never got treated.

I want to say, first off, that I like to be a healthy, active person. I don't like taking medicine and I don't like being sick or weak. I am very much into preventative medicine and believe that most diseases can be prevented as long as one eats well, exercises and abstains from harmful, sinful and destructive behavior.  I have also always been a very thin person my whole life and so, once I started gaining weight despite an impeccable diet and exercise I began to grow concerned. I also could not lose any baby weight although I was about 5 months postpartum.

Along with the weight gain, I began to feel very tired- I had never felt this way before and it was very distressing. I also began experiencing occular migraines three or four times a day. I lost my appetite and, in general, just felt bad.

Eventually, I went to my doctor who offered to prescribe anti- depressants. I told him that I was not depressed and that was that. So, I just thought I must be crazy and tried to just get over it. But I never did and things only got worse.

My mood became erratic and I was often vert irrational. My husband no longer recognized me and could not understand what was going on. Again, I went to the doctor and was told that I had to eat better and exercise more. I told him that I was vegetarian, only ate whole- grains, baked my own bread and walkd 5 miles a day but, apparently it wasn't good enough.

I joined Weight Watchers and found that I could not eat enough to get enough points.... I became obsessed about what I put into my body and I exercised constantly but nothing got better.

Then I became pregnant after months of trying (a first) and things really went downhill. I could not even get out of bed. I hated myself for being so lazy and became very depressed. I went to the doctor who ran some blood work but I never heard back from him. I tried to access my records online but, due to a clerical error, I could not access my records. I saw him several times, though, and he never said anything. So began my own, personal thyroid hell.

All I could do was sleep. I couldn't think. I couldn't cook or bake. I couldn't sew. I couldn't read. I couldn't do anything. I didn't want to eat anything. My hair was so dry that I could only wash it every one or two weeks. My skin was dry and flaking all over the place. There are parts of the pregnancy that I can't remember; it is like I blacked out for parts of it. My husband did not recognize me; my friends did not recognize me. My waking temperature was around 96. 8-9* but rarely above 97*.  During the day my temperature did not get above 98*.

Then Barbara was born...

A month and a half after she died, I finally got access to my medical records so began what was to become the most redicuous and terrible 9 months of my life.

You see, no one can agree on recommended ranges for any thyroid hormone or for TSH. Moreover, some docs only look at the TSH and nothing else. Others look at TSH and FT4 but refuse to believe in "subclinical hypothyroidism." So, many people- mostly women- are not being diagnosed and/ or treated for low- thyroid function and, of these women, by the time they are diagnosed and thus treated, most will already be dealing with a severe thyroid problem that warrants more than just taking a pill.

Like me, I have a nodule on my thyroid now that will have to be removed and tested for cancer. I didn't have that nodule last year... I may not have ever had it had I been diagnosed and treated properly. I also have to be on a very large dose of Synthroid whereas, if I had been diagnosed and treated properly from the begining, I may not have required such a large dose. Not that the Synthroid really works, anyhow, but that is the making of another post...

At least I am on something, though. At least the bare minimum is being done for this baby which is more than was done for Barbara.

Why is it so important to monitor thyroid activity during pregnancy? Well, first off, because thyroid problems often manifest in women either during pregnancy or postpartum due to fluctuating hormones and stress put on the thyroid in general during pregnancy. The thyroid is especially stressed during the first trimester when it must not only function for mom but also provide thyroid hormones for baby as well, who can not make his/ her own yet.

In general, having a sluggish thyroid can cause blood sugar issues, weight issues, cholesterol issues and can supress the immune system. These issues would create problems for anyone but expecially for the pregnant woman. In general, having a sluggish thyroid can make a person feel... well...awful.

There is not much known about the thyroid in general, though, because it has only been seriously studied by main- stream medical people for abouty 10- 15 years- most likely because women are the main victims of thyroid disorders. (Side note: I have no doubt that if the thyroid affected the a woman's breast breast size or a man's ability to achieve full erection, we'd have a plethora of information about it but, as it is...) Also, blood tests to detect blood serum levels of thyroid hormones T3 and T4 are a rather recent innovation and thus it has only recently become understood that more than TSH  indicates thyroid function (or dysfunction). Last but not least, thyroid problems are becoming more common. In my own life, my best friend has Hashimoto's and so do several other women I know. Some people are describing thyroid problems as "epidemic" although I don't know if I'd go that far... I guess medical people are now thinking that it may be a good time to start learning more about the thyroid and how it works or why it doesn't work.

While there is no much known about the thyroid in general, there is very little known about the thyroid and pregnancy. What IS known is that it can cause infertility issues, miscarriage and lower IQ in children under 5. It is thought, however, that, in severe cases, maternal thyroid problems can cause fetal malformations depending on how bad the thyroid condition is and at what stage of fetal development the problem exists. Due to the fact that mom's immune system is already not working up to par during pregancy, it also makes sense that a sluggish thyroid would only make things worse... Also, since hypothyroidism causes weight gain/ obesity, it further puts mom at risk for a comlicated labor and infections such as GBS. In any case, it is no laughing matter.

Now, I don't rely on doctors to tell me whether or not my thyroid is functioning properly. While I need them to order the bloodwork and prescribe the medication, I don't need them to interpret my results. Never again will I allow a doctor to decide whether or not I am healthy... This is the biggest lesson I have learned as a result of losing Barbara.

I read as much as I can- I read blogs, journal articles, web sites, books, etc. I come prepared when I visit any doctor and have information in hand. I look over my own blood work- ALL of it. This time, for example, iron- definciency anemia was over looked by my OB but showed up on lowly Tallquist papers.

I would highly recommend that any pregnant woman learn about thyroid problems and go over her bloodwork herself. I truly believe that my thyroid problem contributed to the illness and death of Barbara and, if I had it to do all over again, I'd be hyper- vigilant about my thyroid. Please learn from me!

For women who are trying to get pregnant, GET YOUR THYROID TESTED! Before subjecting yourself to invasive procedures like an HSG, etc, get the thyroid tested! Thyroid problems can cause infertility issues and issues that contribute to infertility (make sense?).

For more information, please see Stop the Thyroid Madness.

God Bless!

Dinner and Gadgets- The Stick Blender

I am sorry to say that I have not made any good dinners this week except for Monday, when I made poached salmon, millet, broccoli and spaghetti squash. Other than that, I have made nothing at all since we did not go shopping last weekend. I am planning on baking some banana- seed muffins and whole wheat sugar and spritz cookies over the weekend, though.

One thing that I notice every time I turn on the TV is that there are lots of gadgets for sale. Also, if one is into cooking, one can't help but feat over the myriad of "helpful" gadgets available that the home cook absolutely "needs".

If one has money enough to buy these gadgets- great! But for those of us of modest means (ie. poor) or those of us who are trying to live simply (by choice or chance), the fact that we can't have everything we "need" can be upsetting.

I have a few gadgets; I have accumulated them over the past 10 years or so. Some have been truly useful while most have not served any great purpose for any significant length of time. I think I'd like to blog about some of the gadgets I have in order to help others who are thinking about getting some of these gadgets.

The kitchen gadget that has been the most useful is the Stick Blender. I now own a Cuisinart stick blender that is OK but I think that the Kitchen- Aid I used to have  worked much better- until it literally sparked a few times and then died in my hands (scary!).

I make lots of soups and I like to make apple sauce and apple butter for canning. The stick blender can also make baby food, smoothies and shakes in a flash. I find that it is much easier to use a stick blender for pureeing than it is to use a blender or food processor and puree in batches. Clean up is quick and easy- which is an added bonus.

The Kitchen- Aid blender had variable speeds/ strengths and I could use it even when I had a small amount of something to puree because the blade was lower and thus could get closer to the bottom of whatever it was I was pureeing. It did the job perfectly and there was never any pieces of anything left after I pureed.  However, I am still afraid to get another Kitchen- Aid model because it really was very scary when it began to spark like crazy while I was using it...

My Cuisinart Model has not sparked and died as of yet but it just doesn't do as good of a job as my Kitchen- Aid did. It seems like it takes forever to puree anything and often there are lots of tiny pieces left over. It also has only one speed and the blade is higher up than the Kitchen- Aid, making it difficult to puree small amounts of things. Still, it is the gadget I use the most in the kitchen and it has been well- worth the cost.

So, if you are looking for a useful gadget that will be well- worth the expense, a stick blender may be the right gadget for you. They are not very expensive considering how usefull they are... 

Dinner- Cooking as part of my Vocation

My mom and dad divorced when I was 8. Before that, my father lived in another city (where there was work) and we only ever saw him on holidays and weekends. When he did come home, though, he cooked everything and anything and I always looked forward to his meals. For him, cooking was an art form- something to be enjoyed. He made waffles, pancakes, roasted corn soup and could grill anything. I remember him even making liver and tongue once... I remember not wanting to eat it but, in the end, thinking that it really wasn't so bad.

My mom hated to cook. She was also very busy and very miserable because she had to work all day and then come home to three unruly kids. While we were used to my dad not living at home, after the divorce we had to deal with the fact that we would rarely ever get to have dad cook for us. Oh- how we suffered! My mom's idea of homemade was Wyler's Soup Starter with chilcken that was too tough to chew (it was like gum), Campbell's Soup, Tater Tots, hotdogs (on a good day- hotdogs with cheese) and an iceberg lettuce salad. She tried, though. On Sundays she'd make pot roast or cheesy- chicken casserole... some people looked forward to Sunday dinner whereas we did not!

We had to eat, though, and she had to feed us. She was stressed out, lacked time and hated cooking... all these things combined made her a fairly terrible cook. But, in the end, our bellies were full and for this I am truly grateful.

I stay at home with my kids and so things like cooking are just part of my "job". I also love cooking. I never looked at cooking for my kids as merely making something to just fill their bellies- the food I make is comforting and nourishing and also an expression of love. I put my heart into what I cook. While I prepare my meals, I ask God to bless all who will eat the food and I always put 100% of myself into cooking and meal planning. Cooking is just one aspect of my vocation- the vocation of being a mom- and I mean to do it well- always- for my family and for God. Not only does it give me pleasure to please my family but also to do things to the best of my ability in order to please God.

I make a grocery list and shop according to the list- this saves money and means less waste. I try to buy organinc and, if I stick with my list and buy only raw foods, I find that this is entirely possible. I don't buy cookies, boxed foods, etc. and I only buy meat for two meals a week and fish for one. I buy veggies and grains, mainly.

I also like to cook in bulk so that I can freeze left- overs for a busy day or for a day when I just don't feel like cooking. I think about what my kids like, if one of them is sick and what the weather is like.

I have also become good friends with my crock pot, which has been very helpful.

So, as I am smelling dinner cooking in the crock pot, I feel motivated to write a bit about dinner. Maybe someone will read my entries and want a recipe... I don't know. Maybe the sound of what I make will move others to cook and learn to love to cook.

So, tonight I am making: Creamy Hummus Soup, roasted red- skinned potatoes, zucchini and yellow squash with brown rice pilaf, frenched green beans with almonds with a tomato and greens salad (and carrot sticks, of course).

Last night, I made whole- wheat spaetzel with carmelized onions and meat balls, frenched green beans with almonds and a tomato/ mozzerella salad and sweet potato (not with the salad).

Sewing Modest Clothes for Kids

Ahhh, the circus decending on my blog from the skeptical OB appears to be letting up and I can get back to the real business of this blog.

I learned to sew a few years ago when I could not find decent clothes for my girls to wear; I could not believe how rampant the sexualization of young people had become and, even if the world thought (thinks) it is OK, it is not OK according to sacred scripture and to the Church and it was not OK by me! Aside from the moral justifications, there is the fact that women and girls are people- not objects identified only by the fact that we can give sexual pleasure to men...

So, I got out my grandmother's 1970 Singer Stylist and began trying to sew. I still refer to this machine as "The Beast" because it could sew through ANYTHING  and its motor was shot so there was absolutely no way to control the speed. For someone new to sewing, using it was somewhat frightening- it was loud, strong and impossible to control.

At first, I was terrible at sewing. I didn't know what "facings"were and so, at one point, I sewed them on the outside of a garment. I had a hard time figuring bias tape out and had no idea that different fabrics called for using different needles. I also did not know anything about "drape" or that certain fabrics are great for one thing but terrible for others. In short, the things I made- though made with love- were disasters! It was very frustrating.

Now, there are a good many tutorials online that are useful and very helpful.

As a result of my past failures, I have decided to pass on some advice to other moms who sew or are thinking about sewing for their children.

First off, for every- day wear, it is best to get the simplest patterns available. While it is tempting to take advantage of 99 cent pattern sales, I have found that, for the most part, these cheap and very cute patterns sit around and accumulate dust while other, more practical and easy- to- sew patterns are used. Remember, you are sewing an entire wardrobe- or most of the wardrobe- and may have more than one child for whom to sew. Pleats, tucks, ribbons, rick- rack and bows can be added to simple things to make them look more dressy and complex so you are not losing out by investing in patterns that are simple, practical and concise. Think EASY.

Buy patterns that are either multi- sized or buy the same pattern in different sizes for each child; that way you can easily sew the same pattern for different children at the same time. Cut all at once and sew all at once- become a one person assembly line. Sew the bodices at once, the sleeves in at once, etc. This will make things go much quicker.

Another advantage to buying multi- sized patterns is that you can get years of use out of one pattern- this will save time and money; time because you will know how to sew the pattern already and money because you won't have to get a new pattern as the child grows. This leads me to tracing. I buy nylon tracing paper at Jo- Ann (get it while it is on sale or when I have a coupon) in 20- yard increments that way I have plenty on hand at all times. It is sturdy and inexpensive when bought on sale. I trace the size I need thus preserving the pattern for future use. I store each traced size in sandwich bags for future use.

It is really wonderful to buy patterns printed on PAPER. While this may sound trivial, it really does save time and frustration. There is nothing like unfolding delicate tissue paper (and possibly having to iron it to get the kinks out), trying to find the pieces needed and then trying to fold it back up again (without killing it) for future use. This is really no fun and, at times, has caused me to procrastinate when it come to tracing. It is so easy to use paper patterns! Trust me!

When you are making clothes for kids, it is time consuming and so it is nice to be able to extend the wardrobe, so to speak, so that what you make will not get boring and can be made to seem as if you have made much more. Does this make sense? For example, I like to make dresses and aprons for my girls. The dress/ apron combos match and can be combined in many different combinations to make the outfit look new and exciting. I also make sure that everything I make matches so that everything can be combined. The same goes for blouses, vests and skirts (my kids are on a vest kick).

One thing to consider is that kids play. They play in trees and in the dirt and in the kitchen... So, things get dirty. This can be a problem when you make your own clothes and probably don't have three different outfits for each day of the week. Also, if you are like me or your kids are like mine, you don't/ can't use harsh laundry detergents to get out stains. So, in order to protect pretty dresses, I make aprons (smocks or "tool aprons for my boy) to go over them. Aprons are very quick and easy to make and so can be made in a jiffy. You can make five arpons for every one dress. Also, aprons can be made out of ugly or very cheap fabric because, after all, they serve a purpose and that purpose is to take a beating instead of the dress! Old fashion, maybe- but also very practical. Aprons are also good for older girls who are beginning to blossom; an apron or vest helps to retain modesty at a very awkward age.

I buy fabric when it is on sale and at no other time. I have found that, as the price of fabric increases, the quality tends to decrease... this makes me even less likely to pay full price for it. I go to the store with yardages in hand, that way I know what I need and get only that. This also ensures that I will not buy on impulse, which almost never ends well. I make sure I get buttons, zippers, thread, etc, as well because there is nothing much worse than nearly completing something only to find that I am lacking in the deal- closers, so to speak. I also like to have bias tape on hand as this is something that has held me back from finsishing things on several occasions. (You can make your own bias as well but I'll save that for a different post).

So, what patterns can I recommend? For every- day, practical, modest clothing, I recommend Candle on the Hill. Their garments are modest but don't look too Amish (not that there is anything wrong with Amish only I am not Amish). They are not complicated and easy to sew. The directions are concise and easy to understand and I can make up a nice dress in no time at all. Yet the garments are professional looking, neat and MODEST. Their patterns are printed on paper and are generously multi- sized. The company is owned by friendly Christian folk who are willing to answer questions via email. I have never had any reason to complain about their service- it is quick and friendly. I like all of their patterns but one pattern in particular I like is the culottes pattern; it is modest but still allows girls to run and play without being immodest. I highly recommend their patterns.

Friends Patterns is another option but I have found that the directions for sewing their clothes are very confusing and sewing the garments themselves can be frustrating. Also, they offer very few generously multi- sized patterns and sizing can be tricky. On the up- side, they print their patterns on paper and offer a sizable selection of modest clothing patterns.

If you can't sew but want reasonably priced, modest clothing, I recommend The King's Daughters- a company owned by the daughters of the Candle on the Hill folks. They offer a huge selection of ready- sewn, modest clothing at a very reasonable price; you can even send them your own fabric to use.

Sense and Sensibility Patterns offers patterns for beautiful period garments that are also printed on paper. While all of the children's patterns I bought have been modest, I have had to adapt the women's patterns at times to make them more modest. Most of their patterns are fairly easy to sew with some being more difficult than others. The difficulty level of individual patterns is usually described on the site, though. Some of these dresses, while not difficult to sew,  take longer to sew than other patterns and thus are not always practical. However, it is always good to have one or two "Church Dresses" or " Party Dresses" and these patterns are just the thing! There are always hints when it comes to making things more dressy and the descriptions provided that describe the dress of the time (Edwardian, Regency, etc) are very interesting and educational. I made my daughter's First Communion dress from a Sense and Sensibility pattern and it was easy to sew and looked lovely. These patterns are also generously multi- sized and the owner is available to answer questions via email. There is a "show and tell" section of the site that is delightful to look at and great for getting ideas. The owner also offers online classes for some of her dresses. One pattern I highly recommend is the "Pinafore and Pantalettes" because it provides modesty in the summer (when girls are climbing trees, etc.) and warmth in the winter.