Introduction

I used to read other blogs and wonder why and how people could post such personal stuff on the internet for everyone to see. I thought that someone who could share such personal thoughts and feelings with just anyone probably has some issues or, at least, has narcissistic tendencies. I no longer can think this way because I now know how terrible and lonely life can be and so I can understand (to some extent) why people write the things they do online. I also think that it is easier to write things for an audience of strangers than it is to tell people something face- to- face. Unfortunately, in our society, we have an issue with being honest about our feelings and also have an issue with personal space and closeness. I suppose this can drive someone to feel better about posting things online rather than telling people things in real life.

I must identify myself as a Catholic because there is just no way of getting around it; if it isn't an issue at the beginning, it will be one as blog entries are published because practicing Catholics are... well... different. It is just as much a culture as it is a religion- especially if one is trying in earnest to live their religion. Catholicism permeates every aspect of my existence and- to a large extent- makes me who I am. I am inseparable from the Church and she is inseparable from me.

Catholics don't believe that dead people become angels; angels are pure spirits that were created before people existed. They are not people and people are not angels; people can never be angels. People die and their souls are always the soul of a human being. This is one thing that sets Catholics apart from followers of other religions. Catholics believe that people go to heaven, purgatory or hell when they die. We also believe that the body dies but the soul does not. We believe that, in the end, our souls will be reunited with our bodies and affirm this every time we say certain prayers; it is actually an important tenant in our belief system. So, things like this are obviously issues when it comes to talking about death with non- Catholics.

So it is hard to hear well- meaning people tell me all about how my baby girl is now an angel... It is also hard to hear people tell me that God knows best and that He has a plan for us when, even though I know this is true, my heart is breaking. There has been a lot that has gone on over the past 6 months that has shaken my faith and has changed my life forever. I think of my faith as a life- saving raft that I must cling to in very stormy seas. This analogy has helped me to hang on even when life seemed unbearable and my humanity gets the best of me.

The death of my four- week old baby girl has changed every aspect of my existence. Nothing is the same. I find that I can't relate to anyone anymore and that I have had to deal with this more- or- less alone because no one "knows what to say". Being so alone in my grief, I have realized that all I have is God; that all else is temporary and fleeting. This is very comforting but also inspires a feeling of extreme desolation. I feel very isolated.

My pastor has been very kind to my husband and I; he prays for us everyday and has met with us when things got really bad. He drove an hour each way to visit my baby in the NICU and to administer "anointing of the sick." It was wonderful to have a messenger of God in such a Godless place. But I have found that women who used to smile and say "hello" to me now just avoid me and stay as far away as possible. It is as if they believe that death is catching. This has hurt. I had hoped to find some support within my parish community but I am finding that this is not going to happen. It seems that some Catholics have forgotten the command to love each other.

So many good things are happening to other people and, although I am happy for them, I just can't relate. I feel so left out. I can't even speak with my best friend anymore. She is so happy and I believe that I can't pretend that things are OK anymore. I don't want to bring her down.

I feel very angry with the doctors, with my family and with God. There is no way of coming to terms with such a loss and it seems so cruel and incomprehensible that God should see fit to take away small babies from the arms of their parents. I know that He does, though, constantly. When I visit my baby at the cemetery, I see hundreds of graves belonging to babies and very small children and I think "what kind of God is this?" I think about each of these parents and the heartache they feel; their tears could easily fill up an ocean. Then I think about all the other baby graves in the US and then all around the world and I know that I am not alone in my grief; there are millions of other mothers in my position.

I pray that these mothers have support and are comforted by friends and family but I am sure that many are not. I am sure that many of these mothers feel much like I do: alone. The mere fact that we have lost babies seems to necessarily separate us from those who haven't lost babies. NO ONE can understand unless they have gone through the same loss.

So, I have decided to break my silence in a very public way. I hope that other mothers will find this blog and read it and understand that they are not alone- that I am thinking of them and praying for them and that we are united in our grief. I also want to express my thoughts and feelings so that others who think and feel the same things will know that they are not nuts and that someone out there understands. It is so hard to say certain things because we are just expected to go about things quietly and most people expect us to just "get over it."

Some of the things I will write will be very personal and embarrassing. I don't mind exposing myself in this way as long as other women may be helped and comforted and may know that they are not alone!

I must remember how Our Blessed Mother, pregnant herself, journeyed to Elizabeth's home in order to provide her with comfort and care. I must remember that she did not think about her own situation or discomfort but instead thought only of her cousin. I must also remember that Jesus commands us to care for each other and love each other and, right now- in my weakened state- this is the best I can do to express my love for my fellow man (or woman).

Blessed be God forever!