Last Sunday was Palm Sunday; the beginning of Holy Week.
While I am usually moved to tears during Mass, I actually found myself sobbing last Sunday as a result of the responsorial hymn being "My God, Why have you forsaken me" because this is how I have so often felt these past 6 months. i have felt truly abandoned at times- not just by God but pretty much by anyone else I love and with whom I have been close.
Ironically, a little passage in our bulletin (yes, I read the bulletin!) spoke to the fact that everyone suffers but that people should never have to suffer alone; family members should offer support to other family members who are suffering. Supporting suffering family members was suggested as a proper Holy Week activity and goal.
While this is right and is a step in the right direction, even my 9 year -old knows that she should always strive to comfort others- anyone- who suffers or is ill. She knows this as a "Corporal Work of Mercy". Again, she knows this and she is only 9.
When my baby was in the NICU, six family members came to visit and six friends also came to visit. Now, I come from a HUGE family: ten aunts and uncles and at least 20- some cousins who live within driving range of the hospital. While my brother and sister- in- law visited my child, my own sister did not.
Since my child has died, neither sibling bothered to call or visit until after my mother said something to them (still, only my sister called); this was three months after the fact. One uncle visited and dropped off a meal for us. One Aunt has called twice. Two Aunts and one cousin came to a Mass held in her honor and one cousin has contacted me via email and instant message.
No one visits her grave at the cemetery. When flowers are left for my grandfather (the next grave over) no one bothered to leave any for my Barbara until last week.
My mother claims that very few family members have called or visited because they don't know what to say. When she it told that someone actually left a flower at Barbara's grave, she acted like it was really something extra- extravagant rather than something family members should simply do.
Does anyone know what to say in situations like this? Also, a few good friends have been a great comfort to me without saying anything at all. The point is not to say something witty or earth- shattering because nothing anyone can say can bring someone back from the dead but rather to let someone know that you care, that you are thinking of them and praying for them. The point is to sit with someone and just let them know that you are with them and that they are not alone. The point is to be there to listen and hug... Taking up some space next to me, hugging me and listening to me does not have anything to do with saying anything.
Not knowing what to say is a poor excuse.
I feel hurt, angry and disappointed on top of every other bad thing I am feeling. Supposedly, God shows His love for us through others but, when it comes to my family, I have to wonder whether or not God really loves me.
The past six months would have been much easier if my family had been behind me. It is amazing how one tiny act of kindness could have made things so much brighter. I have lost a lot of faith in people as a result of how my family has behaved and I am just not sure I can get it back. If your family won't come through for you, then who will?
This is just one way in which I have felt forsaken.
I know that God is there and I know that He never abandons any of us. I also know that even Jesus felt forsaken as he was drawing His last few breaths on the Cross. I know, then, that my feeling of being forsaken is not so unusual...
I wonder if it is like this for every mom who has lost a child. Does everyone never know what to say?
I don't know who- if anyone reads this. I hope that other people are having a better time and receiving more love and support than I am. I also hope that those of you who are reading this and know someone who is in my place will be moved enough by my blog to support someone who is grieving even if there is some confusion over what should or should not be said. Believe me- you don't have to say anything at all except for that you love the person who is grieving and that you are there for them. One small but kind gesture will mean the world to someone in pain- trust me!
The thing is that Our Lord did not command us to love one another during Holy Week; instead He did not put any such limits on the love we must all have for each other. If my 9 year- old know this, why can't people who are two, three and four times her age grasp this simple and yet (apparently) foreign concept?
We must always remember that it is not a choice; to love each other is not a choice. It is a COMMAND in Holy Week and beyond.
" Thou shalt love thy neighbor as thyself." St. Matthew 22: 39
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