The Chaotic Steps of Grieving

First off, I have to say that I don't much like the new Blogger set up; I am not that computer savvy and I am having a hard time getting used to it! Well, at least I can view my stats and at least I know that a few people are reading this! Thanks! One thing I have learned from my own experience with grief is that is does not follow any particular pattern. The stages of grief are emphasized and the fact that there does not have to be any order to the stages is barely mentioned. I am surprised that, some days are really OK and I think: "wow, I must finally be feeling better" and then I feel terrible again. I could feel fine and then a few hours later feel terrible... One thing I have found is that things are less fuzzy, now. I can remember things much clearer and sometimes memories pop up from out of nowhere. I find my mind wandering and I find myself thinking about things to which I never gave much attention. Sometimes I think about things that cause me to feel a lot of pain like- whether or my baby feel any pain when she died. Then, even though it happened 8 months ago, I cry about it as if it happened yesterday. Going to the cemetery is also difficult- especially after the whole Easter decoration debacle. I have to say, though, that the Catholic Cemeteries Association (CCA) got back to me and asked me to meet with a representative. I plan to do so at the end of the month- after my oldest child celebrated her First Communion. That is something I have to do now- always plan ahead so that nothing interferes with things like that. I know that dealing with it will only cause me to feel terrible pain but I also know that my daughter is counting on me to make her a dress and to be happy on one of the happiest day of her life... My life revolves around pain. My husband and I have decided, though, that we will move her to another cemetery when we have the money. CCA has their rules and, in all fairness, we must abide them if she is to be kept there. Since their rules just don't work well for us, we believe the best thing would be to move her. I think what gets me, though, is that people really don't have a choice. If you are a Catholic, you should be buried in a Catholic cemetery. Just yesterday there was a CCA add left in the back of our church! So, people want to be good Catholics and they consent to be buried there. This means that CCA can impose and rule- regardless of how absurd or unfair- and people have to obey. So, now they want to charge $350.00 (min.) for a concrete slab that goes under a stone in order to stop stones from becoming uneven due to the freezing and thawing nature of the ground. The thing is that no one knows about this when they bury a loved one there. We found out about it when we went looking at stones. The woman at the shop told us that it is a new rule and that it also makes no sense but that it is the rule and so we have to abide by it. They basically do this because they can- because all good Catholics want to be buried in a Catholic cemetery. At the asme time, though, all good Catholics should not throw away things like rosaries, crucifixes with the likeness of Our Lord on them and blessed palms (this is actually considered sacrilege). Good Catholics should know that the Easter season does not end at Easter but instead at Pentacost and therefore it is right to celebrate the risen Lord until then. Any good Catholic should know that the sacred must always trump the secular and that things like being able to maintain the lawn is not as important as celebrating the Resurrection in ALL its glory (they do have weed- whackers that can easily clean things up around stands)... Most of all, a good Catholic should not take advantage financially of grieving family members when they are most vulnerable! So, this seems like a Catholic cemetery in name, only and not in practice therefore I believe I have the right not to support it in any way, shape or form. In any case, this was something that caused me to go from feeling fine to feeling quite bad. I couldn't sleep after knowing that they had thrown out a rosary that was a gift from my oldest child to my dead baby. We had prayed on that rosary several times and it was terrible to know that they had thrown it away. Also. I used to pray the rosary every morning with Barbara and so the fact that I left a rosary there was very meaningful. We didn't go to the cemetery the Sunday after the debacle; I was far too upset and I wasn't ready for the kids to know that they had taken Barbara's things and thrown them away. We went yesterday, though, and my 2 1/2 year old asked where Barbara's things were. We told her that they have taken them away. She then asked if we could have them back and I had to tell her that they had been thrown out and that we would never get her things back again. Just like I will never get her back again. How can anyone describe the pain of losing a child? It isn't something that can be done. Things like throwing away a wreath become a big deal. Feeling a life slip away from you when the only thing you want to do is keep the life from slipping away is the most odd thing to feel. Sometimes I look back on her last few moments and I think that maybe if I had begged God more or if I had just held onto her tighter she would still be here. Maybe if I had been a better person or... it goes on and on. I don't think I ever realized how helpless I was as a human being until she died in my arms. When I think about the four weeks of hell spent in the NICU, I tend to believe that my daughter is entitled to an Easter wreath. At least now I no longer always feel guilty when I am feeling OK. I used to feel guilty for feeling happy- like I don't ever deserve to be happy again since my baby died. It is freeing to feel happy. At the same time, it is a new feeling after so many months of sorrow. I feel somehow liberated and, in away, this in itself makes me feel sad because I don't want to be liberated from Barbara. I feel as if my sorrow is all I have that keeps her with me... Anyhow, there is no logical pattern to grief- that is for sure. I am starting to think that grief- like love and extreme anger- defy all logic. I also know that certain things are set- backs to feeling better... Avoiding these setbacks, though, is the same thing as avoiding life (which I obviously can't do) therefore I am starting to think that these set- backs are part of it all... Everyone said that God had a plan...I have to trust that this is all a part of it!