The intention of this blog is, as you know, to vent, to grieve and to help- all within the confines of my Catholic Faith. I wrote a post called "Blame" a while back in which home birth is mentioned. While the subject of home birth is beyond the scope of this blog, I feel the need to respond to a bit of information of which I was recently made aware. If you are not interested in reading my response, please don't feel obligated to do so... I won't be offended (I won't even know!).
In "Blame" I mentioned that birth at home was a somewhat controversial issue in the US but did not go into detail believing that doing so would be counterproductive to the intent of this blog. However, because my blog is being cited (publically) by a Dr. Amy, who is very much against home birth, I felt the need to defend myself publiclally. Unfortunately, Dr. Amy did not give me this right nor did she feel the need to contact me personally to find out the facts before using my pain and my daughter's death to further her cause.
In short, Dr. Amy hates the practice of home birth and this hatred extends beyond the practice itself and to all parents who choose to birth at home- regardless of situation. In life, very few things are black and white and birth at home happens to be one of these things. Unfortunately, Dr. Amy does not see it this way and believes that ALL homebirth parents are negligent, selfish people who care more about their own gratification/ and political-social agenda than they do about safety. To Dr. Amy- home birth is ALWAYS wrong in ALL situations. ALL midwives who attend home births are incompetent, uneducated and thoughtless. To her it is black and white.
Now, as I mentioned before, this blog is not about home birth although maybe this is God's way of telling me that, perhaps, it should be mentioned occasionally- especially because religion pays a role in why I choose to birth at home At least, here and now, it needs addressing.
The short of it is that I believe tht birth at home- with the complementary care of an MD or OB routinely and when necessary- is safe. I have my reasons for believing this which will be discussed later. I also believe that an all- or- nothing attitude does a severe disservice to women and babies and is a major cause of negative outcomes when it comes to birth in ANY situation; the OBs aren't always right and neither are the midwives but together, learning from each other and in cooperation with each other, birth can be made much safer and with more positive outcomes.
It is the inflexability, ignorance, hatred and anger that exists within some members of the medical community and some members of the home birth community that is the problem; rather than one way of thinking or birthing is better or worse than the other.
Moreover, perhaps if the medical community actually listened to and respected women, and their bodies and bestowed upon then the very basic dignity to which all human beings are entitled, women would feel less inclined to consider birth at home as an option. However, with the national C- section rate being what it is and with the way women and babies are treated in the maternity ward, it is no wonder that women turn to an option they believe is safer and more respectful of the human person- which is God's own creation. Also, as my letter Dr. Dr. Amy demonstrates, negative outcomes, illness and death happen both at the hospital and at home rather than just at home.
In any case, somehow, Dr. Amy somehow found out about the ONE post in this blog that mentions home birth and, in some capacity, is using it on her site. Not only do I consider this disrespectful to the memory of Barbara, but also very, very demeaning to the true and pure intent of this blog. I can't allow the death of my child and my pain to be exploited to further any cause but that of God and, since Dr. Amy is not God, I must take issue with her making referance to or making use of (in any way) my blog.
So, I here is an email I have written to Dr. Amy in response to my blog being cited or used in any way on her site:
Dear Dr. Amy,
I am not sure if it will do any good to write this but I hope that it will. Depite our differing opinions, I hope that I will be treated with the same respect and given the same benefit of doubt that I am giving you.
I recently found out that my blog (Catholic Mom in Mourning) is somehow, in some way featured on your blog/ site. I want you to know that losing a baby was painful enough but then to hear that my expereince- and the short life of my child- has been somehow used and exploited within your blog has only added to my pain. I am aware that you have yor opinions and I do not believe that you are all wrong; you are passionate and are trying to do what you think is best- and that is admirable.
I want you to know that I am a mother who never would have thought about home birth until I had a very bad expereince with hospital birth. My first baby was born via emergency C- section after an uneventful, typical pregnancy. After being forced to push through two swollen lips for over two hours, my baby went into distress. It took my CNM 45 min. to get a hold of the OB by phone and then a half hour for him to get to the hospital. Once he got there and I was in the OR, I heard the anesthesiologist tell him that he wanted to wait until another anesthesiologist got there because he did not feel comfortable intubating me. The OB told him to do it anyhow. When I woke up, I was told to say "good bye" to my baby, who was being rushed to the local NICU and would probably die. Apparently, it took 20 min. to intubate me while I was receiving general anesthesia... It took 7 min. for the OR team to decide whether or not to administer CPR to my baby, who was not breathing and unresponsive. Meanwhile, I had to stay at the hospital while my baby was in the local NICU at another hospital. During my stay, I was repeatedly told that my daughter was always breathing, that she was born very healthy with a wonderful APGAR score (wonderful meaning "1"?).
However, once I spoke with the attending neonatologist, I learned how bad it really had been and that I had been lied to by the people I had trusted with my life and that of my child. My baby was alive, although no one knew why. At three days old, she had a seizure that lasted over an hour- we were told by her neurologist that the seizure was a direct result of residual anesthesia. At five days old, we were told that she would probably live but would be "moderately to profoundly retarded." When I asked how this had happened, I was told- point blank- that her condition was a result of birth trauma, lack of oxygen and anesthesia OD.
As you can imagine, my life was never the same. Instead of bringing home a healthy baby, I was looking at a long NICU stay after which I could only look forward to therapy sessions and round- the- clock specialized care for my very damaged child. Needless to say, I never wanted to have another child. While finishing up my degree, I met two other women who had gone to the same OB/CNM practice who also had mentally handicapped kids as a direct result of birth trauma. I also know that one (smart) OB chose to leave the practice becuse of the ineptitude and negligence of other OBs in the practice. So, just as there are "serial midwives" as some women like to claim, there are also plenty of serial OBs in the world, it seems.
Years past, though, and my life was different and I was ready- although frightened- to think about having another baby. I planned to have a VBAC and read all I could about maximizing my chances of success. After finding out that no one in my area was supportive of VBAC, I decided to look into home birth. I know you hate when people claim to have done research and have educated themselves, so I'll just skip that part and allow you to think of me as you seem to think of all women in my position- ignorant and selfish and we'll leave it at that. In any case, I ended up wanting to have my baby in the hospital and, while in labor, was told by a resident (who knew about my past experience) that, while my baby was fine, it would be a very long time until I was ready to push and she could not guarantee that my baby would be in good condition when it was time to push and, as a result, he may go into distress. Well, selfish me (a home birth mom!)- I decided to have a section rather than risk the life of my baby...
After being opened up, the attending OB began screaming at the resident OB because I was fully dilated and should have had the baby vaginally. He was obviously very angry with her and told her that it isn't a good idea to do sections when a baby is so far down and the mom is ready to push. Oh well, I was already opened up and pushing was no longer an option. I began sobbing as they began closing me up and was given something to calm me down which only made me throw up. No one would get me anything to throw up into and I began to shake violently. Everybody was too busy talking about their vacations and such.
In the recovery room, the nurse would not help me intiate nursing and instead was talking on the phone about how I had ruined her lunch hour. About 30 min. later, she got off the phone and told me that I would have to remain in recovery until noon (it was 6 am) if i couldn't feel my legs soon- as if I could control when the epidural anesthesia wore off! She never did help me nurse- I had to figure it out myself. I had never nursed before- I had only pumped for a year for my oldest child due her condition- so I was very unsure about how to nurse.
Less that 24 hours after the surgery, I was told that I had no pain medication left and that I would just have to deal with the pain. This was around 12 am. By 2 PM the next day, I was in tears because of the pain and another nurse came in and asked me why I was crying. She told me that I had two weeks worth of pain meedicine and wrote the dosage schedule on a board in my room for other nurses to see. I still don't know why the one nurse would not give me any medicine but I do know that I had argued with her about her wanting to give my son formula, a pacifier and bottle.
She claimed that I had no milk (who does at 4 hours postpartum?) and that my baby was starving. I asked to see a lactation consultant and was told that she was not available. However, when I called her office, she told me that she had been available all day and that she could have come at any time. She argued with the nurse on my behalf which only seemed to infuriate her (the nurse) more.
After a lot of begging, I was able to leave the hospital early but only after I was given the "contraception" talk and offered a contraceptive injection (the syringe was ready to go and brought in with the OB). Now, I am a PRACTICING Catholic which means that I do not use artificial contraception and have always found that NFP works well and has never let me down. The OB did not agree, though, and kept pushing the contraceptive injection on me until he saw that it was just not going to happen... This, on top of everything else, was too much!
So, when I became pregnant with my thrid baby (after a year- and- a half of successful NFP!), I knew I either had to submit to another section or VBA2C at home.
I also knew that there is no medical evidence that suggests that VBAC after two sections poses any more risk than a VBAC after one and so planned to stay at home. However, I received physician co- care as needed during the pregnancy and was ready to birth at the hospital if necessary. My third child was born at home with no complications.
As a result, I planned on having my fourth at home under the same circumstances. At around 10 weeks, I went to see my physician because I did not feel right. He ran a bunch of blood tests and never got back to me although he saw me plenty of times afterwards and never mentioned any abnormal results. Due to a clericcal error on the part of his staff, I could not get online to access my results although I attempted to do so several times and even called his office for assistance.
My baby was born sick even though I had recieved physician co- care as needed throughout the pregnancy. She was born with a congenital heart defect and a kidney abnormality that was not caught during any prenatal diagnostic exam. Moreover, she was infected with GBS even though I was negative and considered low- risk for GBS.. Her metabolic screen came back abnormal when it came to nearly every metabolic problem a baby could have.
While she was in the NICU, the NICU staff made several errors with regards to her care (we have a PA friend who oversaw her care) and, because her PIC was removed a week after anitbiotics were stopped (and a week longer than it should have been in to begin with), she contracted a blood infection from which she eventually died.
Two months after her death, I was finally able to review my prenatal records and noticed that my thyroid panel was very abnormal. The doc made a note of it and wanted to do more tests but never called me or told me during subsequent visits. I also showed signs of both iron- definciency and pernicious anemia.
My baby did not die from home birth and I did not forego medical care because I am more interested in my own political/ social agenda than safety. I understand the need for obstetrical care as needed and do not choose to birth at home without complimentary medical care. In the case of my last baby, I can't see how my midwife or home birth is to blame. The truth is that I had severe hypothyroidism (hashimotos) that my physician never told me about. My baby also had abnormalities could not have been caused by home birth; my midwife did not cause any of her problems and neither did home birth. She would have been born just as sick if she had been born in the hospital. The only difference is that she would have been taken to the NICU sooner but even that would not have made any difference. This was the one mistake my midwife and I made.
I am pregnant again and, already, one OB has messed up my thyroid medication while another refused to prescribe medication at all (even though he had years of medical records detailing the thyroid issue at her disposal). I have since found a wonderful OB who has been on top of my thyroid problem and also on top of the GBS issue (for which I have cultured negative in urine and recto- vaginally). Again, I am planning on a home birth with the option to VBA2C in the local hospital if necessary. Again, my care is being overseen by an OB who has been willing to discuss- at length- what may have gone wrong last time so that we can be on top of things this time. He has reviewed my records and those of my deceased child and does not blame home birth and so, perhaps you can find it in your heart and mind to agree with him and, at least in my case, stop using my situation to further your cause.
My blog is all about dealing with the loss of my child. I share some very personal emotions on my blog so that other moms in my position can read what I have written and not feel as freakish as I do at times. it is not about home birth, OBs or midwives. It is not political in nature and exists only to help other women deal with the loss of their children. As a mother who so often feels so alone, I know how important it is to be able to relate to someone else and feel as if one is not alone. My intent is to help ALL women- home birth moms, hospital- birth moms, moms who have miscarried, moms who have lost oder/ adult children... My job is never to judge but to be a voice in the darkness as I believe I am supposed to be as a Christian. To make my blog, which is actually about so much, into something so particular and trivial does not do its intent justice.
Have you ever lost a child? There can be nothing more painful. It really sets one apart from others when others are so needed. The pain never goes away. Knowing how it feels like to lose a child, I could never blame parents for the loss. I am certain that there is enough self- blame (even if it is not mentioned) to go around without others chiming in. I can't speak for other parents but I can say that some very neative experiences with OBs got me thinking about home birth whereas if I had not had these experiences, I would not have even thought about having a baby at home. Perhaps this is the case with other parents who birth at home. In my case, OB negligence nearly killed my oldest child and OB incompetance earned me my second scar and MD negligence contributed to the death of my last baby and, had I not been on the ball this time, could have caused another negative outcome with the child I am now so blessed to carry. Yet I don't hate OBs and MDs and I do not hate you even though, when I read your blog, I read a good amount of hatred directed towards me and others like me in your posts.
My daughter died on October 1 and on October 2, I found out that my blog was featured on your blog/ site. Someone who feels bad for me despite your opinion(s) of me thought to send me an email. I do not know what you have written about me or my blog or my situation but what you- or anyone else- can read on my blog is not the whole story. The goal of the ONE post in which home birth is mentioned is not about bashing OBs and praising home birth but instead how it feels to be blamed for the death of your child because most things grief- related are universal. Since you apparently blame me, it makes sense that my blog should be picked up and used by you.
I have to say that I do not understand how someone without the entire story can feel OK about exploiting the death of a child and the pain of a grieving mother. My deceased daughter does not deserve this and neither do my husband and I. I am asking you, politely, to remove my blog from your site. I also want to inform you that what it written on my blog is subject to copywrite laws and cannot be used or quoted without my permission. I do not want to take away your right to your opinion but instead want to ensure that my blog remains what it is meant to be and not what you seem to be turning it into. Even if you hate me, you can not hate my child- who even you must admit- is innocent of all charges and so, for her sake, if you can't do it for mine, please remove any mention of my blog from your site.
I am also asking you- as a mother in pain- to please check out the facts before using someone's situation for your blog. Words can be very painful and, when a person already feels so much pain, it really seems unnecessary to make it worse. I would have greatly appreciated hearing from you (you obviously can find my email address since you have found my blog) and dealing with this privately rather than publicly. Anyhow, you can't claim to be posting facts when you have not bothered to find out what the facts are!
I never had any intention of bad- mouthing the OBs and MDs who have made mistakes/ been negligent because I believe that, eventually, God puts everything right and, again, my blog is not about bashing anyone. There are bad midwives and bad OBs; but not all OBs are bad and not all midwives are bad... This sort of thinking defies logic and contributes to ignorance and hatred rather than truth and cooperation. Even after my experiences, I know that there are good OBs/MDs and do not hate even those who have caused me pain. Still, the truth is the truth and I feel as though I have been forced to tell the whole truth in defence of my my self, my family, the real intent of my blog and in honor of my daughter. It seems that now, inavertantly, there will be OB/MD bashing... But, again, at least it is the truth.
Since you are leading people to my blog, I feel the need to respond publicly and, as a result, I will post this so that your followers may know the truth-which is more than you are willing to give them about me.
I pray that God ends this anger/ hatred/ ignorance felt between some members of the medical community and some members of the home birth community because- in the end- cooperation,understanding and respect between the two make birth safer while anger/ hatred and ignorance only it make unsafe both at home and in the hospital.
EB- Catholic Mom in Mourning
No comments:
Post a Comment