Is Nothing Sacred?

I am now really integrating the whole Dr. Amy situation into my being and, I have to say, that I feel nausiated.

When my poor husband came home, I had to tell him. He knows of Dr. Amy and, as a scientist who reads academic/ scientific/ medical journal articles, has taken issue with much of Dr. Amy's rants for some time. We never felt the need to publically insult her or refute her arguments, though, because our life does not revolve around our choice to birth at home.

I knew he would already feel upset about getting home too late to attend Mass and adoration and that telling him about Dr. Amy would be the icing on the cake. Now, niether of us believe in sensorship and, even though we often disagree with Dr. Amy, we believe she has the right to say what she likes and express her beliefs and opinions. It is her tactics we take issue with. Now that it is all closer to home, it has become very painful and personal.

I don't know how Dr. Amy found the one entry of this blog that mentions home birth. I wonder if she even bothered to read the rest of my posts or even that post in its entirety. I never thought that I'd have to worry about her- or anyone else- taking something quite small and insiginficant and making it into such a big deal that really just detracts from the oringinal purpose of the blog...

This blog was a "safe place" because sometimes I don't feel it is safe to tell anyone how I feel. I am sure that other people can relate and so this blog was supposed to be a safe place for everyone. Because it deals with my faith and my struggles with it, it often delves into the sacred; my relationship with God is very important, personal and sacred.

I am a very private person. It often has been very difficult to admit some of the things I have thought and felt over the past year. I put myself out there, though, in order to help other people because I knew how it was to feel so alone and isolated from other people. I never realized the possible consequences of bearing my heart, though.

Of course, I thought that some people may take issue with my faith (or sometimes lack thereof) but I never imagined that my feelings and the death of my child would be exploited to justify Dr. Amy's hatred for all things home birth and home birth parents. I didn't think that people could be so cruel!

I believe that the sacred has been invaded and trashed and that pearls have been thrown to sows (no, I am not calling Dr. Amy or anyone else a pig!) But some things ought to be sacred and the death of a child is one of those things.

The world must be a more twisted place than I ever imagined when the untimely death of an innocent child and the pain of her parents is fodder for a cause like Dr. Amy's. This time, she has gone too far. This time, the world has gone too far.

I doubt Dr. Amy has any idea what I have been through this past year just like she has no idea what I went through when OB negligence nearly killed my first child... Life, it seems, is not as imporant to her as her cause and death under the right circumstances is a real reason to celebrate another victory for the cause. Life is very important to me- that is why I keep on living despite how terrible I so often feel and that is why I did all I could to keep my oldest child and Barbara alive.

Blame is a terrible thing and moms will blame themselves no matter what they do; I am still blaming myself for having my first child in the hosptial! To use this blame that parents naturally feel and turn it agiainst them is very, very cruel.

The time I had with Barbara- as short as it was- was sacred. Her memory is sacred. Even my pain is sacred because it untites me with Christ (who suffered greatly) and can be offered up for causes bigger than my own. When sanctity is invaded, perverted and exploited, it becomes dirty.

I had no idea that my blog could be used in this way. I am just not sure I want to continue to bear my heart to people who could use my pain in such a horrible way. I guess I didn't think about this possibiliy. The truth is that I feel sickened that my child's memory has been sullied this way and that the sacred has been made profane. I am not sure I can continue to keep this blog because I don't want to ruin the memory of my child and allow myself to be so vulnerable again.

I have put my husband's heart out there, too, and now I can also blame myself that I have given him cause to feel more pain. I never thought this could hurt him. Barbara was his baby, too, and I guess I just never thought I'd be taking a chance like this with his heart... It makes me feel very, very sick.

Everyone has the right to an opinion but no one has the right to dishonor the life and death of my (or any) baby in any way, shape or form. No one has the right to judge and blame and cause so much suffering on top of the suffering that already exists after the loss of a child. No one has the right to use the death of a baby in that way. I will do anyting to see that the memory of Barbara is nothing but beautiful and sacred and if this means deleting this blog, then so be it.

Tonight I will pray for the other parents who have been singled out and blamed by Dr. Amy. I pray that their pain may be minimized and that they may have the strength and confidence to see through the blame, judgement and hatred spewed at them.

I used to say to myself "someday, Dr. Amy will pick on the wrong person and then it will stop" (the blame and hatred, that is).  I pray that that time will come sooner rather than later and that someday someone who is much stronger than I am will put an end to it. Then no one else will have to feel like I felt today.