Should I buy fabric for a baptismal gown? Should I put away fabric for a layette? As usual, the coming of Fall and coold weather has caught me off guard... my "front room" floor is clovered with fabric- all measured and folded- ready to be made into dresses for the girls and pants, shirts for the boy and vests for all three (for some reason, they all want vests).
In with the Winter fabric was some "baby" fabrics. This got me thinking. Amidst the flutters that reasssure me that there is life there, I still can't let myself believe that I will have a live baby to care for and dress. I almost ordered a pattern for a nursing shawl but, why bother?
After my last baby died, I woke up at home after living at the hospital for four weeks. Baby clothes were folded- ready for a baby who had died. The bassinet was ready for a baby that would never use it. The sling hung baby- ready and empty. No baby.
I remember wondering "what the heck happened?" We knew nothing. She was getting better. She was breathing on her own, responding to us, waking up. She wasn't supposed to die. We were in shock. I sat there beside her every day, talking to her, bathing her, clothing her, singing to her, reading to her, praying next to her and it made no difference. I fought with my entire being to save her- to argue on her behalf when everyone thought it was hopeless. I told everyone that only God knows when it is her time; we can't make that decision. I was happy to comply with God but not the NICU staff. They were not motivated by fact, figure, science or reason. I was a mother and I was a believer- I had my fact; the fact that God exists and only He can take anyone to Him.
We told the NICU staff that she had an infection. They didn't believe us until it was too late to save her. So, I sat by her when she was at her worst, then she got better and then she got bad again and I was there to see it all.
I don't want to go through that again. That was my second time in the NICU and I don't want to do it again. I know that there is no way to prevent this, I just have to trust in God but I have done this before and look where it got me!
As the baby moves more and more and it become more real to me that this is happening, I become more terrified. Praying won't ensure a good outcome... Nothing will. It is so painful to know that this baby may not live. It may die at any time.
I don't think I could live through another NICU stay. I don't think I could live with the death of another baby.
I think that, if I begin making things or making plans, I will be jumping ahead of myself and somehow I will be punished.
Fear is a terrible thing and it signifies a real mistrust in God. I am so sorry to feel this way...
Don't beat yourself up about feeling this way as it is a very understandable reaction to all that you have gone through. Here is a text that may bring you some comfort though. Have a good weekend.
ReplyDeleteMatthew 6:25-34
25 “Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothes? 26 Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? 27 Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life[a]?
28 “And why do you worry about clothes? See how the flowers of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. 29 Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. 30 If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you—you of little faith? 31 So do not worry, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ 32 For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. 33 But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. 34 Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.