Belonging to God

Lately things have been difficult. I have felt very lonely and life has been hard. I have felt doubt and anger and, at times, I have felt very bitter and resentful.
No matter what I feel, I keep up a brave front when it comes to the kids; I never expose my doubt or despair and I always reassure them that their baby sister is in heaven even when I doubt its existence. I still have them pray throughout the day even when I wonder "why bother?".
I do this because I know that they deserve something that I never had- a religious upbringing. There are so many times during the past 10 months when I have told my husband that I would have handled my loss better if I had been given a strong religious foundation; then it would all just be a given- a fact of life. As it is, though, I was not raised to think about God and to incorporate Him into my every second. So, now, as an adult, I struggle. I'm not saying that even people with a solid religious foundation don't struggle at times- we are human, after all. But what I am saying is that I feel at a disadvantage compared to people who were raised knowing that they belong to God.
If one is raised  from day 1 with the knowledge that every human being belongs to God, dying is just returning to Him. We come from Him when we are born to our parents- who have been entrusted with our care physically, emotionally and spiritually- and when He wants us back, we go to Him. We never belonged to the world or to our parents and our kids never really belong to us. We all belong to God.
In religion, my kids learn that we are not here to serve and gratify ourselves but instead we are here to know, love and serve God.  They are also taught to love God above all things.
I was never taught this. I grew up thinking that I existed for myself and that I should work towards my own happiness at all times. I thought that I deserved to be happy- I had a right to be happy. Whenever I thought about heaven, it was in conjunction with hell because I feared hell rather than wanted to be with God in heaven.
So now, as an adult and a mother in mourning, I am feeling like a cold bucket of water has been thrown at my face; I am experiencing true grief which conflicts with my "right" to be happy. I know that we are never promised happiness in this life but this is something I only recently learned and so realizing it at all times is difficult. I have been fighting it- thinking of it as punishment- thinking that I don't deserve it... I never learned that suffering is a blessing from God that draws us closer to Him. I never learned that I could offer up my sufferings for different causes- the poor souls being one of my favorites. I have to teach myself all of these things now because I never learned them as a child.
Grief is a part of life- for everyone. No one is immune. It really helps to have a solid belief system in place before one must experience grief. So, when I feel doubtful, I don't allow myself to be lenient with the kids when it comes to religion- I want them to have a solid foundation. Maybe this is selfish of me, but it is better than being neglectful of their religious education simply because I have issues. This, I believe, is more selfish- to rob kids of their right to know their Father and, according to scripture, can be a grave sin. My kids will have the tools needed to thrive in any storm and they will grow up knowing that each and every one of us is God's and that the earth is only our temporary home. They will know that grief isn't a bad thing even though it feels bad and that we can always turn it into something beautiful by offering it up and uniting our sufferings with that of Jesus.
Today, during adoration, it hit me: we all belong to God. My children are not mine- they are God's. Barbara was always God's- never mine. She just happened to be in my care for a short time but she was never mine. It hit my in my heart rather than in my brain; it is one thing to parrot this over and over but it is another thing entirely to know it in one's heart. All of my kids belong to God- not me.
I belong to God, too- even when I doubt and feel anger towards Him... I am His and He is my Father.
I still mourn my loss and I will forever but it does help to know that she always belonged to God...