Abstained from Mass...

So, I didn't go to church yesterday. Saturday night, I was still unsure if we should go; I know that I always tend to feel terrible when we don't go and so I was fairly certain that we would end up going. It turned out, though, that the kids got sick with a terrible cold and we could not find a sitter; therefore we just couldn't go. Looking back, there were times when I wanted to go so badly that I'd tell my husband to stay in the car with the sick kids while I went to Mass... It is so funny how my feelings have changed. Some people may think that it is the evil one putting thoughts into my head that cause me to feel like not going to Mass... I sometimes think that, too. But now I am not so sure. I believe in evil, for sure. I have seen it, participated in it and watched in silence as others fell prey to it. Most of the time, I can recognize it but not always. The thing about evil is that it preys upon our need to feel good. People base a lot of their decisions on feelings...what "feels" good. I don't mean feeling in the physical sense- I don't mean self- gratification because this almost always leads us to do evil and thus almost always has evil roots. What I mean is the warm and fuzzy feeling people can get that seems to come from deep within the heart; the feeling like one is really getting in good with God... like one is "almost there". There is no way of knowing whether or not this feeling should be trusted until the fruits of it are apparent. Good trees bear good fruit... Also, what is most comforting and comfortable may not be the best things for us spiritually. Sometimes when we get too comfortable with something, we take it for granted and can't see the bigger picture. Sometimes we feel so comfortable that we fall into a routine and forget about why we are doing it all to begin with. The point should be- always- to glorify God. Sometimes a little discomfort is needed to jolt us back into reality so that we can remember this. One thing that I love about the TLM is that it is steeped in tradition and is a vital part of our heritage as Catholics. The TLM is reverent and respectful of the Eucharist and this is the whole point of the Mass. It is more than a social event, or a show during which we watch the priest do his thing... It is all about the true sacrifice of the Mass and the Eucharistic feast. It is all about the awe and wonder we should have when we think about God and approach His Real Presence at the Eucharistic table. I can't help but want to drop down in my knees and feel true awe and fear when I participate in the TLM. Genuflecting has become a compulsory honor when it used to feel so contrived. At the same time, though, I feel as if I have lost something because my focus has been on the Mass itself rather than on my relationship with Christ. I have become too comfortable and have not been really maintaining my relationship with God. Yesterday I felt closer to God than I have felt in a long time. Saturday night, I was angry with God. I kept asking "why?" I really felt like there was no point believing anymore. I am not saying that I am still not angry with God- I am. I am not saying that I fully understand Him now because I don't. I just feel a sense of calm and peace, now, when I think about God. I feel as though I have really been communicating with Him constantly by just saying (in my head) what I feel and think. Usually, after Mass, I feel like something is lacking- like there is something I wanted to find but didn't. I haven't found it yet but I have to say that I do feel better. On a superficial note, it probably helped not to have seen tall he pregnant women and hear some of them bragging after Mass... ! Also, because we didn't go to Cleveland, we didn't go to the cemetery. Usually, this makes me pretty upset! I don't know... As Catholics we are obligated to go to Mass and so I know that I have sinned in not going. It is probably an even bigger sin because I don't regret it and would do it again. I used to think that God gives us lots of crosses, some big and some small. I used to think that, if going to Mass made me miserable then it was just a cross to bear. Still, despite my infertility situation, I did not cry at all yesterday. I didn't feel at all like crap- which is how I tend to feel after Mass. So, now I have more questions... If St. Francis were alive, I'd love to speak with him...!