Second- Class Female

As you know, I didn't go to church yesterday. As you also may know, my infertility consultation was cancelled last Friday. I didn't go to Mass primarily because I was sick of seeing all the pregnant women and hearing them brag. I was sick of feeling like I was less of a Catholic because I can't get pregnant. I was also sick of some other things but that is for my other blog... As Catholics, we are expected to welcome children into the marriage relationship. Although the modern Church does acknowledge the need for natural family planning in circumstances of poverty or sincere inability to afford and/or care for children (which, in my opinion, is abused, misunderstood and misused), those who attend the TLM tend to adhere to the ways of the old Church and many people who attend the TLM have large families and are always pregnant. Because we attend the TLM and our beliefs are more in- line with the old way of doing things, I truly feel terrible that I, too, can't always be pregnant and that my family- compared to others who attend the TLM- is small. Even the modern church has very little to say about infertility. The CCC outlines what we can and can't do as far as fertility treatments and it is treated like a cross- just like every hardship within the Church. Priests, although kind and caring, have no clue what to say to a woman who is experiencing infertility. My pastor told me that I should be grateful for the children I have and this only caused me to feel frustration and anger; it didn't deal with the real issue and only made me feel worse. It feels like I am the only Catholic women who is experiencing infertility... It also seems like it is just something that isn't talked about much and so I feel like I can't talk about it. It is like a dirty secret which leads me to think that there is something wrong with me because I am infertile. Usually things are kept quiet because they are bad therefore it seems like infertility is bad. It isn't enough that there are so many pregnant women who attend the TLM and so many large families but there are also a few women who are downright nasty about things. This only adds insult to injury. I truly feel like a second- class female within the TLM community. This does not do me- or my relationship with God- any good. So, I called to make an appointment at the OB/GYN today and was told that I would have to wait a month and a half to see the doctor. While this is better than waiting three months, like I did for the last appointment, it still makes me feel angry. I know that if I was pregnant, they'd find time for me but since I can't get pregnant, my needs aren't as important. So, I am a second- class female within the medical community as well. It seems that I am just not as good as other women everywhere I go! The situation I am in speaks to a real lack of empathy and understanding on the part of the OB/GYN office. Do they know what it is like to feel like crap every month because I didn't get pregnant? Do they know what it is like those two weeks between ovulation and menstruation? The waiting? The charting every single day- the worrying. Then, to find out that it didn't "work" again and just want to die- to hide from the world in bed crying. Baffled- wondering "why?" and not being able top get an answer because you can't get a stupid appointment. Do they know what it is like to get your period and then get online to research all that could be wrong... to feel fear and frustration because all you can do is take stabs in the dark because you can't find any help? To feel broken, depressed, less of a woman... They obviously have no idea what it feels like to go through this and, if there was another OB/GYN in the area that dealt with infertility issues, I'd go there... It also makes me wonder whether or not the docs in this practice are able to view women as individuals or just nameless, faceless things from which babies are (or can't be) extracted. Are women just things to them- a means to an end- a way to make a living or are we real human beings with hopes, dreams and fears? Are we mere statistics and low, medium or high- risk births? Scared or unscarred (as of yet)? Oh, there are so many things wrong with the world! I feel like a second- class female no matter where I am. I would expect, however, to feel equal within my own faith community because, after all, we are all supposed to be equal in the eyes of the Lord. Not so, apparently, in the TLM community of my parish.