Barbara's Beautiful, Stupid Kidneys

When my baby was in the NICU, her attending neonatologist ordered a consultation with a pediatric nephrologist. This doctor, though my experience with him was limited, was by far one of my favorite people at the hospital with whom I interacted. First off, he was kind. He was also interested in my child and interested in getting to know her parents as much as he could. He had a good sense of humor and he treated my child like a normal human being- I can't tell you how much that meant to me and hod good that felt after watching the way almost everyone else treated her. He spoke to us like we were real people- he didn't talk down to us or dumb things down- he seemed to be experienced at feeling around in order to know who he was dealing with. He told me that Barbara's kidneys were "stupid". I had to laugh at this because it made sense. He wasn't insulting us or her; rather he had sense enough to know who we were and what he could and couldn't say. He brought some humor into a bad situation and I was as grateful for it then as I am now. I don't know why I thought of this today. The truth is that I have been hurting a lot lately and I don't know why. I seem to miss her more and more as the days go by when I thought I'd miss her less and less. I guess this is because I am doing research now on thyroid problems and her deplorable condition and birth and after is starting to make sense. People have accused me of killing my child and someone who is very close to me blamed my child's illness on my life style. In the NICU, there was a real "blame the mother" attitude which put me at odds with the doctors from the very beginning even though the NICU docs had to admit that it could not have been my fault. The more I learn, the more I know that I am not to blame- I did not kill my child and it has nothing to do with my life style. I was not negligent- I went to a doctor- someone I trusted- for help and he let me down. Even now, he refuses to admit he was wrong and also refuses to prevent the same thing from happening again. My mother tells me to sue him. What good would it do? It won't bring Barbara back and I don't think that he went out of his way to be negligent. The thing that bothers me about him now is that he refuses to listen and learn in order to prevent the same mistake from happening again. Imagine how it felt- knowing that people were thinking that I killed my child? Losing a child is the worst thing that could happen to a person but then to spread things and things... Getting back to the stupid kidneys... Her kidneys were not stupid; the people entrusted with her care were. My baby was beautiful and her organs were perfect- formed by God for some purpose although I still don't know what. Sometimes I don't think I can get through this even now because the pain is just too great. When I am alone, I cry. I feel just as bad as I did months ago. I miss her just as much and her absence is always felt. Sometimes I wonder how I can live anymore. How I can face tomorrow and the day after that, etc... People are very private about how they feel at times like this. Being private doesn't help anyone. It doesn't let other people know that are really OK for what they feel. Everyone thinks that I should just get over this but I will never get over it and if other people can't deal with this, it is not my problem. Mothers who supposedly don't love their kids anymore after they've reached adulthood and thus are on their own are bad parents, right... so why should I stop loving my child just because she is gone from this earthly life? I think I will ask to go to the cemetery today. I just need to be with her. My heart is breaking.