Questions

I don't know what God does and does not put into action. There is a lot to be said for free will and our ability to choose right from wrong and then suffer the consequences. Sometimes, when people are going through a rough time they will wonder what they have done to be punished by God. In some cases, it is obvious that there are consequences to our actions and that these consequences are just that rather than any sort of punishment. Sometimes we can even see a direct link between our actions (A) and the consequences (C) of our actions while sometimes we may have to search a bit harder to see how A brings forth C. For 10 months, now, I have been trying to figure our what I did to bring forth the death of my child. I have also been trying to figure out what I could have done differently in order to save her life. Then I see all the baby graves at the cemetery and I wonder what all these parents did wrong. Surely, they can't all have done something wrong and, even if they had, did their negative actions justify the punishment of losing a child? So, I begin to think that maybe it isn't about punishment. So why, then? Everyone who is religious tells me that there is a reason only we don't know it. What reason? My baby died after suffering terribly for four weeks. Why did I have to sit there and watch her suffer for four weeks only to lose her? It seems so pointless. She is dead- gone- it is like she never existed and no one knows about her. No one knows her name and that she ever existed. Her brief life seems like it was for nothing. Then, after she died, I was all alone. No one came to see me or call me. God did not bother to send anyone my way and I didn't lose faith. Now, there is the infertility issue. My life is full of ironies... So I made my appointment with the OB three months ago; I got the soonest available appointment and yesterday- 45 min. before the appointment, a secretary called to cancel because the OB was called to a delivery. OK. Let me just run this by you: the OB had to cancel an infertility consultation because she had to go to a delivery. Ironic? So, it will probably take three months to get another one. Meanwhile, I keep getting older and more bitter and my faith and hope are running out. I don't want to go to Mass anymore because of all the pregnant woman who will be showing off their bellies and loudly bragging. Some of them rarely go to church but when they do, they are the loudest and the ones who like to show off how holy they are. Yes, maybe being pregnant makes them more Catholic than me but maybe I just don't want to be Catholic anymore if this is how Catholics behave. I have to wonder if any of them have ever heard of modesty or humility... I never bragged when I was pregnant or showed off my belly. I knew very well that I was just a vehicle and, although it was an honor, it was not meant to be a source of pride for me. I knew that God was the true creator of all my children and I was just cooperating; the pride was not mine to have. I never would have made myself an object of attention merely because I was pregnant... I also knew that not every woman who was not pregnant wanted to be in that state and would never have wanted to make anyone else feel bad. The thing is that, if God gives us our children, then He must also choose not to give us our children. So, this is something He is not doing for me. He is choosing not to give me a child just like he chose to take Barbara from my arms and bring he to Him. I could take losing Barbara if I knew that I could have another child. The two- losing Barbara and my infertility- are connected in my mind and heart. The fact that my kids all share me as a mother links them all to me and me to them and them to each other. The fact that my arms still want a baby to hold only makes the connection between my loss and the inability to have more babies even stronger. It is ironic, too, that an injury resulting from the baby that died is preventing any future babies. How can I ignore this connection? What is God trying to tell me? Have I done something wrong? Am I doing something wrong? If so, can I make it right and how? Why do I have to deal with pregnant woman bragging at church? Can't God spare me even then? I am starting to think that maybe there is no God; this would explain the chaos behind everything and the seemingly endless end of bad things that happen for no reason. We are just randomly conceived, born and die. There is no God overseeing us, loving us, hearing our prayers... Or, if there is a God, He is cruel. He doesn't love all of us and He doesn't care about us. Maybe we are just a big joke to Him. He is cruel! How can we be expected to love someone who is so cruel? Someone who has offered no help and then kicks us when we are down? It isn't even as if I can go to a priest about this; all I ever hear is that this is the will of God and He has His reasons. Well, I have heard this so many times in the past 10 months that it has lost all meaning and truth for me. I have become desensitized to it. I also have to hear how I should just be grateful for the kids I have- as if I am not! The thing is that kids are all different, they are not all the same; they bring different things to the family. And being grateful for the kids I have can't negate the pain I feel because I lost one and the anger, frustration and pain I feel because I can't have another one. Priests could really use some sensitivity training! In my last post I wrote about prayer and how I was sick of praying. Nothing has changed. I am still sick of praying just like I would be sick of asking anyone for something and never getting it or talking to someone who repeatedly does not listen. I am sick of dealing with someone who obviously does not love me or care for me. I have realized that what I do doesn't matter; I am just screwed in God's eyes. I have hoped and I have prayed for the intercession and guidance of the Saints and they all don't hear me. I don't want to lead anyone astray but I have to be honest and write what is going on in my head and my heart. Maybe there is someone else out there who feels like I do and maybe if they read this, they will know that they are not a freak. I feel like a freak because I am all alone. No one understands. My husband just gets mad at me and yells at me. He can't ever understand and he never will. I have learned that I can't cry in front of him or tell him how I feel. I can't tell my friends because they just tell me that God has His reasons and this just makes me so mad! I guess I am just sick of feeling so angry. I am so angry with God and everyone I know. I don't know why God kept me alive and took Barbara; I can only imagine because He likes inflicting pain upon me. The kind thing would have been to take me as well. When I pray, now, the only thing I can say is that I am so tired of living and I just want to be taken now. There is nothing that is able to take this pain away and if God really loved me He would know how I suffer. I won't go to Mass tomorrow. I don't want to see the pregnant women and hear them bragging. I am not even sure if I want to be Catholic anymore because no one from my faith community has attempted to be there for me and now all they are doing is adding to my grief. Christians aren't supposed to behave this way. I have no doubt that the Church is good but I also think that so many of its members have lost their way and don't behave the way a good Christian should behave and I am thinking that I don't want this in my life. I am thinking that it doesn't help me to be a good Christian and it sets a poor example for my kids. I am not even sure if I want to have God in my life anymore, either. I want to take all of my religious pictures and statues and burn them. I want to take my rosaries and break them all because they mean nothing to me anymore. You may say that I am a terrible person or that I have failed in God's eyes. I wouldn't care anymore because He has failed me so may times; He could not even see fit to bring me comfort over the past 10 months. I just feel like a terrible mother because I have been raising my kids to love God and now I don't want anything to do with Him. I don't even know if there is a God. Maybe Barbara is just dead and rotting in the ground; maybe this is the ultimate end. I have been crying for help from God and He hasn't heard. Either he hates me or doesn't exist. And if there is a reason for all this, I dislike Him even more because He took my baby and won't give me anymore solely because He has his reasons- regardless of my pain and suffering. I have been praying to St. Pio and, in my head, an image of his outstretched hand is reaching to me but I can just barely reach it. In the end, I am just too far away and can't grab his hand. I guess I just feel like this whole religion thing is a lost cause. Maybe I am lost cause; maybe the world is lost cause. We are not promised happiness in this life but does this mean that we are promised misery? We are told to expect eternal happiness but there is no proof that this exists so why bother looking ahead to this while living a completely miserable life? I have cried to God and Mary, the mother of Jesus, for help and pity and no one has heard. Maybe it is all made up. I would be happy with someone calling- just once- to tell me that they are here for me; someone who won't judge... I could deal with everything else if I just had that. But for 10 whole months, I have been alone. I am only human and there is only so much I can take and I have had it! I wish I had answers for other people. I wish I could make other people feel better and tell them that there is a God who cares bur I can't anymore. I am so sorry.