Sick and Bad News

So, now I am sick with some cold/ cough thing. It is no fun! It has wiped me out... Just a few minutes ago, I realized that we hadn't been to the cemetery in two weeks and remembered that I had planned on going today. I haven't been to see Barbara in so long! My husband is gone, though, and our phone isn't working so I can't call him to come back so that we can leave. I am hoping to drop off the kids because it is tough to go there with them; I never cry in front of them and I just really need to cry! The past week or so has been very tough. I feel like a much colder, more bitter and more angry person. A friend of mine from my past has now reentered my life and, although I am pleased, I am reminded of how I used to be and what dreams I had for myself and goals I had for my life. My life has taken a much different path than I ever thought imaginable and I am not the same person I used to be. I miss that person- so full of life and hope and dreams- that person was going somewhere and was full of potential. That person had something to offer while the person I am now does not. I feel very cold and dead in many ways. It dawned on me yesterday that I hold everyone at a distance- especially my kids because I know what it feels like to lose one and I never want to feel that way again. I know that I could lose anyone- my husband, my kids- anyone- at any time. The fact that I may lose my oldest child in some way to a custody arrangement only makes things worse. I don't think that things will ever get any better because, for years, they have only gotten worse. I have also put distance between myself and God. I am angry with Him and I feel very betrayed by Him. I feel abandoned, forgotten, unloved and hated. A friend of mine told me not to let the evil one lead me down a bad path but I think that if God cared, He would throw me a bone like a good master does for his dog every once in while. He doesn't, though, and things just get worse. I feel as if He has already given up on me, anyhow, and if this is the case then I am doomed, anyway. He has taken an enormous amount from me and has not listened to my pleading or the pleading of the saints I have chosen to ask for help. He has taken so much and has nor helped me much along the way. I understand that we are not supposed to look for happiness in this life but only in the next but when I am just not sure if there even is a next life and being unhappy in the life I know exists is a terrible thing. After the dream I had about Barbara, I have felt very messed up inside. I am dealing with this and the prospect of losing my oldest to some sort of custody arrangement with her idiot father... In addition, I am dealing with the prospect of losing any children I might have had through infertility. I was lucky enough to get in with the OB last week and she is concerned about adhesions from the postpartum D&C- my worst fear but something I have been sure was an issue all along. She advised me to get an HSG next month. I am worried that things are bad and can't be fixed. This is just how life is so I am expecting it. How I'll deal with it is beyond me. How I have dealt with anything is beyond me- I just do. I just get by... I am very tired in a way that is totally separate from any physical feeling of tired. In German one can say "Ich bin fertig" or- literally translated- I am finished. The meaning goes beyond "finished", though... it is like "absolutely done"... "exhausted"... Well, Ich bin fertig. I wonder what purpose I still am here to serve.