What a Mother in Mourning May Not Tell You

At the burial of my baby, I was calm and collected. Slow and steady tears streamed down my face but I was composed. I regret this. I thought "what would people say if I cried hysterically?" I wanted to be a big woman- a strong mother. I wanted to appear strong for my kids and I did not want to embarrass myself in front of my family. Inside, I was falling apart; I was feeling so many things that it was difficult to feel anything at all. Everyone was quiet and stoic- no one really cried hard. Since Barbara died, I have not reached out to anyone. I thought that they would be kind enough to reach out to me. My best friend is intelligent and selfless enough to know that I am like this and so she has always been there for me when no one else was. I never had to call her for help; she just assumed I needed it. I think this is because she lost a baby a few years ago and, I really think that unless someone has lost a baby, they have no idea what it feels like and how life is ever changed from that moment on. I am grateful for her. I am not sure if I have mentioned this before but only one person in my family has bothered to call since Barbara died and one person stopped by the day after she died. I have a huge family- and yet no one has bothered to call. Strangers have been kinder. My mother tells me that they didn't know what to say. My sister- with whom things are now patched- told me that she thought I would reach out to her if I needed her. Maybe this is what everyone thinks. Losing a child isn't like having a broken leg and needing help cooking, cleaning, etc. I would have an easier time asking for help for something like a broken leg... Losing a child flings someone into a sort of confusion, pain, anger and despair that is so private, personal and inexplicable. People can't expect someone in this situation to ask for help; it is just too much to ask. To expect someone to ask for help is to expect someone to be rational at a time when being rational is not possible. Someone who has lost a child is not rational; they are all heart. What a mother who has lost a baby may not tell you is how terrible she feels. This is because we are expected to get over it and take care of things. The thing is, only people who haven't lost babies expect this of us. Those who have lost babies know that you can never get over it. So, it is highly unlikely that a mom in mourning will tell you how horrific her life has become- how she can't sleep or eat and all she can do sometimes- even months later- is cry. If she doesn't tell you that it is this bad, don't think that it isn't. Expect that it is and go from there. A mom in mourning may not ask for help- either because she is too upset or embarrassed to do so. She may also not want to bother anyone with her problems. Please reach out to a mom who has lost a child- don't wait for her to reach out to you. Call her- tell her that you are there for her and that she can tell you anything and you won't judge. Offer to get her out of the house- maybe take her out for lunch or to get her hair done or for a walk in the park. Don't just assume that she doesn't need you if she doesn't ask for your help. Don't assume that things are fine if she doesn't say otherwise. As mothers, we must support each other. As Catholics, we are commanded by Our Lord Jesus Christ to love each other. This means that we should care for each other and offer help and support to each other. This isn't something to be luke- warm about; this is a commandment! Jesus tells us what we do to the lest of His brethren, we do to Him. If we love Him as we should, then we must love others and treat others as if they were Jesus. Of course, we are also commanded to treat others as we would like to be treated ourselves. Think about what you would want if your child died- how would you like others to treat you? I have been ill and so I did not go to church yesterday. I went to the cemetery, though. I found that I could not pray the rosary but instead just had to talk to God using my own words. I also have become disgusted with the church, lately. One thing that disgusts me is the lack of Catholic community. As a Catholic, I believe that I should have had a faith community on which I could rely but didn't. No one bothered to care and, in fact, some women were just nasty. This hurt. It is one thing that every- day people let you down but a Catholic should be able to expect more from fellow Catholics. Be there for your fellow Catholics! Get to at least recognize people within your parish so that, when something looks out of place, you will notice and can offer assistance. Don't just go to Mass one day a week and then go home and wash your hands of your faith until the next Sunday (or Saturday)- be a live part of the Body of Christ. Take an interest in everyone who attends the Mass of your choice- don't just stick with your own little clique- this is not what we are commanded to do! If you see a mom who was pregnant one day and not the next- with no baby in arms- go to her! Don't avoid her or expect that someone else will comfort her. Go to her! Even if you are busy with your own life- go to her! The time you spend with her will be nothing compared to the time you have to spend on other things throughout the rest your life and it is nothing compared to time spent in Eternity after death! You may not just provide comfort but also provide someone experiencing doubt a reason to believe! You will have affirmed that we- as Catholics- stick together and that it means something to be a Catholic with other Catholics. Think about it: if anyone- just one person- had shown me the least but of kindness in my parish I would not be disgusted with the Church like I am now.