A Constant Struggle

Life is a constant struggle. Sometimes I can't believe that I have a dead child; it isn't anything I ever thought would happen- who would? The thought that a baby grew in me, was born to ma and then died is still a very foreign concept at times. It is hard to grasp that someone to whom I gave life is now gone. And people tell me that she is always with me but I can't feel it. No matter how much better I feel, the pain is always there. Sometimes it feels as if it is now so deep inside of me that it has taken root. It always bubbles beneath the surface. Then I feel angry. I feel angry with everyone. I feel angry with anyone who can't understand me and who does not know what it is like to lose a child. I can't think of anything worse. I wish I could just feel completely happy; I wish my brain and heart could would get a break. Sometimes, nothing seems worth it anymore. Jesus tells us to take up our cross and follow Him and I am trying to do this but it is hard. I miss my baby. My arms feel so empty. Whenever I do something, I think that she should be with me. I think about what she would be doing- how big she would be. She will always be there, I suppose, in that sense. I wish that no one had to go through this. I know that, along with the pain, comes the terrible loneliness and isolation. Today, I will pray for all the parents of dead babies... I ask you to do the same.