Dress Debacle, Sister Situation and Twist of Lemon

So, I have already written about how long it is taking for me to feel "normal". The irony about feeling more normal is that once I feel better, I have a another bad day- or a few... Sometimes these bad days begin with some stressful or painful situation or reminder while sometimes they just appear out of the blue. I have found that adequate rest and a healthy diet significantly make things better but if the bad time is situational, it is just going to happen no matter how much steel cut oats and how many apples, carrots, etc. I eat. This bad spell was brought on by the First Communion nonsense. First off, I want to say that this day should be about the Sacrament itself and not anything else. I am a firm believer that religious events are just that and that the event needs to be the main focus of the day- not the party, cake, etc. Second, this was supposed to be a happy, stress free event that would be a happy time after months of sadness and mourning. The fact that the fabric I ordered for the dress was on backorder (unbeknownst to me) pretty much ensured that some amount of stress would have to be dealt with. I call this the "fabric debacle"... A week and a half before the First Communion, a parcel arrived without the fashion fabric for the dress. Super! Apparently, it was on backorder and no one thought to email me about it. Did I mention that I had ordered the fabric two weeks prior and it was shipped out an entire week after I ordered it? (By the way, I ordered from Martha Pullen- spare yourself some misery and steer clear of the Martha Pullen store) So, this set the stage. Then as you well know, I was trying to be nice while also protecting my own feelings with regards to the "sister situation". I thought that I could invite her to the church and then- because there would be no party afterwards- not really have to deal with her. Respectful of her and of my own feelings... But my mom- in an attempt to be helpful- began planning a party. First it was just a few people- then a cake. Then little sandwiches and soon I was looking at a full- scale party event... At which, of course my sister and her baby (who shares the name of my dead baby) would be in attendance. So, I broke down. Yesterday I couldn't eat and I spent most of the day crying- at times sobbing hysterically because thinking about dealing with my sister brought it all back. Also, the night before, my mother slipped up and called her baby "Barbara" which seemed like an insult to an already fairly terrible injury. Some terrible memories and a horrible sadness came to the surface and I really felt worse than I had in months. Again, I questioned whether or not it would ever get better. Will I ever stop missing her? Although I feel better today, I found myself crying when I was writing about Barbara to a very dear friend of mine (my "Austrian Sister"). Tears were just streaming down my cheek and I missed her so much. My arms felt so empty. I know that only God can heal this wound. As far as the issue with my sister goes, I have had to take am uncharacteristically hard- lined approach to it. The truth is that I have the right to feel the way I do. I also have the responsibility to treat her- and everyone else- with respect and kindness. It is OK not to want to deal with her and to limit my exposure to her. That being said, it would be mean to exclude her from going to Mass and so seeing her at Mass is a cross I will have to carry. I will just have to pray that I do so with grace and strength. Again, I can ask for help with this! I have put my foot down as far as a party goes, though. My best friend's family and my family will get together after Mass in the park where our kids and husbands will go on a bike- ride. My mother can join us, if she wants, but there will be no cake or little sandwiches and no sister. My mother tried to get me to invite my sister to the bike- ride but I had to stand my ground because the best thing I can do for my child is give her happy parents on the happiest day of her life (the day when she will finally commune with Jesus). As far as the dress goes... I will be sewing all day and night until it gets done. But it will get done and, although it may not be a work or art, it will work... I suppose the point of this post is that the bad days can always return. They may never go away. One step forward and ten steps back! This is where the twist of lemon comes in... sourness. This week, I have been praying for my daughter- that she may develop a real understanding and love for the Eucharist and that she may grow into a virtuous Christian young adult and woman and that she may always choose right over wrong and that God will give her the graces needed to grow in beauty, honor and virtue. I am praying for all of the First Communicants all over the world. Please join me!