GIFT

The death of a child is a gift that keeps giving. "Gift" means poison in German... isn't that funny? Even when I am happy, I never forget. And things still seem to spiral out of control at times and the things that are out of control seem to spiral out from that one event. I am still thinking about my moral dilemma. I want the day to be good for my daughter and I don't want to be selfish or mean and purposely exclude anyone. I have come to the conclusion that people are who they are; I just have to accept this. Everyone has limitations and expecting people to behave in ways that are contrary to their own limitations is unfair and egoistic. It is unfair because a person can only do what they are capable of doing. It is egoistic because if I wasn't so wrapped up in myself and in my own feelings, how others treat me would not be so much of an issue. Logically, I can think this but emotionally I am still so confused. I always think about what my life was like before she died- life can be divided up into BB- before Barbara and AB- after Barbara. Nothing is the same. Sometimes the person I used to be is very foreign to me and I have no idea who this person is that I have become. I have never felt such anger and despair and such terrible loneliness. I am so often angry with God. I don't understand why this had to happen or, if she had to die, why did she have to suffer so much before she died and why does life still suck so much now? A part of me is dead. I know that I am a terrible person; I should just carry my crosses and rejoice! I should think less about myself and more about others... Gosh it sucks to be human and so imperfect! On a lighter note, yesterday we went to a lovely Mass with adoration following. This has been the highlight of my week so far. At the beginning of adoration, the sun came out and began shining onto the high alter and onto the monstrance. Everything took on a golden hue and it all seemed so warm. I love adoration! But, oh, how I struggle! Today I will pray for all of the babies in the NICU and for their families; please pray for these little babies and their families; they need it- I KNOW!