Prayer?

I am very nervous about going for an infertility consultation this Friday. I don't trust doctors in general but OBs in particular. Just now, I thought: I'll pray about it and everything will be fine. Then I remembered that things would be "fine" in God's terms but not in mine. God obviously has a plan for me that does not coincide what I want for myself or what I consider to be conducive to leading a fulfilling, content life. This is my problem- not God's and I realize that a major paradigm shift is in order on my part; I know that I have to accept things as they are and learn to be happy with what God wants for me. This is very hard, though, because I am only a human being, a grieving mother and a mother who fears never being able to hold a newborn (of my own) ever again. It is so hard to tell a mother whose arms are empty that God knows what is best. So, after I realized that I probably would not get the outcome I wanted from praying, I thought that it may be pointless to bother at all. This sounds so bad, I know- and it is bad. But if God knows what we want, anyhow, before we ask and if He ultimately decides is best for us, why should we bother to tell Him what he already knows and has already decided? It feels very stupid to have to gravel to God for no reason. Maybe this is the point. It is humbling to gravel- especially when one has felt turned down or let down before and when one knows that the person to whom the graveling is done already has an answer. I know that we should always humble ourselves to everyone but especially to God. Also, to gravel like this displays a real faith and hope. It shows that we haven't given up even though things haven't gone our way in the past. On the other hand, it seems selfish to bother only because there is hope that, eventually, God will do what we ask. Maybe eventually this superficial desire becomes true love and submission despite what we do or don't get. I don't know. I am angry with God. I feel like it is really cruel to never again give me the opportunity to have a baby after He took my last one. I know that the devil temps us to feel and think things like this... I have a lot of crosses to bear right now, and if they will bring me closer to Jesus, whom I long to love more than anything or anyone else, I can do it as long as He helps me. I am afraid of the future- all the potential future crosses. This shows a real lack of faith, trust and hope. But this is how it is. I am not perfect; I am a lowly and diseased human being suffering as a result of the sins of my first parents. I wake up now and think: what bad thing will happen today? I should wake up and thank God for a new day but I don't. I wish I could. At least now I am used to Barbara being gone. I now know that it was not a bad dream; that it really did happen. In the first few days after her death I actually thought that if I prayed hard enough either God would enable me to wake up from the terrible nightmare or that He would raise her from the dead like Jesus raised Lazarus. I remember when one of the NICU nurses tried to steal hope from me, I told her that my God can do anything- He can heal the sick, walk on water and raise the dead. I had such faith. I guess then I had no choice but to hope- what else can a parent do? A parent can't ever lose hope when it comes to their children. I feel very let down. When a person lets you down, it is OK to be upset. It is OK to have issues trusting someone who has let you down. While we always must forgive and forget, it is perfectly OK to be traumatized, angry or hurt. When it comes to God, though, how does one deal with feeling so let down when one has put such trust in Him? How does one deal with this? Is is simply a matter of time and healing? I see, now, what a terrible human I am and that I am a terrible servant of God. I know that I still love Him and I fear Him for sure because I know how cruel He can be and what He is capable of but I have such a hard time with the trust part. So I am just not sure what praying accomplishes. Of course, I can praise God and thank God because, even though I am feeling so bad, I still know that He is praiseworthy and that I do have much to be thankful for. I can pray for others and for the poor souls. So, prayer isn't the issue- asking for help is. Maybe this is because I am not supposed to ask for help- maybe I have to begin to understand the kind of help God gives rather than expect Him to bow down to my earthy definition of help which is superficial compared to the sort of help that procures for a person a place in eternal happiness after death. It is easy to say this and think this but it is much harder to feel it. I have made friends with St. Rita recently. There is a lovely statue of her in our church that I only recently began paying much attention to. It is life- sized with a kneeler in front of it. I have been wanting to light a candle in front if it but there are always already lots of candles and flowers there (she must be a very popular saint!). I have been kneeling in front of it, though, and praying. She is the patron saint of desperate causes and I feel as if I- in general- am a desperate cause. St. Rita wanted to become a nun but, out of obedience, she married the man her parents wanted her to marry. He was abusive, cruel and unGodly yet she prayed for him. Before he died, he confessed his sins and turned to God. St. Rita's sons, out of anger, wanted to kill the man who had mortally wounded their father and, knowing this, St. Rita prayed that they might die before being able to commit the mortal sin of murder and also that they might receive God and repent before death. Her sons accepted God before dying and they died before they could commit murder. After her husbands and sons died, she became an Augustinian nun and eventually acquired the stigmata on her forehead. She was always ill and in much pain towards the end of her life but never stopped praying and loving God. As Catholics, we can ask for the intercession of saints like St. Rita. Because saints were human- like us- we can understand them and relate to their suffering while also hoping that they can relate to us and our suffering. Maybe when it is hard to ask God for things because of trust issues, it is easier to have someone like St. Rita as a go- between (even though this is not, of course, necessary). When we find it hard to speak with God, we can always speak with the Saints. I have been asking for St. Rita's help for the past two weeks and have also started calling on St. Pio for help, especially in matters of sin, confession and penance. I always go to The Little Flower or the Blessed Mother when I have needs for my children and especially when it comes to dealing with the pain of losing my youngest. I have to say, though, that St. Rita and St. Pio have become very good "friends" of mine, lately. So, maybe they can help me when it comes to speaking with God. They can be my mediators. This is surely better than not communicating with Him at all! Also, as the saints were once human, they can. perhaps, plead my case to God in a way that I can't since I am only earthly and not both from earth and of heaven. St. Rita and St. Pio- pray for us!