Mother's Day/ Infertility

Happy Mother's Day! I am not as sad today as I thought I'd be. I thought about going to the cemetery but it isn't something I like to do with the other kids around. I can't allow myself to cry around them and holding it in is so painful! I always tear up, of course, and my husband asks me if I am OK and I can only respond in anger because it is a stupid question. I can't talk around the other kids, anyhow, and only asking me if I am OK makes it worse. I had the hick- ups really bad yesterday and I was reminded of how Barbara always had the hick- ups towards the end of my pregnancy. I have since read that this is a sign of infection. I don't know where I read it because I found it in the early days of AB and things from back then are just a blur. Anyhow, I remembered how she would kick and I would feel so full of life; I could not wait to meet her and I delighted in every hick- up and movement. These things (I believed) were proof- positive that she would soon be mine to meet, hold and care for. Sometimes it seems like I am always kicked while I am down. I am having infertility issues. I never had this problem before and I am now afraid that my postpartum D&C may have caused scar tissue to form. It seems so ironic that the birth of my last baby (who died) should contribute to my not being able to have anymore. Sometimes I want to yell "WHY?" at God. Those who know about my infertility tell me that God has a plan or that I am just old. As I have written before, Barbara's death is the gift that keeps giving! I often get sick of hearing about how God has a plan. His plans for me have been very painful and cruel and I suppose that I am sometimes sick of living according to His plan. Still, I know that I really don't have a choice. I can fight a battle I can never win or I can accept things as they are. I also get sick of hearing about women over 35 and how difficult it is for us to conceive. I bought some books on naturally solving infertility thinking that they would present things in a positive way but instead each books treats 35 like some special, magical number like once a woman is over 35, her eggs all shrivel up and die... In fact, our fertility begins to decline in our middle to late 20's so I don't know why 35 is chosen as the magic number (as it is for Downs Syndrome). My best friend, who also has experienced loss and infertility also tells me that it is just because we are old... It is funny how quickly women forget how it feels to be dealing with infertility issues after their own have been solved! These books tell women that they have to remain positive and try to de- stress their lives (or at least learn to deal with stress more efficiently) and then, at the same time, tell women over 35 that their chances of conceiving and carrying a healthy baby to full- term is significantly lessoned once they hit 35... It is also painful for me to read books written by Catholic women who have tons of kids. There are also many families who attend the traditional latin mass (TLM) who have large families. This makes me feel sad for myself. It is not my choice that I don't have such a large family and yet I feel like a failure as a Catholic women. Having a large family is important in our Faith. To cooperate with God when it comes to having children is a big deal that is really stressed. We are expected to be fruitful but our Church rarely addresses the fact that not all of us can be. This is probably one of the worst religions to which an infertile woman can belong! Moreover, if you haven't gone through the pain and frustration brought on by infertility, it is impossible to understand how it feels. People are often unintentionally insensitive about it. My priest tells me that I should be thankful that I have the ones I have. Which is true- but my sadness regarding my infertility has nothing to do with my other kids and does not lesson the feeling of gratefulness I have when it comes to them. After Barbara died, everyone told us how great it was to have the other three- again- as if having the other three meant that it was less painful to have lost Barbara. When people have no kids and they experience loss or infertility, they are much more worthy of feeling upset. It seems that having other kids, though, excludes me from those who are worthy enough to be allowed to truly feel bad. It seems like people are having babies everywhere; I often avoid going out because I know that doing so puts me at risk for seeing pregnant mother and/ or babies. My poor husband, as sad as he also is, can't understand. As much as men love their children and contribute to their making and upbringing, pregnancy is a woman's thing. Infertility strikes a woman at the foundation of her very existence and whittles away at who she is supposed to be. Infertility has caused an enormous amount of tension in the house. So, on Mother's Day, I really don't want to celebrate being a mother. I want to treat it like any other day. While I am a mother to three live children and one with God and this is really something to be happy about- I am faced with the reality that I may never be made a mother again. I truly feel kicked while I am down!